random thoughts

My bigoted trumper, married neighbor is apparently hitting on our new gay & happily taken neighbor?? Over dating apps and gay porn sites? What the hell is life sometimes?

I had the realization tonight that I don't have homework anymore. No tests to study for. Just work and general life stuff. I'm single. I'm not fostering at this time. Just me, my animals, and my bills. I can watch Netflix until midnight if I want. I can go to the bar (not right now because of covid but hypothetically) the night before work. I can go to that music festival (once everything opens up again) on my day/s off and not feel guilty because I have school in the morning! I'm free, for now. 😉

Mental health is doing okay. Started therapy. He called me out for avoiding my past and I have to tell myself my life's story from what I first to remember to now, before the next appointment, which is... daunting. There's a lot. And a lots not great. I didn't really want to spew my life's traumas to a stranger. And not all at once either. I remember things. Too many things. Always in the back of my mind. Lips locked shut. Brain screaming.

Life during covid-19 has been so weird. I was job hunting after my undergrad degree when it hit and now it’s six months since I graduated & I’m still not working. I am well aware that nearly 25% of American citizens are also in my position but damn... I haven’t felt this useless and lazy since before I left my parents house for c.college. I haven’t felt this stagnant since depression was literally eating me alive. I’m not suicidal like I was back then but this whole experience has been triggering some deep rooted fears about inadequacy on top of my existing depression.  

On a positive note, my roommate and I are learning Excel (mostly for my benefit I must admit) to hopefully help us get an edge on the job market. It’s a lot to learn, a lot to take in, but it’s also interesting. I’m pretty decent with Word already so a lot of the more basic functions in Excel remind me of processes I already implement. Which, makes sense since they’re both Microsoft applications. 

Our main .goal is to move somewhere cooler- to the PNW to be specific- and we want to leave by May 2021. This means finding jobs and in my case, a job that can help pay off my loans while trying to build a savings! It’s going to be difficult but I really can’t stand the idea of living here for another two years. Four is longer than I ever thought I’d be here. Six would be unbearable. 

Don’t get me wrong. This place isn’t horrible. My best friend and a handful of other friends are here, there’s some beautiful hiking, & some good food but... that’s about it. It’s hot nine months out of the year, it hardly rains (both my roommate and I love the rain), there are hardly any jobs, we’re two hours from a big city one way and like four in the other, & if this place doesn’t feel like home to me after four years... it’s time to let this town go.

By the time I realized just how competitive grad school was for my chosen field and how much I already had on my plate, I was told it was too late to transfer & that I also needed graduate school in order to make a living wage with my degree. But, grad school isn’t something that will likely be readily obtainable for me... It’s heartbreaking knowing I poured so much of myself into school during extremely traumatic times to try and better my life only to end up feeling like I wasted my time. My 3.0 isn’t even a bad GPA. It’s just not great either. :( I’ve finally graduated undergrad but I have no income to my name because the economy blew up while I was job hunting. Thanks Covid. Truthfully, I’ll be lucky if my salary clears 35K/yr with my undergrad degree and that’s if the world even goes “back to normal”. 

Despite never wanting kids of my own,  I’m once again parenting my three teenage brothers because they needed me. I spent my whole teenage-hood and early twenties being their parent but life had other plans for me. They’re great kids who’ve come so, so far in one year despite a lifetime of isolation and manipulation. I love them like I’ve never loved anyone else but now they’re getting ready for reunification with their “healthy” parent and I’ve been feeling like chopped liver in comparison. They’re just so darn happy and excited for any time they get with their bio parent. Poo poo to hanging out with big sis and grandma cause we’re booooring. ;___;

My friendships are all blowing up at once and I can’t tell if its me, them, time and distance, or a combo. Honestly it’s probably all of the above but knowing that doesn’t make it hurt any less. I’ve spent so much of my life utterly alone and the thought of going back to that is terrifying. Friendships are usually temporary, it’s rare to have friendships that last a lifetime. I know this too but to see years of effort slip through my fingers... ouch. My logical side and my emotional side are having a war that neither side will win.