Off the Top

If I make it about patience

then i am admitting i have waited

for you, to turn around and tell me

With 2021 finally here it's time for the exhale. 2020 was 365 days of challenge, testing one's strength mentally and physically and most importantly for me, 365 days of growth! I began the new year last year in the deepest hole I have ever dug myself. The best part about hitting rock bottom though was the only thing I could do was go up.

I committed to myself and for the first 6 months of the year to working on myself. I invested in my fitness, got a job on campus and began practicing self care. Despite the obstacles COVID-19 put in front of me, I put mind over matter and pushed through. 2020 taught me resilience, patience and appreciation. I am more appreciative of the life I have, I have people in my life that love me and look out for me.I have far more strength than I have ever given myself credit for and I have a world of opportunity in front of me. I have grown to be more patient with not only others but also myself.

The phrase “New Year, new me” is what some people are screaming from the rooftops as if announcing it to the world will hold them to it. This year instead I’m choosing to say: New year. Same Me. Better decisions. I am capable of recognizing what is not healthy for me or beneficial to my growth. I am able to choose which situations I subject myself to. I have the strength to control how I react to life’s inconveniences. I am a strong believer in manifesting the life you want to live. 2021 is a year I plan to prioritize myself in. It is a year for career development, personal growth, strength of mind and body. It is a year of love and light. It is a year for overcoming the obstacles that confront me.

Its final week and I feel like I’ve lived 9 different lives in the last 4 months. 

This semester was unconventional to say the least and I feel like I’ve lived an entire year during it. This was my first full semester with all online classes. I tried to enroll in hybrid classes but soon after school started, the number of COVID-19 cases skyrocketed forcing everything to remain online for the rest semester. Of course this was not a surprise but nonetheless still disappointing. I missed the feeling of walking into a classroom on the first day and choosing my unassigned-assigned seat for the semester, usually an aisle seat within the first 3 rows. I also missed walking around my beautiful campus in between classes and catching up with people I know along the way. Most importantly I missed the atmosphere that surrounds the academic buildings and libraries during a normal semester. People hustling to get work done before the weekend hits, some girl on her 3rd espresso shot trying to finish a midterm paper, the frat boy that only came to socialize, the group that can't seem to agree on a business proposal…sigh, I never knew these would be the things I missed most.

I would say the most difficult thing this semester was getting myself to focus in my room. I have never been one to do homework in bed because my bed is for sleeping and comfort, not stress. I made my work desk to be as comfy as I could always making sure my shades were open to let natural light in. That's another thing, during a typical semester I never worried about being idle all day or not getting enough sunlight but with everything being done in my room I had to make an extra effort to keep myself in high spirits. The best thing I did for myself was create a routine. I knew each day of the week what subjects I would be working on, when I had to be at work, and when I had time to schedule a break or a workout. Soon after the semester kicked off my schedule became second nature.

Having an entirely online semester was not something I thought I would enjoy but I was pleasantly surprised by how much I did end up liking it. I got to do things on my own time and in my own environment. I have always struggled with sitting in classes and focusing on the professor and not the students around me who were shaking their legs or clicking their pens. I got to create my own school bubble and work through things the way I best knew how. I tend to need some kind of background noise when I take notes because it helps me remember content based on the song I was listening to when reviewing (sounds backwards I know, but it works for me). Finals are still winding down for me but I’m supposed to be ending my semester with a 4.0. Never have I ever gotten grades like this and I am so proud of myself for working through these past 15 weeks and staying on top of my school work.

Without even taking school into account, Fall semester 2020 has been my favorite semester of college. I started this semester out with the position of Rho Gamma for the panhellenic community here at JMU. This position entailed me being assigned 13 Potential New Members (PNM’s) who were rushing this fall. I got to work with so many other women in the Greek community here and got experience with leadership, conflict management, scheduling and networking. I was able to find 11 of my 13 girls homes and 1 even ended up in my own chapter. It was comforting to know that these girls trusted me with their opinions and they opened up to me alot during the 2 weeks we worked together.

I also moved into new housing this year and my roommates were everything and more for me. They worked hard and that motivated me to do my own work. The fact that they are all seniors and are graduating in the spring gave us all the more reason to try going out and doing things on the weekends together while we still can. Bethany is the best roommate to get my mind off of things with because she always has so much to share. I’m so excited to see how she excels at her job in the future and even more excited for her to progress in the new relationship she found recently. Sara, who is my floormate has been nothing but amazing in supporting me everytime I come home and have something I need to get out. She listened to my bad mornings after a night out and was there to give me a reality check when it was needed most. Natalie, who doubles as my roommate and big, has done so much this semester to move forward in her career and I'm inspired everyday by how hardworking and passionate she is about it. She supported me in the process of transitioning to Chapter President and was a great friend to lean on during wine nights.

