The Stoic Wildebeest

1. The Sanderson Sisters are Pedophilic AF - This is easily the most problematic issue with the film. Sarah has the talent to lure in children by song, not to mention is all about “PLAYING” with these kids. Mary can literally smell if there is a child in her proximity. And Winnie is all about sucking their souls. What. The. Hell.

2. Thackery Binx - First off, if I blew your mind because dude’s name is indeed Thackery and not Zachary, I apologize. It threw me for a loop, too. But yes. Binx is low-key a creep. Yes, his spirit has been dwelling in the body of a cat for 300 years, but I don’t care. His fascination with Dani is just....cringeworthy. Again, I don’t care if you’re a cat. He legit snuggles up with Dani because he has some weird issues losing his little sister and I don’t dig the vibe. It’s just weird. And then the...kiss on the cheek at the end....and claiming he’ll always be with her...why? They have only known each other for at most 12 hours. THIS IS WRONG. 

3. Max - Max is kind of the worst. I get it, it’s hard adapting to brand new surroundings and moving away from your friends. Honestly the shift from West Coast life to East Coast life must be frustrating, but damn dude. The way he treats his parents is just disgusting. I understand teen angst, but Mr. and Mrs. Dennison kind of rule. I’m sure if you had told your parents that two douchebags stole your shoes, they would have helped you get them back or maybe even bought you some new ones? Rather than just be blatantly rude to them as soon as you walk through the door. Not to mention, Max has this baller room in that house, and they had to have offered it to them. Respect your cool ass parents who party until 5 AM dressed as Dadula and Madonna. 

The guy doesn’t like Halloween. This is sign number one. Also, Max is the reason all of this shit happened. Because he has some sort of complex and wanted to get in Alison’s pants and touch those Yabos, he had to light the damn candle. If dude would have just listened to his sister and Alison, maybe they could have actually had an actual date that night, considering Alison in some way was actually interested in him or they wouldn’t be hanging out. 

I could honestly write a thesis on how Max Dennison blows. He just sucks. 

4. Cannibalism - The whole point of this movie is to essentially, eat children. Enough said. 

5. Alison’s parents - Let’s dive deep into this one. Alison lives in this big ass house and her parents throw what looks to be one of the most lame parties every year. Unless it’s theme is Annie Lennox’s “Walking on Broken Glass”, the party has to suck. But I digress.

Alison is literally out with a STRANGER who tells his little sister how much he enjoys her yabos, made a pass at her in front of the entire school, until dawn the next morning. I get that this movie takes place in the ‘90s and that cell phones were a luxury then, but they never knew her daughter was out witch hunting with a talking cat, creepy dude, his little sister and a zombie? AND DIDN’T THINK TO CALL LAW ENFORCEMENT OR GO OUT AND LOOK FOR HER.

6. Salem’s Law Enforcement - Where the hell are they? Was EVERY adult at the dance party where the Sanderson sisters decided to curse them into dancing until they die? Of course they weren’t, because some were at Alison’s parents’ lame ass party. Or being a misogynistic AF bus driver. So...where are the ding dang cops at?

How are there no police roaming the streets of Salem on Halloween night in a town whose claim to fame is witchcraft? Especially right around 5 AM when EVERY CHILD IS IN THE STREET ON THEIR WAY TO BE KILLED BY THREE WITCHES? COME ON NOW.

7. This Guy - What a Perv. The witches literally say “we desire children” and he TAKES THEM RIGHT TO THEM.