KCtheStrayCat

In this world of irony, how can one live to tell the tale...If everything one does, it all ends in vain.

At what point in your life did you realize that you can no longer do the things that you love?

It was already wee hours when I decided to stop scrolling on my Instagram account when suddenly a notification popped up.

Happy 28th birthday Cecee! Enjoy your day! ♥

Well, here comes another year of existence. It feels like it was just yesterday when I graduated from college and now I'm on my way to working for 8 years but still incapable of deciding what I truly want in life. Achieving excellence is just now a vague memory from my elementary and high school days because now, it seems like everything I do is either an act of survival or an act out of responsibility.

The Point of Indifference by KCtheStrayCat 11.10.2022 2:31 AM

It's already striking 2 in the morning. I just finished watching the movie entitled 'Work it' by Sabrina Carpenter. Practically, another cheer-up-motivating teenage movie of my liking but well, it wasn't enough to leave me staring up at the ceiling like 'Dumpling' did. Damn! I'm just pulling myself off the edge these days by watching these kinds of movies but still...nothing.

Me in my late 20's. Huh! People would see me as someone who pays the bills, buys groceries for the family, goes to places, and has that fully controlled "fulfilled" life. I wish I already have embraced the definition of 'fulfilled' in me, but here I am, stuck in a below-minimum-wage job with a post-it on my forehead saying 'single-forever'. Watching my batchmates on Instagram taking selfies in front of the Statue of Liberty or posting their first stethoscopes or sparkling diamond engagement rings makes me wanna ask myself, is this really it?

Every day, I am working 8 hours shifts in the lab with people who are also technically figuring life out. I make sure to greet every single one of them. I don't know who's genuine or not, but of course, we all have our own emotional baggages to deal with so I do my own thing. Getting attached to people seemed pretty dangerous nowadays. You get to bond with them like you're completely inseparable and the next thing you'll know, you're already the tea for their afternoon while they flash their twisted smiles at you.

Don't get me wrong. I'm grateful for all the accomplishments and blessings that I have received but for all these years, putting up with people's sh*ts and caring too much- to the point of neglecting my own pain, thoughts, and dreams- made me feel like I lost myself. It's like living because I have to, not because I want to or like pursuing something because they need me to, and not because I love to. Conforming myself into someone that tries to give and please everybody gets me to a place where I can't no longer recognize myself.

Maybe that's the problem- I love too much. Excessively loving people makes you want to give or do everything for them, but most of the time, you don't get appreciated or maybe your feelings are not reciprocated and at the end of the day, you just end up being disappointed. Does it hurt? You know damn well it does, and getting hurt a thousand times pushes us to a point where building walls seems to be a better idea. No one gets hurt! No one gets disappointed or felt embarrassed! You get the hang of accepting whatever they say or do to you while you, on the other hand, don't give a f*ck.

Life can be so surprising, honestly! Like in just a snap, everything can change in a complete 360. Overwhelming, as a matter of fact, because you cannot totally grasp all what is happening if you are living a complete routine before- from sleeping, eating, going to work, eating and then sleep again, an endless cycle. And then, Bam! miracle happens. 

This post is a shout out to the most powerful Force up there- about how much I am so thankful for everything He has given me this past few months. Clearly I cannot think of any reason why I deserve these (the blessings where not like comparable to others’ huge success but for me it’s heartwarming!). 

Before, I was just surviving- the complete scenario of dragging myself to wake up every morning and go to work yet inside I don’t know what the hell I’m working for. I’ve lost heart. I’ve lost interest, because basically I was just using my bachelor and licensed to pay for my rent, help my mom and supply my groceries- nothing else. They say that for you to succeed in your career, it should be your interest, your passion- unfortunately, being in the lab was not my passion at all. I was completely lost-and it shows in everything I do. I always tend to commit mistakes- wrong results, messed up procedures, a total disaster. It’s like the feeling that you cannot completely rest when you got home because you’re scared you left something that will lead you to right an incident report the next day. And you know what, every time I do something wrong, it piles up inside, making me embarrassed and depressed at the same time. Like I’ve lost the confidence and belief in myself. I tend to forget how it is to be good at something. Maybe I’m not good after all. And what’s worst, you will get to the point that you question yourself what your purpose really is. Add up also that reality where I delusion about someone who does not really cares for me and not so cohesive relationship with my father and relatives. Yup, I’m totally screwed!

Here comes 2018 where finally hope shows up. It was a total breakthrough! It first came when I took bravery and left Marikina. I tried to take responsible of myself by going to Maceda and live my own.  Then my special someone came by who became my best friend and food buddy (actually where growing both in relationship and in size! :) and then opportunity knocks where I was accepted to become a full time lecturer in FEU (ever since I love teaching other people about  lessons). It was really wonderful when your prayers are being answered one by one. For this year, I pushed through enrolling myself to Masters in Trinity. It’s kinda challenging because I have to balance the studying for the masters and the lessons that I am teaching but I believe We will make it through. Wew!

I’m not here to boast about where I am now, but I just want to point out how amazing life can be when you know how to wait and pray. Yes, life can be unfair at times but isn’t it sweeter when blessings come after the hardships and sacrifices? Isn’t it true that you will appreciate things more when you experienced how to live without them first? I know there will come at time that problems will manifest and defying of patience will be the theme of the day, but I know there will be those people who will never leave my side (especially my family) and the most important thing is I trust God will be there to help me to fulfill the task at hand. He showed me He can do impossible things before, who am I to question that now?