TW emotional abuse, self harm, suicidal emotions
my dad constantly bullies me saying every single day “how are u gonna make it in the world if u can’t even do (blank)?!” It will literally happen when I’m just vibing or whatever. He knows I deal with depression and anxiety and am in the process of trying to get better, thus some days are harder than others. On those days I have my mum help me with some stuff. I’m also a huge germaphobe so he takes it out on me for not doing everyone’s dishes.
Well today was another day of “how are u gonna make it in the world if u can’t even do (blank)?!”
I was fed up and done with it. I told him to stop bullying me and he just sat there with no emotions while I cried and screamed after dealing with 17 years of him constantly hurting me and bullying me and him never admitting to it/him calling me the bad guy/him never feeling sorry or having emotion when I cry. I was DONE. So I went off on a tangent, telling him he can’t treat me like this anyone.
And look who decides to come down stairs! My brother who is 20 years older than me and has been homophobic to me in the past! (I also hardly even know this dude. He’s just sorta here)
I heard him telling my mum in the other room that he agrees with my dad (he’s not even his dad either. My dad actually hates my brother) and I was fuming at this point. It was 17 years of being bullied and torn down and made to seem crazy for feeling hurt all coming out at once. It was all hazy, felt like I was floating and in a dream. It didn’t even feel real. So of course I went over to my brother (cuz hey, there’s nothing to lose when I don’t even feel present! Not true) and asked if he wanted to start now.
He went on about how he agreed with my dad and how his dad said the same thing to him (mind it he hates his dad and doesn’t talk to him). So I said how he doesn’t even like his dad so now he’s applauding his parenting? He then went to say how his dad was way worse than mine is. I then stated that just because his dad was worse I’m not allowed to feel hurt by mine? And then he said I’m twisting his words and he slammed the door shut.
Mind it, this whole time I’m screaming and all they see is this crazy women. When in reality I’m just someone who has been pushed around my whole life, sick of taking it, and the people who have treated me like shit won’t listen to me.
Soooo that was my evening! I feel so out of it. I was sobbing for hours. My mum and I even started looking for a new house, despite it not even being a possibility. I was suicidal for a few hours and I’ve never felt like that before. Also not proud to say I scratched my arm up quite a lot to try to numb the pain. I just feel so lost and depressed. I know my life will get better soon. But I’m always stuck with them for family. And it sucks. I’m already nervous to leave home and now I have two people pig piling on me to say I’m not gonna make it in life. I feel like shit. I feel depressed and stuck. I feel lost and hazy. I just need a hug and someone to tell me it’s gonna be ok. I need advice on how to get through this.
