Wtx

-You are legally required to say “The Great State of” before every utterance of the word Texas. 

-Barbeque is a blood type.

-You are required to have a favorite football team and no, they don’t mean that stuff with the round ball.

-Fixin’ is a completely valid verb and it is spelled correctly.

-Austin is overrun by people from California and as such it is every native born son or daughter’s duty to complain about them.

-You will at some point in your time in The Great State of Texas come across a “Texas Truck” which is a brand new, white, double wide truck with oversized wheels and a lift kit that prominently displays a cross on the back window that may or may not be bedazzled. This truck will be driven by a woman with giant fried blond hair who will wear a bejeweled top with crosses on it.

-UT vs A&M is a Thing and even if you don’t get it you have to play along with it.

-There is really only one safe conversation topic in Texas. The Weather. Bring it up and everyone will heave a sigh of relief because we can all agree It Is Too Damn Hot.

-Speed limits are more like guidelines that actual laws.

-Except in Giddings. Fuck Giddings.

-Your children will either get shipped off to the Texas Renaissance Festival or Schlitterbahn at least once in their career as school children.

-There are multiple water parks called Schlitterbahn. 

-No. I did not make that name up.

-Houston and Dallas like to pretend the other does not exist. San Antonio would like to remind everyone that they exist and they’re quite good at basketball.

-Austin is 2000% done with SXSW.

-It can take you three hours to drive from one side of Houston to the other if the traffic is particularly gnarly.

-The tumbleweeds live out west in Lubbock. They are carnivorous and you should run away from them at first sight.

-No one knows if Lubbock really exists or if it’s just a place the witness protection agency made up.

-East The Great State of Texas is apparently a lot like Louisiana, which is where beignets come from and your parents and grandparents go to gamble.

It takes three hours in normal rush hour traffic

In gnarly traffic it once took me 3 hours to drive from the 610 loop and beltway 8 on the east side of town that’s like a third of the way across the city at most so I can only assume that in the gnarliest traffic, traversing the entire city from one end to the other would in fact take NINE hours.