Too Quiet, Too Caring.

To be in love is a funny thing.

What is said love needs to be, is also a funny thing.

“How to be in love” is a funny concept.

“What to do when you love someone” is a question most often googled.

“How to keep the person I love” is googled even more.

I have found myself googling all of these things. 

Wondering all the same wonders.

I’ve been in love since I was 16 and have never found the answer.

I’ve never done it right.

I’m still in love. And I’m still not doing it right.

I don't even have my person yet, but he’ll be back. 

With this rant, there’s a purpose.

A lesson I’ve learned, if you will.

No one will ever meet your expectations. And you’ll never meet theirs either.

But how you handle that is how it can work.

So sacrifice. Both of you. 

It won’t be easy, and it definitely won't make everyone happy.

But sometimes you have to make the first sacrifice to be with the one you love.

Because life is too short to not be with your person. 

Life is too short to not experience the love you’ve always wanted. Especially if you know you can have it.

I’m not saying sacrifice YOURSELF. Just make sacrifices that are manageable.

Don’t change who you are or what you believe, they love you for a reason.

He loves me for me.

And has since he was 15. 

And I love him for him.

He did something I was afraid to do. 

Now it’s my turn to take that leap.

Because our love is worth it.

And I won’t have to change who I am. Just my location.

And that's ok.

Because our love is worth it.

My sacrifice is worth it.

And when the time comes, every sacrifice we both make will be worth it.

Because love is a funny thing. 

A funny little thing indeed.

Now I have to be careful to not disturb the people in their rooms.

For some reason I've been thinking a lot about the “main character” thing. Like, who’s the main character? How do you know if you are the main character in your story? Or is your story just the side character? The supporting role? Maybe even just an extra? Shit, maybe you don’t even care. And I really don’t blame you. It is kind of a ridiculous thing to think about. I honestly think I think about it a lot because I spent the majority of the last two years with someone who was convinced they WERE the main character. No body else’s experience mattered except their own. 

Every cool thing, no matter how big or small it may be, they would say “Wow, such a main character moment.” They would always say it in a joking manner, but you could tell there was some seriousness to it. And it never helped that other people would feed into it. “Feeding the ego” I guess in a way.

So I got to thinking, what makes a main character? What decides if you are the main character, or even tell you WHO is. Or what role you play. I thought about it maybe a little too hard. With thoughts like, “Where’s MY main character moment? Why aren’t I the main character? Why the fuck do I care so much?” So, here’s the decision I came to. 

The main character never know’s that they’re the main character. And if they do,  it’s not necessarily something to brag about. I started thinking back on all of the shows and movies that I’ve seen, and I noticed that there’s always a side character who thinks that they’re the shit. That THEY are the main character, so to speak. Now don't get me wrong, this person is usually a fan favorite. It’s never to say that they’re not a cool person, they’re just not the main character. But you can assume that they THINK they are, based on just who their character is. They think they are, and they have no idea that it’s someone else. Let’s say it’s you.

Why you? Why me? Well, as fucking cheesy as it sounds, we’re all the main character. We are all the main character in our own story. Our own story is told in first person point of view. OUR point of view. And honestly, I feel like that’s a pretty obvious conclusion to a really pointless topic. And you're probably right. But shit, it’s 1:30am and I am once again left with my thoughts with no where to put them. So, here they are. 

Take it as you will.

Something needs to change.

9:40am

Hello to nobody

Wow look, it’s morning

It’s been a minute

I've been keeping myself busy.

I moved to the city with my roommate. However, my roommate is never home because she still stays in the town we left. She says it’s for work, but something in my brain tells me something else. But I’m trying not to overthink it like I usually do. 

I’m learning I actually don't hate living alone though. Remember my roommate’s never home? I practically live alone. For now maybe. Anyways. I don't hate being alone like I used to. I’m not sure if that's because I like the new place, or if I like the way I decorated better because it feels more “homey” or what, but I really like it. I find myself a little frustrated the rare occasion my roommate does decide to come home for 1 or 2 nights.

During my time of loneliness though, obviously I’m left to my thoughts more so than ever. Which, is causing a lot of confusion for me. (like I wasn’t already confused to begin with). I am also, however, am finding I am diving back into my passions. “Creative” ones, that is. I use quotes because I don't necessarily think I’m all that creative. Though, I try. But I’m like, blocked, it feels. Like if an author has writers block. Just, creativity block. Like I feel like I have the ability to create all these really cool things but something in me either isn't clicking or it’s blocked somehow, and I need to unblock it. 

