9. How hard you try

Ilya does love seeing old photos of Shane. Fat Baby Shane™ in all his forms, toddler Shane in his little hockey gear, Shane in elementary school with a big missing-teeth smile, Shane blowing out the candles on his 10th birthday, Shane holding up his brand new driver's license at 16. The list goes on.

One day Yuna finds an old disposable camera. The expiration date on it says 2009. She tells Shane about it; it might have some old photos from his graduation on it or something. She'd gotten a digital camera around that time so she can't remember what she used this one for. Shane is pretty indifferent about it.

Yuna sends the camera off to some company that still develops old camera film. It's about 15 years old at this point, though, so whatever is on it might not even develop correctly.

A few weeks later Shane and Ilya are over for dinner. Yuna tells them she got the photos back and they actually turned out ok. She hands over the stack of 10 photos. Shane rolls his eyes, but Ilya grabs the photos and starts flipping through them. The first two look like they are from some school event; there's Shane surrounded by similarly aged kids in an auditorium. There's one of the three of them on Thanksgiving that year and another of the three of them with Yuna's parents at the same dinner. Two of David asleep on the couch with the family dog clearly taken on different days. One of a Christmas tree in the Hollander's living room. The next two are Shane on the ice in a rink that Ilya recognizes as the one in Regina. The one from their first World Juniors Tournament.

And Ilya freezes. The last photo in the stack is a close-up of Shane. He's in a white hoodie with a black coat over it. He has on a dark green beanie and he's standing next to the door to the rink. He's smiling for the camera and his freckles are crinkled near his eyes. It's the Shane that so awkwardly and so confidently introduced himself to Ilya the first time they met. The Shane that had tried so hard to talk to Ilya then. The Shane that Ilya could admit to himself now that he'd had a bit of a crush on already. His Shane.

Heated Rivalry layered scene sketch from “I’ll Believe in Anything.”

Scene sketches from "Rose."

ilya comes home earlier than expected. or maybe shane lost track of time. shane doesn’t hear him come in, doesn’t realize he’s been caught until ilya clears his throat in the doorway behind him. ilya’s been watching for at least a few minutes at this point.

immediately shane’s on his knees on the bed apologizing, like i swear i wasn’t gonna come it’s just been so long and i knew you would say no if i asked and and and. ilya cuts him off. shushes him, far too gently for how much trouble shane knows he’s in.

ilya coos at him, looks at him with so much pity and condescension. says maybe i’ve been too mean to you, malysh. pushed you too much, maybe? shane’s like no no i love when you’re mean to me i love it im sorry. ilya tells him to shut up, stupid desperate puppies don’t get to talk, do they? he’s harsh for just a second, then goes back to that fake nice voice. playing sweet. trying to get shane to let his guard down.

it’s okay, sweetheart. i know, i know. i think that i will let you come, since you need it so bad.

and shane knows it’s too good to be true, but he’s immediately whining, nodding his head, trying to beg without words like a good dog. ilya tells him to get off the bed, dogs as poorly trained as him can’t be trusted on the furniture. shane obeys immediately, looking up at ilya from the rug at the foot of the bed, mouth hanging open and eyes glazed. waiting for instruction.

ilya walks away and shane crawls after him, anxiety and need swirling in his stomach and making him dizzy. he’s led to the living room, where they keep anya’s crate — what they call anya’s crate, even though she’s too well-behaved to ever need it, really. ilya doesn’t like locking her away, either. but it’s big, it’s got a nice thick dog bed, some pillows and plush dog toys that anya’s never really used.

from now on, puppy, you’ll sleep here. you’ll stay here when i’m away. you’re too needy to be denied all the time, yes? i thought you were at least a little bit of a person, but a person wouldn’t hump my pillow like a bitch in heat, yes? you must be a very dumb, very desperate dog. i know what you need now. i’m sorry i didn’t see it earlier, sweet boy.

shane’s whining and hesitates when ilya opens the door to let shane crawl in, but it only takes a light shove and a “go on, pup” and shane’s surrendering. he crawls inside. there’s just enough room for him to turn around and stare up at ilya through the bars of the cage, eyes wide and teary. he can’t stand the thought of not being allowed to sleep in the bed with ilya, but he can’t say that out loud.

ilya pets him lightly, gives him a sad smile. “i will miss you, puppy, but this is what’s best for you, i think.” he pulls his hand away. “now go on, i said you could come. show me.”

shane thinks he knows what ilya wants him to do, but he can’t turn down the idea of touching his cock, even if he knows ilya will make him stop. he wraps a hand around himself and ilya tuts.

“is that how slutty little puppies make themselves feel good?”

shane stops. shakes his head.

“go ahead. you didn’t have any problem doing it earlier. are you embarrassed? don’t be, is just your nature, hm?”

slowly, shane lowers himself over one of the plushies. starts to hump and grind, trying to lose himself in it. feeling ilya’s stare through the bars of the cage.

when he finally comes, ilya makes him clean up his mess with his tongue. he cringes at the texture of the wet fabric but he’s disobeyed enough for one day.

ilya doesn’t even call him good. he just says he’ll take him out to pee tomorrow morning. whenever he gets around to waking up. says he hopes this new arrangement works better for shane. he’ll miss having his puppy in bed but it’s really for the best that he learns his place. tells him to come as much as he wants, get those toys nice and dirty for him.

shane is whining and crying, trying to convince ilya to let him come back, to deny him and use him and hold him, not to leave him like this all alone, but ilya doesn’t listen. just turns out the light, goes into their bedroom (his bedroom, now? shane knows ilya’s not serious, he wouldn’t change their dynamic so drastically without talking about it, knows this is his punishment, but that feels so much less real than the reality ilya’s just laid out for him). shuts the door.

shane cries and whines and tries to get comfortable. eventually ends up humping the plushies again but he can’t bring himself to come. all he wants is for ilya to know he’s learned his lesson. wants ilya to come back and use him again. he’d take denial over this, feeling discarded and unwanted and pathetic, a needy, dumb, desperate puppy who’s too dirty to be allowed to sleep with his master.

the next morning, ilya puts him in a collar and a leash, takes him outside to pee (they have a lot of privacy, it’s not the first time they’ve played in the yard). feeds him from a bowl. puts him back in the crate for an hour or so while ilya works out.