She was easier to capture in paint than anything. It lent itself well to the vibrant glow of the robes that seemed to consume her room anytime she appeared. They hadn't spoken properly, not yet anyways, but Emmy couldn't help but find herself fascinated by this other her. The endless sense of dread and stifling heat that accompanied her, insecurities and concerns she'd never once thought of filling her mind.Β
Painting her helped. It made her feel in control, allowing her existence and the awful feelings she brought along with her to be channeled through something she enjoyed.
She'd recently begun to appear in plain view, standing in her room and staring at her belongings. She wouldn't interact with anything, Emmy wasn't even sure if she could. She liked to imagine if she tried, she'd just phase through it in the way a ghost might. That was probably the closest to whatever she was. A ghost.Β Β
She took particular interest in her works of Nemona, or her ribbons from art shows, both the only things she'd ever even made an attempt to touch, though she'd stop after Emmy told her to.
And now, she stood behind her, watching her paint, fabric of her robes shifting and pooling underneath her like water.Β
"What do you want?" Emmy asked, turning to look at her fully. No answer, merely staring, her eyes seeming to look through her entirely.Β
"If you're just going to stand there, you could at least-"
"Is she your friend?" The girl asked, looking to the doodles of Nemona on the homework Emmy was ignoring. She'd thought she'd never heard her voice before, but she did indeed sound just like Emmy herself, just like the thoughts that bounced around in her head when she appeared.Β
"Do you love her?" She continued, not allowing Emmy to get a word in. "Really, really love her?"
"It's not like that." Emmy shot back, having a thousand prepared defenses after having gone through this conversation a thousand times with others. "We're just friends."
She interrupted her again, "You don't need to lie to me. I'm just trying to give you advice." She grabbed Emmy's wrist at that, her touch itself feeling like a burn, though there was no mark when Emmy pulled away.
"She doesn't care about you."Β
Emmy didn't know what to say. She knew the girl was wrong, of course, but she hadn't expected Nemona to get dragged into the self-hatred she pushed on her. She continued.
"-Not in the way you care for her. She will abandon you at your worst, choose anyone over you. She'll turn her back on you as you lay bleeding, the moment you're too much trouble, the moment she finds someone else."
Emmy was quick to counter. "She wouldn't do that."
"Do you not think I thought the same thing? Do you not think I took every promise to heart? Do you not think I believed she cared for me? That she loved me?"Β
Her words seemed to blend together with the thoughts flooding Emmy's mind, ones she wasn't entirely sure were her own, at least, she didn't want to believe they were.
i always was so replaceable, wasn't i? i'm sure you were just itching to find someone better. someone smarter, prettier, more accomplished and loved than i could ever be.
i loved you, more than anything in the world.
i thought we'd promised each other, that night on the academy steps,
that we'd always be together,
that you wouldn't abandon me for anything.
i thought you loved me the way i loved you.
i thought you loved me the way i loved you.Β
i thought you loved me the way i loved you.Β
i thought you loved me the way i loved you.Β
i thought you loved me the way i loved you.Β
i thought you loved me the way i loved you.
