💡

i'll no longer ask

i'll consider the consequences, and weigh everything well

i'll take that second, nay minute, nay hour, nay the day

pause all activities until i am well and good

and humble

and pure

and totally, utterly safe

i don't wanna know, i don't wanna step on the stray toe

armor armor armor all through my life

i'll be exactly as i was five years ago

or i'll be nothing at all"

where the world is your god

then you forget we're all born cruel

and live in the tyranny of paranoia

until the day you can say

i will forgive you

there are anonymous girls in spaces replaced now with a void that i can't ever respond to

after a call to honesty

that i ignored

and to potential lovers

true, honest lovers

i took up rage instead of your hand

and i turned it inward

and watched it blow up from a hellish distance

you are angels, i won't forget you

I don’t know how to end this

I don’t even know where to begin

but all I see now is:

from a train

to a flower

made plain

made tower

theres a course like raindrops that will finally

finally

say I forgive you

cuz we are all born human, on fertile ground"

that I keep writing words but never following up?

that my letters are sweet but final?

I can't keep doing this

baring my soul and then softly slamming the door

how lame.

surely the people I adore deserve better

and the poor truth!

that i keep dropping off at doorsteps and running away from

its not a baby

its just a feeling

important ones

to not abandon before it's natural end

i love my friends! i swear i do!!

but to say i love them is to say, you can hurt me (i probably deserve it)

if i really cared, I'll be stronger

ill learn to withstand it, and fortify my tender, tender heart

without stubbing my stupid toe on the floor shards again..."

you’ve called me a god

we gave ourself powers over mischief and laughter

dancing at opposite ends

where you were luminous

and I was a happy mystery

the other night

you called me a god

you said I was as luminous as the moon

and as mysterious, too

and it made me warmer

than any blanket I try to hide under

when I whisper I like you

we talk every night

(the moon is our witness)

were all those poems about the moon before…me?

talking to myself in a future?

did I dream this while bathing in moonlight?

is your sunshine borrowed?

or maybe it’s given freely

as i’ve been doing often, lately?

you love me

and the thought of that

it used to keep me awake

but lately

it’s helped me fall asleep

i’m finally learning from sunlight

and taking it home with me, too.”

and all of civilization comes to a halt

and the doers are finally resting

and the shy guys are screeching into the atmosphere

and my young, young me is out to play

in the midst of chaos

on the edge of despair

on the line of grief

but I and they and she have known love

kinship and hope and freedom

a reprieve from the instincts that tell me no

to stop, to chill, to hold back

a chance to fulfill true drama in all its noise and push

and it is too much, but I don’t care

because at least there is friendship here

and if I never see them again

my words are brutal and honest

and filled with farewells

that speaks of joy with every person

that I have ever known”

tell the crickets to stop

fire the band!

free the birds!

scorn all witnesses!

am I in love?

im in disbelief

im suffering sweetly

you are an oasis after a desert trail

And the rectangular glory of your teeth

so ready to shine at a moment’s notice

framed by lips so plush

and eyelashes so lush

(i don’t mean to rhyme but…I blush

how could I not have a crush?)

that flutters and calms and looks with care

with curls so brilliant, dark with luster

and subtle hints of golden light

(Its like you knew my favorite color

Before we even knew each other)

they twirl when you throw yourself forward

they gleam when freed to stretch

they nestle when tucked in to their long sleep

the crazy, the joyous, the tame in your energy when you step

all in the world of your curls

the sheer swagger…

I’m sorry, but I‘m enamored!

I tried not to

I kept my space when around

I civilized my step and cooled my temperament

I did not know that this would come

my heart did not announce their visit

but when I saw you one day I noticed more than I should

and found myself wanting your hand to hold

that soft, warm, strong hand

so now I find myself surrendering basic functions just to sleep:

goodnight feet and arms and words and eyes; because I skip and run and hug and write and my stomach sinks like rocks in water when we see each other passing by

I wish I could take

1000 volts of electricity

straight through my fingertips

than think of this

but I would more likely take for you

i’m sorry but I am here and in deep like with you so quickly

and so I have to ask, is this true?

and maybe not, and it’ll pass as suddenly as it came

and ill be content with friendship, however biased

to know there‘s still a here and tomorrow

a home to hug

a spinning spoke

a running joke

just so you’ll know it’s me

but until that happens, I will curl and stretch my body in embrassing glee

and laugh and cry and model on sims and hope

in the depths of night

and only hope, never wish

that you’ll be there however long you are

and ill see you again and soon

because every moment youre gone

I miss you

though you’re less than a mile away

but I have a heart too heavy

and too fragile

to toss at your window”

clear and singing in daylight bore

but it is dark when it knocks on my brain

whispering a warning through the door

then growing ‘til I cannot rest

sometimes it is light

holding pain and sadness

dancing on missed catharsis

soaring through the air with madness

tugging me along its buttery flight

on other days, it is heavy

daintily diving towards the floor

as a raindrop, ever bombing

tickling the ground spore

ruthless on the eyes, crashing in the belly

its capacity grows each day

a seemingly boundless ball of hurt

lined in spikes and bouncing everywhere

knocking cards onto the dirt

mocking my pieces of mind

in it, Dread’s grip is fire

and stifles my breath

pushed by Panic, gently rocking

its hard to ignore that dizzying fare

but i’ve got time to stand the pyre

so I will wait on this pile of hay

with flames licking at the fringes

my cotton dress crackling

and my dreams ever waning

my patience growing, infant but knowing

and kind of frustrating, knowing what I am

until Hypnos, in his timely bustle

fills the bubble with sand and water

and the space is whole, but the oxygen’s scarce

yet the flames stopped licking, and the air is warmer

and i can fall asleep today”

It seemed to reverberate

Sending shockwaves into my core

My irises reacted

How I could stay asleep in the presence of such vibrance was beyond me

I fought the urge to keep my eyes closed and turn away

But such things cannot be ignored

Such color must be seen

With a heavy sigh of exhaustion I rose from bed and went to my window

I truly saw color for what must have been a first in my life

Observing what must be the warmest hues in mankind

The lemonade and strawberry pinks

The vulnerable blues

The diplomatic yellows

The array of hues

In this sunrise I saw a lifetime

A cycle that begged to remain, to repeat, to sustain what is simply a balance

A teetering edge we stand on in our brief existence

The liminal, something myths and civilizations are built on

What we stand on

Like it or not

I watched the sunrise at 4am and sunk down to the cold floor

Forcing me further awake

Gazing at the glaring iris of the sun

It winked back, rising to the sky proudly

I sat in my bedroom, obeying, in awe of its majesty

Such pride is found in the iris of the sky

Such pride is found in the iris of the sky”

[eleven?]

(one and ten dummy)

[seven?]

Now you're just thinking of numbers that rhyme!

[*sigh* nine?]

*stares*…fine”

I am asked: who am I? In some words or less

I watch the calendar and count the beats in my chest

A million, two million, many millions more

A gentle knocking, which I abhor

(The deadline enters. She knocks even more.)

The who? In me is running rapid

Flowing down the river rapids

Rapid paced and seeking shelter

(Found in the middle of a desert)

Battered by her own hammer

Damn the thing she made to gander!

Shrieking, sinking, dying, dusting, knocking sounds bonused

Sat in bed with nothing left but delayed checks now bogus”