Because of COVID-19, I wasn't sure how I was going to meet new people this year. My favorite thing has always been getting to know new people and figuring out how they influence my life. At the start of the semester it was difficult to do anything because we were constantly being hit with possible exposure. At one point JMU was 9th in the nation for leading cases of covid so you can imagine how scary it was at the start. Nevertheless after reflection I found that I created strong relationships with 10 new people this semester while cultivating my previous ones. My favorite friend has been my neighbor Adrian. He has been a driving force in most of the new friends I have found. I started out being very reluctant to be his friend but him being a pisces and all, I literally could not help myself. Adrian has been great at letting me break out of my shell and introducing me to new music, food, people and places and if there's one good thing 2020 has given me it was his friendship. He has introduced me to a whole world I didn't know existed at JMU. The latin community is a small one here but the culture is so strong. I finally feel like I have met people who are like me and I don't feel like I have to be more than who I am for them

This semester I was also elected Chapter President for Gamma Phi Beta at JMU. This was an intense honor and I am so excited to work along the other exec members in 2021. I often find myself lost in my feelings about being president. I have not had a leadership position this large since I was a senior in highschool and already it has shown to be a much larger role. Being in charge of 200+ girls is going to be a challenge but I thankfully have a large support system begging me, one I intend to use. While president I hope to be a role model for the younger members and leave a lasting legacy with my chapter. When I was first initiated into Gphi I knew one day this chapter would bring me to great things. The women I have been surrounded with these last 3.5 years have made me stronger, smarter and more kind. Giving back to the organization and the greek community is something I am so happy I had the opportunity to do.

To say the least, I'm excited for spring semester to begin and I'm hopeful for where it will lead me. Thank you fall 2020 for all of the laughs, the cries, the love and all of the opportunities under the sun!

Cycle (noun): a series of events that are regularly repeated in the same order.

Now let me tell you a little bit about my love cycle.

Wake up, think about you, reality check, repeat.

It’s amazing to me how many days I have woken up and thrown myself into your love cycle. Every day I wake up and I check to see if you missed me in the middle of the night and every day, I remind myself that you probably haven't even given me one thought let alone a second. I repeat this cycle over and over again every time my mind decides to queue you into my thoughts.

For some time, I have been stuck in this cycle of love and hate for you. I think about loving you then I remind myself you’re not mine to love. I think about texting you and then I remember you are not waiting for my name to appear on your phone like I wait for yours. I’ve always been the safe one so I’m not sure how I let myself fall before I checked for a safety net. I wanted to be the main character in your life, and I ended up just over playing my part. I made you out to be the hero in my story and I never even told you you were being casted in this role.

You were the first person I let unlock my heart but you careless and threw away the keys and then left me open and vulnerable. You slithered your way into my thoughts with your playful smile and sly words. I let you pour yourself into my glass and I let the bittersweet taste linger on my lips. The good days are when you make me feel like you need me too. These are the days where I swear our hearts are beating in sync and you can feel it too. There are moments when we share a look and I can see our whole future in your eyes, and I think maybe you see it in mine.

I wish I could say I hate you for putting me in this cycle, but I also have to stop and thank you. You have shown me love, even if it's not the kind I wanted. You have shown me patience. You let me find my footing in your world to bring myself up. You have shown me music, food, friends and places. You make me feel strong and brave but remind me I don’t always need to be.

These are the things that have made me a better person, and these are the reasons why I love you. I didn't go looking for your love, it found me and wrapped me up in its warmth. I didn't even know this version of myself existed in this world before I met you. This version of myself wants to be loved and wants to give love. This version of me wants to dance in the rain when no one's watching and wants to live life for herself not others.

I have tried to stop this cycle, but something always keeps pulling me back. I’m not even sure you know I've been stuck in this emotional purgatory with you. I have been given all the reasons in the world to walk away from you, but I always convince myself you’re worth staying around for. I wonder if you know how much you hurt me. I have prayed for you to be the one to leave me because I know I'm not strong enough to do it myself. I have waited for the day that your name doesn’t appear on my phone but every day it comes and every time I fall back into this messy cycle.

I don't know what it's like to be in love, so it's hard for me to understand.How is it that love can be one sided? How does all the time we spent only matter to me? How have our deep conversations not put us on the same road? It’s been exhausting to walk this one by myself. I always expected that as soon as the road cleared you would join me but lately, I've realized we were never on the same journey to begin with.

I’ve always been good with words but now I am speechless. I’m writing  it all down in hope that it reaches  You and you finally can understand  That it’s not  about me and you,  it’s about me and It’s about you  And where we stand. 

