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It's a phrase I and many others have fetishized, especially when uttered softly by a dazed submissive. Consensual nonconsent often goes hand in hand with mind control fetish, which makes sense when you think about it. And I understand the appeal of being the bottom in a scene and being completely helpless and unable to stop it anymore. I know that feeling intimately, and I do not say that lightly.

However, as a top, as a Dom, I need that phrase to be a fantasy, not reality. Especially when playing with cnc, I rely on my ability to read my partner and I take any sign of resistance as a need to check in, to see if they need anything. Do I need to slow down? Are we approaching a boundary I should be more aware of? Do we need to adjust anything to relieve some discomfort? As a sadist, I want all pain and discomfort in my scene to be my conscious choice geared towards my goals, instead of accidental.

I need that phrase to be a fantasy because I'm a flawed human being, and my partner can stop me from making mistakes. Some of my fondest kink memories are of a partner protecting me from making a mistake, making me a better top and a better Dominant through their care and attention. I understand and appreciate that feedback is not always easy to hear, it can trigger feelings of rejection among other things, especially if that feedback comes after the fact.

Resistance from your partner is such a valuable warning sign, though. If you heed it, it can prevent you from going headlong in the wrong direction, it can prevent accidents and stop you from coercing consent or pushing boundaries. If your partner is into the same things as you are, they don't want to resist you, so it's very important to listen to them when they do.

Consensual nonconsent and resistance play are kinks I love and I pride myself in the happy feedback I get from my partners about such scenes. Finding ways to tell the difference between the resistance your partner enjoys putting up, and the resistance that means you should check in, is challenging and satisfying. And vital.

Let me just start by laying out two scenarios.

Scenario 1 Sometimes Monsieur decides he wants a blowjob. Maybe I'm not in the mood. Maybe it's just that he's called me away from some other task so he can use my mouth. Whatever the reason, sometimes my head is not into it. His cock is in my mouth, but it doesn't feel particularly sexual to me. It feels like I'm following a recipe—a series of steps that I know will result in his orgasm. He's having sex, but I'm not.

Scenario 2 Lately Monsieur has been denying my orgasm a lot. I'm wet before he ever touches me, and right on the edge the whole time we're having sex. Then he cums, and his brain chemicals make a hard switch. He goes from "take it you little whore" to "you're so pretty and I love you and I was thinking about tacos for dinner" in under 5 seconds. Meanwhile, I'm still desperate with need, trying to come down from the height of my arousal. In those moments, I'm still having sex, but he's not.

We usually think of sex as an act. Generally, it starts with somebody touching someone else's genitals and often ends with somebody's orgasm. But that's a pretty narrow view of sex. More and more, sex feels like a state of mind to me. Sometimes we aren't both having sex at the same time, like in the scenarios above. And sometimes that's okay. I think the important thing is recognizing your partner's state of mind.

If you want your partner to be mentally engaged in the sex, you can't wait until you start touching genitals. You have to show your desire in words, in little touches and suggestive glances. You have to spark the sexual imagination so it's primed and ready to go when it's time to do body stuff. Monsieur and I have also realized that I need time and space for masturbation so I can remember that I'm a sexual person. Otherwise, all of it gets buried under work and kid things and everything else. While Monsieur can use me sexually when I'm not in the mood (per our agreement), he knows if he does it too much, it will make me feel used (in the bad way). So keeping me mentally engaged in sex is key to a mutually satisfying sex life.

On the flip side, Monsieur has had to make some adjustments due to my edging and denial rules. He may come home from work not thinking about sex at all, but he knows I've been edging for him. He spends some time teasing me and telling me what a good girl I am. He makes sure I feel his appreciation and enjoyment of my denial. And when he finishes fucking me and I'm still trembling with need, he spends some time holding me. He plants soft kisses on my face and neck. He speaks softly—"shh, it's okay" and "you're such a good girl" and "I'm so proud of you". He allows my sex headspace to slowly dissipate while I come down, instead of jarring me out of it.

maybe you're hugging, holding each other close, and they begin whispering sweet nothings in your ear. eventually, though, these sweet nothings become familiar, and before you realise what's happening you've already dropped for them.

maybe then they place you on a bed or in a chair, and they caress your cheek while continuing to tell you those sweet nothings, giving small hypnotic suggestions, each rewarded by a kiss on the cheek.

"good girl" they say after each one, sending you just that but further down and down, putting you further and further into a state of bliss.

By the time you wake up, you're back in their arms, like nothing ever happened. Happy, relaxed, blissful, while they whisper more and more sweet nothings in your ear.

Hand holding. That's all it fucking took.

So catch me at Pride in a leather harness and holding a bat, because if hand holding is all it takes, we owe it to each other to stand together.