I have recently befriended a Spiritual healer. So, we are trying to slowly but surely figure my shit out. I am also trying to feel more spiritually connected

DISCLAIMER: (not that anyone asked for one), I am in no way religious. I’m spiritual. I do not declare myself a witch, or wicca, or Christian, or anything of that sort. I am the textbook definition of Pagan (in simplest terms, anything Non-Christian or Main World Religion). I wont go into detail about my beliefs. Just know that religion or anything like that is not for me,

Anyways, I’m trying to feel more spiritually connected. Trying to figure out what “power” I have.

I feel crazy talking about it. Like I think I can bend fire (which I don't think). But, people think other people are crazy for the stupidest shit. So there’s no winning. 

Basically I’m just going with the flow of life. And doing what I can to get the life I’ve always wanted. It’s taking time. But all the good things do. 

Right?

-C

2:01am

Oh, to be the D.U.F.F. in your friend group. You know, the “Designated Ugly Fat Friend”. They made a movie about it and everything. Now, I never saw the movie. I really didn't care enough to, it didn't seem interesting to me. Until now. Now I wanna watch it. Because I, now, think I am realizing that I am the D.U.F.F. amongst my friends. No. No one has told this to me. But you now those unspoken things that are just kind of relevant? This is one of those things. 

I never used to think I was the D.U.F.F... That was, until I noticed everyone hyping each other up online. So many compliments on their pictures, and all the “oohs” and “aahs” when they’re all getting ready to go out.. But when it’s my turn there’s silence. All around. No compliments on my pictures, no hype when I get all dressed up. Silence. 

Then there’s the oh so common topic about guys. or girls, depending on which friends I’m talking to. See, we all suddenly became single around the same time. Me and my other friend ended up getting back together with our exs. But the others are off having fun, and one ended up pregnant with a new dude. But either way, they all ended up messing around with someone else at least a little bit. From flirting, to kissing, to sex. All of them managed to have a rebound of some sort. But me? Of course not. No one wanted to give me the time of day. Literally nobody. Even my ex was able to hook up with 3 different people before realizing “he needed me” or whatever. 

The only person, who wanted me, was my ex. 

I must be boring. Uninteresting. Little ugly. definitely not fit. (Kinda chub if I’m being totally honest). 

The only thing I know I am is a good friend. Unfortunately. And a good girlfriend. Also, unfortunate. For me. I constantly give and I give and keep giving no matter how tired of it I am because I just want to be a good person and make the people I care about happy. But the little bit of time I give myself to be a little selfish I get told to “calm down” and “be careful”. Like fuck. I deserve to get a little spoiled sometimes too. 

It’s one of those feelings where it’s like, would I even be missed if I just disappeared? I’ve planned it all out like 4+ different times. It’s all in my head. But to actually do it? Nah. Now THAT is just TOO selfish of me,

Cause fuck, What if I’m just being dramatic? Probably. Or is how I’m feeling totally normal and valid, but no one can tell me that because they aren’t seeing my point of view?

Whatever it is, I’m just getting really fucking tired of it. And the depression for it is making itself really known.

Woe-is-me, right?

2:58am

It’s late. I wanted to vent, because I’ve been feeling like quite shit recently. Things haven’t even been that bad. I am just realizing the people around me just seem to not realize how what they say and do effect me. But, selfish of me right? Because “oh, we just have to make sure this doesn’t upset her, make sure her feelings don't get hurt, careful we don’t need her to freak out again.” or whatever-the-fuck else. Ya, I have feelings too, and yes. They might be a little dramatic (though maybe they’re not?) but that doesn’t mean I’m not effected. 

So often I feel like the crazy chick who just can’t chill out. Can’t hold down friends because she can’t handle having any. And the friends she does manage to keep, she keeps because she keeps her mouth shut. She does what everyone else is doing or wants to do, She doesn’t take risks cause why would she? She doesn't even know who she is enough to even try to be risky.

Her friends talk behind her back. They talk to each other about everything but leave her out of the loop. All the comments and encouragements online to each other, but when it comes to her there’s silence. No encouragement. No hype. Just from her mother and aunt, because of course you family thinks highly of you. Right?

Not always.

She’s learning she needs to hide her life away from half of her family or more. Then she needs to hide other parts of her from different people. Maybe she has so many different things to hide from so many different people that maybe that is a huge reason why she has no idea who she is. I think she’s learning. Slowly. Very slowly. It’s scary. Emotional. scary... ya. scary.

She can only hope the people she loves can love her back just as much. That they love HER. Whoever she might be, even while she’s figuring it out. 

Shit sucks.

People suck.

But we love people whether we think so or not. Whether we like it or not.

We love people.

And we want to be loved by people.

Now, not everyone will admit to that. But there’s a little bit of truth in it. Don’t you think?

-C