I got rid of instagram and now I don't know what to do with myself.
Did you know that even when you take away distractions, motivation and inspiration don't automatically show up? Fucking whack, right? It feels the same as when I got sober from alcohol. The same weird boredom and emptiness that was, like, always there, is like, totally in my face and loud as hell. It's sooooo fucking loud. I filled my brain up with everyone else's life and like, now I'm trying to live my own, and I don't know what to do!
I'm thinking about joining a few classes. Like, go back to sewing, and join that shuffle class. I want to know how to shuffle so goddamn bad. Sometimes when I'm listening to music at work, my body just needs new moves to do! I don't have anymore grooves, any more peps in my steps. I need to know how to shuffle so my body can finally feel okay. I'm not uncomfortable, I can like, feel the need to do more though, if that makes sense. My body needs different sensations. I guess I'm hoping that having less screen time, specifically with Instagram, will force me to do these things I often day dream about on my way to work listening to music.
Feeling wayward and not sure what to do with myself. It makes me tired.
It seems like E can reach out to me, but when I reach out to them, its fucking crickets. Not always. But its a 50/50 chance. I don't know if I should be happy with those odds. Are those the odds you have to deal with in your 30s with friends? Its so hard to have like, regular conversations outside of Instagram. The one place that made me feel close to everyone while still being on the outside of everything. I deleted it off my phone because I was so tired of that feeling. I didn't consider like, *how* lonely I'd feel though, for real. I've always felt this way, though. It started young, anyways. Maybe it started when my mom got pregnant then lost Emily. Seems like my life was pretty awful after that, then it got awful for *everyone* with 9/11. I mean I guess its always been bad for everyone. Hate everything, to be honest. Should I be happy to be alive? The brown people and queer people I love are all in danger, and if they're a woman then its compounded. So awful. Everything is awful. I wish I had a better perspective, but when Ice agents are wearing clothes to make them look like ski yuppies and detention centers keep getting built, AI keeps showing up everywhere, like? Flu is insane, pet care is a luxury because of fucking private equity. When is it going to collapse? What is it going to take? Do I have to light myself on fire in front of the CBS building? I don't get it.
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