• Safe Space •

the green of spring rains

you don’t know this but when you’re happy, you make others smile.

| 𝒘𝒊𝒏𝒈𝒔 𝒐𝒇 𝒉𝒐𝒑𝒆 𝒂𝒏𝒅 𝒇𝒓𝒆𝒆𝒅𝒐𝒎

don’t worry, it usually turns out better the next time. the next attempt. the next day. the next week. the next chance.

𝒔𝒐𝒎𝒆𝒕𝒉𝒊𝒏𝒈 𝒊𝒔 𝒄𝒓𝒂𝒘𝒍𝒊𝒏𝒈 𝒐𝒏 𝒎𝒚 𝒔𝒌𝒊𝒏...

i’ve been immensely patient. i’ve religiously prayed. but i’ve also set timelines that i’ll obey to the fault. because, guess what, you had time, it ran out. now, i’ll move on.

echoes of my peace ||

brown’s my colour

𝒘𝒉𝒊𝒔𝒑𝒆𝒓, 𝒅𝒂𝒓𝒍𝒊𝒏𝒈.

and you see all these people you used to spend time with, you used to think the world of, you used to think were for forever...you see them be better without you, enjoy parties, hangouts, festivals still together but without you. and you wonder, why. what was wrong? why were you the one watching it through the screens, watching everyone be together, without you, always. i think it stands to be somewhere in the list of saddest feelings, somewhere among the ones that suffocate you silently. gradually.

it’s been exhausting, you know? the same cycle everytime. every. time. hoping this one’ll be different. this one’ll will stay. this one won’t drop the other shoe. i don’t expect, and i try very hard not to hope. but a small voice asks me when i don’t hope at all, if you don’t hope, don’t try, how will you know if this is the one? all those weren’t but what if this one is? could you live with yourself if you don’t take that chance?

it’s the person who got overlooked, got ignored, got left out that grows up to be self sufficient. they had to learn to be, to fulfil their friendship needs with something else, something that would fill that void that pulled towards isolation and loneliness. i think, they build a resistance, an immunity of sorts. they master detachment like nothing else. they learn to expect people to not show up for them, they expect people to cut them off without a second thought. they learn to build thick, tall walls around themselves to avoid the feeling of being alone. detachment is not a skill, it’s a coping mechanism. and the ones who really try to not be left by themselves? they become people pleasers. i don’t know which one is worse.

you know that moment when you realize you've missed so many opportunities? you realize how blind you've been to the world. it's quite crushing, isn't it? looking at this graveyard of things that could've been? like a life full of regret. and isn't that just the worst thing?

i used to expect people to stay, you know? i figured if they can have such deep conversations with me, why wouldn’t they stay, right? it’s like a tidal wave of disappointment when you realise that you were a temporary friend, a temporary solution to their loneliness. and they leave when they’ve drained you enough, because god forbid, they leave something for the next person. and once it happens too many times, you start expecting people to walk away. you don’t even hope for them to stay. just how sad is that?

It's a tough realisation when you realise that the flowers you thought were blooming were only pretending to bloom. It's a sad realisation to realize that it's easy for people to forget you, plans they made with you, some even delete your phone number of it's been long enough, while you've been hoarding it, thinking one day you'll send a text or perhaps, recieve one. While you've been waiting for a call from your friend you'd made plans the day before but there's nothing there. You know what you learn from that? You learn to be forgotten, be unrememberable. you learn to breathe through the fact that you'd been watering dead plants all this time. In time, you accept that you're easy to forget. In time, you become okay with it, not because time heals you, it doesn't. But because you memorize anything if it repeats itself again and again.

you know what? i really want to dump my fucking feelings. no, i don't want to dump people. them, i can't control, most people are temporary. no one prioritizes you expect for yourself. and if you find people who do? you’re so damn lucky. i should have reign over my feelings. because they're mine. and god, sometimes, i wish i had the ability to dump them somewhere and walk away. it'd be so easy and it'd make everything so much simpler.