Chin Up Beautiful

I didn’t want to post this on main but I left my journal at home before coming back for the last 2 weeks of semester and I need to get this down somewhere.

I’ve been looking into Dissociative Identity Disorder, and by that I mean I spent a whole day watching YouTube videos and reading subreddits and Tumblr posts when I should have been studying for an exam tomorrow. And it’s been really striking how much I can relate to a lot of the symptoms, though not others. Looking further in I think I may be closest to DDNOS-1b but there’s a distinct lack of information and all I can really gather is “it's like DID but your personalities aren’t super distinct and you don’t really lose track of time.”

Somewhat related is that I’m writing this at 4AM because I woke up at 2:30 and have been digging around online ever since. I went to bed around 10:30 and was hovering in a state of semiconsciousness for about 4 hours, phasing in and out without really resting, just processing intense amounts of information from the day. Thinking about how it’s not “normal” to have lots of voices in your head that argue and not ever really thinking of myself as one distinct person and experiencing frequent dissociation.

I woke up, like really woke up at 2:30 to a bright flash of light and goosebumps from my head to my toes passing over in a wave along with those painful tingles you get when your foot falls asleep. The voice in my head that I identify as “myself” was shouting something along the lines of “oh my god” just out of shock, pain, distress I’m not really sure. All of this occurred after thinking the name “Annith” I slowly developed a clearish image of a shorter woman around the age of 30, she wears a lot of dark academia aesthetic clothing she’s a librarian who wears round glasses (like the hipsters wear) and she had a piercing in her septum I think, which contrasted a lot with the proper way that she spoke, I spoke, I don’t know (she was petting my cat who started purring and said “oh you’re just an absolute darling aren’t you?”)

I was trying to get a grasp on who she was, other than the librarian fact, when somewhere in my head I heard someone saying that it was all fake and that I was faking it and it wasn’t real and that I’m just so desperate for answers that I’m making things up. There’s a lot of context that needs to go with this but the biggest issue I have with DID or DDNOS is that I have no significant or distinct trauma in my life that I can remember that would be a trigger for my brain to do the thing. The concept of me having hidden trauma is terrifying and not something I want to deal with. Idk everything is just so wild. If anyone has any advice or input I’ll take it honestly.