My outlet.

As we approach countless suns and pass them by. …We’ll pass them by. …and we’ll pass them by.

Coming Calling Creeping Crawling Absorbing all that’s ever been you And you. You know.. It’s here It’s now It’s been around As far back as you go. Alone and confused And lost but never unloved You’re bound to find There’s more of our kind (just (like the rest of us)  Flooding back Beyond measure Lifetimes of recollection Brought back in Born again Seeking peers in the trials of man From a place of black, white, and grey Just like the light turns to night through break of day To the space of black, white and grey Round and round you go

(Sumwun)

https://soundcloud.com/sumwun/a-somber-walk-down-a-dak-path

https://soundcloud.com/sumwun/children

https://soundcloud.com/sumwun/unexpected-situation

How are you to make no asumptions when the world will not tell you what it means?

Like snake skin, I am shedding a lot of dead friendships. I understand that the past lends weight to the present. Value. I am learning when the present becomes the past. I am experiencing when the past becomes ancient history Ancient History is not worth carrying around like current currency. Ancient History is for learning how to avoid repeat in the future.

The whole world cares nothing for you now choke suffer through just a few mere moments seem a lifetime when you’re waiting to die and rue this day as you disappear Nobody ever saw you You haven’t the slightest clue just how little you ever meant He’ll have nothing more to do with you if not to hear you die.

How do you hide from the air. I feel your pull in the push of the breeze I feel your arm around me I feel your eyes in each ray of sun to scorch my skin How do I hide from the air. I felt your hands set me free my heart shattered into three Your good grace is my gift. I crave your care disarray surfaced from your rift Alone and scared I am forced to seek new refuge until I find my way back in.

Today is my father's first day of treatment. I sit here prepared to spend five hours in an incredibly powerful place. The Dana-Farber Cancer Institute. Cancer is the bane of my families existence. It has been steadily thinning us out for the last twenty-plus years. When news of my father hit, despite my best efforts to be optimistic, history tells me I'm going to be at another funeral soon. The first time we visited, I had a strange feeling the whole time we were there. I couldn't put my finger on it. It was out of place? it wasn't negative. I just felt it. The instant we hit the ramp for the parking garage. This is no exaggeration The instant I saw my first "Red Jacket" walking across the entrance to the parking garage, I felt different. difference. something new. It confused me. It felt like this everyplace we went within the building, you could say it was in the air. I didn't really dwell on it. I kept on with what we were there for. We had an agonizing day ahead of us. As soon as we hit the lobby the gravity of this place hit me. It was profound. It is a tremendously beautiful building. The beautiful display of fall leaves hanging in the foyer. I find myself drawn to a large burl bowl every time we go. I'm probably breaking rules, but I touch it. I do. It fascinates me. The beauty wasn't fully apparent to me that first day. The beauty is beyond the walls and the art. My eyes weren't where they needed to be. My heart wasn't in the right state of mind. But that feeling was still there. We began our morning at step One of getting started, so we did a lot of traveling from point to point getting all preliminary paperwork, blood work, and exams taken care of. While we did travel from floor to floor quite a bit, never once did I feel as if we were having time wasted or like we were walking in circles. Never did we wait long. Maybe the whole process isn't linear, but it's fast, smooth, and ..pleasant? We met my fathers new doctor. Doctor Yurgelun. I like how he delivers information. He has a knack for not seeming too stiff, and yet balances out some friendly casual conversation body language. I liked how he gave us lots of data to simply know. explained things to provide understanding on the subjects we touched. I felt my father was best in the hands of this man. This man was here to help my father fight. Shortly after his introduction, we were into conversation, when I decided I wanted my father to be here. I wanted my father under the care of this man. This establishment. I wanted this for him. I felt it was best for him. Not until just now did I realize it was now time for me to watch out for him. That his watchful eye over me was long gone, and now my gaze was upon him. I feel this will bring us closer. We left that day not feeling exhausted or emotionally dehydrated. All things considered, It was a good day, if I were to say. So here we are, headed up 95 again, I'm sitting here thinking on the days events and I feel the feeling. I won't actually have it all click into place until after we are back in the garage. We are headed to the elevator, and I hear a man two cars over vomiting. There is a man with him, standing in front of the car. Telling him, don't worry. Take his time. It's alright. It's alright. there were about 7 people headed towards that elevator when this happened. nobody scoffed. nobody stared. I felt myself and everyone else understand and hope for him. That's the instant I understood. The whole building fills you with hope. As soon as you hit the parking garage and you see all these people in red jackets there to help. That's their job. To help. And those there to help do so immensely. With real smiles and positive attitudes; around each turn, in the elevator, at reception, and sitting in the waiting room. The building is a living breathing community of hope. My mother and father feel good here. That makes me feel good. There is a scarcity of that in our lives these days.

On the road headed north. Listening the the chili peppers Rolling along 95. Jamming to the soundtrack of my father's death. It feels good when I look up and see him nodding his head

I don’t even know how to describe it There’s a monster growing under my skin. my chest throbs with anger and inside Hurt and fear collide within pumping molten rage through my veins Screaming for me to let it loose “Let go of the reigns.”, he says. Take a break, set me free You’ll love the results, watch and see Let the games begin when I come unhinged I’ll take every little bit of pain and redistribute it Take everything I touch and make shit of it Break everything I love and say, “live with it” Fuck everything else, I don’t give a shit Madness, fury, vengeful, not an ounce of regret Take a breather Just black out now and there’ll be nothing to forget.

Tomorrow.

Oh JD So unstoppable Impenetrable Quick as a whip and charismatic to all. A funny little guy you know. He forgot he was Irish like, 35 years ago. Get him mad and you will see. He'll drop his G's and Pop his P's His lips curls up and he talks through his teeth Talks waving his fingers like there's something to see. Sometimes I tell my dad, Italian's aren't so quick to get so mad. He laugh's like he don't get it, but he knows he's been bagged. Funny little man.