Call me a degenerate if you want. I don't care. It has always been the degenerates protecting each other when the cops raid our bars and inspect our clothing and haul us away for being cross-dressing, family-destroying, society-polluting, tranny dyke faggot freaks.

I know who I'd rather have on my side, and it's not the self-loathing pieces of shit who would rather destroy their own people than dismantle systems of oppression.

Lets talk about trust in kink generally, and in hypnokink specifically. First, about Proximal Trust, then about Trusting me, and last about Accountability.

Something I want, I need people in the hypnokink space - and in general, really - to watch out for is Proximal Trust. This is when [Person A] gains a level of perceived trust or integrity in the eyes of other people, by being associated with (in proximity to) [Person B]. A concrete example: "I've seen HypnoDude being friendly with and sharing the content of SpiralChain for ages, and I trust SpiralChain, so HypnoDude has to be legit..."

Let me let Gen. Ackbar tell you what that is -

There are a lot of people I talk to in the hypnokink community, who exist in a space where... well... it's not that I think they're untrustworthy, but at the same time I cannot attest directly to whether they are trustworthy and respectful partners. That's not because I have doubts about them as people, but because I have never interacted with them in that specific way. They've never been sexually, kinkstually or whatever interested in me, nor I them, and that is a very different level of interaction to, "hey how's the weather? You like D&D 5E? Oh cool, so what's your favorite kind of induction?"

I cannot, and you should not, assume that just because someone is able to maintain a friendship with me without setting off alarm bells in my head, that they are a considerate, ethical, and compatible partner. It is just not a good or safe assumption to make. Yes, a lot of really skeevy people will squick me out and I will avoid them right off the jump... but a lot of others won't.

Cloaking one's predatory nature or broken stair-ness in order to get in the proximity of trusted folks is a great strategy to get access to a more steady stream of potential partners, and so it is one oft employed. And, it often works. I cannot possibly vouch for everyone I interact positively with, nor everyone who shares my content, nor everyone who upvotes or likes my ideas. I can only vouch for the small circle of people I've actually had intimate interactions with or whom I've directly seen interacting in that way for a long enough time to feel comfortable drawing conclusions from said observations. I wish predators and unethical actors and broken stairs came with badges, but sadly they do not.

If you have questions about individuals, ask me about them in DM. I will tell you what I know, and admit what I do not (which is often a lot). I will be as honest and forthright as possible, to give you the ability to make an honest risk assessment for yourself. I'm always here to help, too, should things should go awry, in whatever way you deem necessary. I limit the extent to which I publicly call people out to those people who have, in my eyes, repeatedly and unapologetically done things that cross serious ethical lines, and for whom there is sufficient and publicly-available evidence.

On a related note, everything I said above about other people applies to me, too. I know I make a lot of content on ethics and safety and consent and that might recommend to suspicion that I'm "automatically" a trustworthy person. I'ma let Gen. Ackbar take that one again -

Don't assume you can trust me. I really do appreciate that I've helped people, it means a ton to me. It matters. I am really, really, really super glad to have made the amount of difference - however big or small it is - that I have. I'm grateful for all of your support and accolades and all of that.

However.

No amount of difference, no amount of kudos, no amount of good a person could do, ever, makes them automatically worthy of your trust. That goes double in an intimate, kink context. Always, always, always vett your potential intimate and kink partners as best you can. Just because someone has a bunch of good friends, that does not mean that can't then turn around and be a consent violating asshole in the proverbial (or literal) bedroom. Just because someone talks a good - or great - game, that doesn't mean that when push comes to shove they aren't sus as hell. Vett. Your. Partners. Please. Not doing so does not excuse unethical or injurious behavior on their part - that's their doing and their failing, not yours - but it will help greatly to keep you safe. In an ideal world it would not be required, but we don't live in that ideal world, and until we do we have to live in the one we do.

That brings us to Accountability. I've said a lot here about not trusting the wrong people, so I want to make something absolutely, crystal clear: if someone does something hurtful to you, that is THEIR fault, not yours. Where you put your trust and how you vett people does matter but it does not, in any way, to any extent, make the things that happen to you "your fault." Accountability for those hurtful, abusive actions is 100% on the shoulders of the people who do them. It will never be anywhere else. All of the above - vetting, proximal trust, etc - is said with a mind to practicality and self-protection, to keeping you safe in the future, and not with even a hint of suggestion of blame or responsibility for anything. I know that when you are in the grips of something like that it can be easy to get into a blame, shame or self-hate spiral, wondering how you could let something like that happen and... you didn't. Things like that don't passively occur, they are actively pursued, and done so in ways that specifically overcome or bypass or evade the protective mechanisms that we all use to keep that from being done to us. It's. Not. Your. Fault.