sunsdate.

why my type is jiro horikoshi 🫶

I mean he is—

Smart (like fr he is smart but decent)

Wear glasses

Loyal

Have ambition

+ Faithful

Kindly respectful

Sweet

Hardworker

Know his priorities

—my shazam list every-time I went to h&m or any branded store

—that kinda of indie—hippie songs

—a playlist to help me overcome loneliness and healing phase

I’m so excited with the upcoming book “It Starts with Us” by Collen Hoover. I really can’t wait—! I finally can read your pov Atlas and just from the cover I think you pov will be my favorite boy’s pov. You see Atlas, everytime I read how you talk to Lily. How lucky of Lily that have someone who supports her whenever she is and tried to become worthy for her because she deserves better. It gave me hope that maybe someday I can share that with someone like you. How you tried to be worthy motivates me to be better. And how Lily too, a brave woman who made a brave decision for herself and the future motivates me to keep going

I don’t understand my mom Atlas. She acts like nothing happened and it stressed me out. The minute she tried to commit something bad to herself but then she calms down again. It terrifies me if she did something that unexpectedly bad in the future. I tried to suggest her some help but she got mad. She got mad but always used me as her therapist. I can’t stand it anymore, I need to get out from here Atlas

I fought with my boyfriend. Well we fought last week, and its been a week we didn’t talk. No short text, no calls, just no contact at all. To be honest, I miss him. I miss him a lot and I did bargain myself that it didn’t have to be that way. Which actually it already did. I told to myself, sometime hard times its a part of process to grow up. And so then I took that time to grow up. I don’t know about him but I feel worried Atlas. He didn’t talk to me but atleast I need— to do something.. right?

We’re in different city right now, and I don’t know where he is right now and with whom he is right now. And all I can think that “I hope he eats dinner”. So I— silently send him some money to buy food there. I wish I can send him food, but shit I don’t know where he is. And if I tried to talk with his friend there or just casually text him again. I bet he will hates me more. So I send him money instead, to eat. And.. few days after that I notice he noticed. He blabbered about it on twitter, and I’m afraid if he suspects me he will hate me more. I just want to do something Atlas, I’m out of ideas. I don’t care if he don’t talk to me.. I just want to do something. I want to because I love him. If he hurts me, then its okay. At least once in my lifetime, I’m being true with my feelings. And it won’t leave any regrets in the future..

I don’t know if I’m doing the right thing Atlas.. I just wish I am right now

I kept going Atlas. Not because I wanted to. Honestly all parts of me wanted to stop, but I still kept going. Because I still wanted to know, what not giving up on myself feels like

This is my first time typing this and publish it on my tumblr. It’s not actually my first time writing “dear diary—“ but it’s my first time typing it here, on tumblr. Before I tell you what happened, I really respect you Atlas. I know that you’re not real and you’re just a fictional character from my favorite book. But reading how you really respect Lily, show how much Lily meant to you. Honestly I’ll be so lucky if i meet someone like you Atlas.

I have this idea of falling in love. It’s weird, but it always comes into my mind. Before I went into high school, I don’t even know how love really affect us. I mean yea— people said it feels like there are butterflies in your stomach, your face flushed every-time you see that person. But just that, it didn’t last forever for me. Once I got that person attention, it feels off. Until grade 10 in high school. It’s the same for me at first.. until I met him. He was my senior in high school. I’m not familiar with him at first, but some of my friends talked about him because he talked about me. And I don’t really mind.

But god who knows, a month after that I started dreaming about him. As if he really close to me, but I didn’t know him that well. It’s confusing but I got curious. Next day at school I started searching on him, saw him walk on the hallway and my face got really REALLY red. “Oh my god” I said to myself. You see Atlas, you must be thinking that “didn’t you say it only last for a while?”. But no.

I reached him first and he felt the same way too. After I reached him, we talked almost everyday, he came to my house countless times, he gave me a lot of attention. For the first time ever, I’m addicted with this person attention. He got my attention.

He got my fucking attention.

And just that, I want him more and more. I started to grow feelings to him and everyday it grew stronger. But again, when you love someone especially you love someone too much, there always be consequences. I don’t care about that consequences, I just stupidly-deeply in love with him. Until conflict started to rip us apart. We’re still young, 15 was not the best age to start a relationship for me. My mental was not ready for this. It was really my first time madly in love with someone and I didn’t know how to show it nor how to control it.

Atlas, I am in love with him, but there are many things I need to learn before I put myself there. I hurt him and I hurt myself too. Expressing things really hard for me and it was my first time too. Until May 2019 Atlas, I unconsciously end things with him because I didn’t know how to control my emotion. And I regretted it. Since May 2019, we going on and off just to fill our heart. Atlas, I was such a child. We end things but it always on loop ‘till now, but I still want him I always think about him. My heartache so bad that I wanted to run just to get over those feelings. I cried and cried until now.

I’ve just turned 16 back then, and for the first time I finally understand what people mean to each other

“what a pretty tulip—”