The land beneath us is always shaking and breaking apart.  This was already a bad idea and I told you this from the start.  I could fall into the cracks and find someone who lacks security  but there’s just no one in the world who knows more of me. 

I wanted your touch and now I crave you so much.  You needed me  when I was no more than a shell of who I could be. I did what I could, and I built Myself up like a house  But this house Is not a home  and I’m tired of being alone. 

When I filled in the cracks and everything went to hell. The world came tumbling down  right when I was coming around I wish time would slow down  

Cause now it’s almost been a year  And there’s so many things you needed to hear  But my voice betrays me And my mind is playing games I missed my chance & my face feels like it’s in flames.  And I know you don’t know any better but I wish you could tell.

This is so unfair I wish I knew where  I left my voice and my courage  So I can swallow my pride and tell it like I should .  Even If I could just say I love you. I just don’t think I would. 

You know me so well  That’s why I know you can tell  We could be nothing or we could be one  But one isn’t what we add up to  Cause If you add me and then add you  We have to add in another few  Cause it’s not the easy  And theres more to the problem and all the feelings, I got em. 

I know life isn’t fair  And there’s no way I can compare 

Hi! Up until recently it's just been me here but it’s time you all live in it too with me. By you all I guess I mean whoever takes a second to read this blog post. I want to take a second to give you a little introduction to me, myself and I and also touch on what I hope to get out of this Tumblr page. On paper this is what I look like most: I’m a 20 year old Latina studying at James Madison University. I will be graduating in May 2022 with a B.S in Organizational Communications and a minor in Human Resource Development. I'm newly elected Chapter President for the Gamma Phi Beta chapter on campus & I was born January 19, 2000 in Haverhill, Massachusetts. Like most may be able to relate, paper me isn’t the final version of myself in this world. In fact, paper me is my least favorite of my avatars.

I grew up in Lawrence, MA but went to school 15 minutes away in Haverhill where the kids were all white and the same kids you went to school with in kindergarten had a great chance at still being in your homeroom when you graduated from Haverhill High School. My mom always told me she and my father could be as “ghetto” as they wanted but I wasn't allowed to be… I guess that's how I landed myself with this weird double life... My parents were not the conventional kind, young and still hitting the clubs but nonetheless they worked hard to sign me up for every team I wanted to be on. Though my primary sport was cheerleading, I tried soccer, lacrosse, band, theater, track, basketball (Being 5’1 made this a short-lived dream). My mom may not have been at every game and growing up this confused me, but the reality is someone had to make the money for all the athletic fees, equipment, traveling and uniforms. My amazing mother did all of that and more for me. I tribute some of my best qualities to that woman because I am a product of striving to be just like her. I always wanted to be a daddy's girl but, in our household, it was a matriarchy, and no one messed with the woman in charge and for that I idolize her.

I guess since I told you my least favorite version of myself, I should also share my favorite parts. I was born on January 19 so that makes me a Capricorn. I love checking off to-do lists and adding things that have already been done just to check them off and make me feel more accomplished. I love to be in charge. I take pride in my ability to influence and lead others and I’m thankful to have people who are willing to trust me. I’m 420 friendly & I think I'm a better person for this. My love languages are words of affirmation & quality time. I have a sense for people's energy, and I know how to control the energy that I give off to others. I have a bad habit of absorbing other people’s feelings and becoming a shell of myself to help them work through their pain. I’m good with my words but getting me to use them is sometimes another challenge. I believe in mind over matter but sometimes my mind works 15 steps ahead of me. I prefer paper calendars over online ones because I work in IT and I know that if there's one thing certain in this world it's that technology will always find a new way to fail. I’m hardworking, I love hip-hop and rap music and I love a good car ride as long as I’m in the passenger seat with my feet up on the dash.

I will stand in any line for coffee no matter how long and even if it's below freezing, I will still get a large iced coffee. I prefer the mountains over the beach. I pretend to be stronger than I am in hope someone sees right through me. I love hugs and I love trying new things. I believe in love at first sight. I believe in people's words. I believe in energy and magic and I believe the universe gives back to those that give to it.

Some of you reading may know me and some of you may not and I want to say there's not much to know about me, but I know better than to sell myself short. I don't intend on using this as another online diary for myself. That’s what my twitter is for. But I do hope that one day someone stumbles across my writing and they find the words they have been looking for this whole time. I hope I can inspire someone to keep going for what they want or turn away from something they don't need in their life anymore. I’m 20 years old but I think soon you will find that I know a little too much for my age. I’m ready to open up about the things that have happened to me and how my growth, especially in the last year, has put me in a good place to finally start this blog that until recently only existed as half thoughts and poems in my notes app.

Thank you for giving me a chance to share myself with you. I hope you find comfort in my words and warmth in my intentions. It is a scary time to be alive but at least you are.

Talk to you soon…