Stormy/slime

i feel so fucking stupid, pathetic, and a lot of other things- i told my mom I wanted to move and she was upset, understandable yk- but then she said a lot of kinda mean things, like she felt like we (me and bf) were using her and that my actions were disgusting- im so hurt and so sad- I miss my mom and I cant run to her about missing her cause shes still upset with me- we are low on food and she only took my brothers for food today... like she'd rather us starve or find some other way to eat- im so sad- I feel like whenever I open my mouth I ruin everything. my little brother kept on pushing ny bf and he was uncomfortable so I made up some "he's probably exhausted from dealing with me and my mental state today" just to cover things up and my bf genuinely agreed... now I feel like i cant even go to him- if I just stopped opening my mouth, maybe i would be happier- im so fucking sad- and recent my su¡c¡dal thoughts have come back and I feel so alone- I thought my bf would be there to support me but if hes already exhausted and ive only be on and off for one day maybe I should just suffer alone- I don't know what to do anymore- i don't feel wanted by anyone- im too much for everyone- im not how people want me to be- I cant stop crying- why cant I just be happy- why cant people just like me- why am I so alone

i don't think ive ever heard anyone talk about how hard it is to get over someone who you thought loved you- like in a non romantic way- like i have to let go of my mother because she's showing manipulation tendencies- i never recognized them before my trip to Washington/oregon (in may of this year) I have made the decision to move to another state with my bf to live with some of his family who actually wants the best for me- its still very sad tho, i feel like im grieving a person, I know shes not actually dead, but like I guess I'm grieving the verson of her that I loved and thought loved me before my perspective was changed- ive honestly been really depressed about it- I finally told her last night I was thinking if moving to another state and she said two comments and ignored me and went back to her phone- which has caused me to fall deeper into depression- i just feel like im not doing anything right, I lost my job due to my health but I still lost it- my mom hasn't talked to me since last night and its been hours- i guess i just feel lost, nothing i do is enough for certain people around me but I care/cared about these people- i just don't know what to do anymore- i feel so lost and sad

sometimes I feel like my coworkers actually want me to shut up and stop talking- yesterday they kept talking about other people and when I would say what or huh, they're conversation would stop- when I would rest or break for a minute, I could head them talking, I worried about it being about me- I don't know, I know i don't fit in but I guess i wanted to try to be friends- but they think im just gonna leave the job anyways- it feels like I was set up to fail, ig? I know everything i need to, I can work but I'm slow, but it feels like theyre pushing me away/blocking me out cause of their expectations

lowkey miss 2020 online stuff cause I miss how nice everyone was- now there's so much hate everywhere.. I just want to be a youtube cause even with having a job, I have to take pills to make myself go cause I'm that scared of people- but its different when I'm recording, its just me and the void which could be people, but its nice and comforting. No one can judge me until after its over, which then its like why even bother then? I love making content and I want to make more of it- I hate working cause its so social- i don't know what will happen if I run out of meds, I probably wouldn't be able to work anymore until im exhausted cause then id have to go so I could go home and sleep- i don't know what the future holds but it seems overwhelming- I just know that it will get better, I just need to hold on and it will get better-