Schizo Steven's Bullshit!

It took God 7 days to make the Earth and all its inhabitants. And on the 8th day, God awoke, hungover, and looked down upon his creation. He brought his hand swiftly to his face and stated "Oh crap. I gotta stop drinking".

Cloud-to-ground lightning strike captured on way home via video. Using a frame by frame app on my iPhone, I was able to capture these 4 photos of this bolt that lasted only a tenth of a second. Sorry for the bad quality, but it was raining and I was using my iPhone. #thunderstorm #lightning #cloudtogroundlightning

The underside of the anvil of a thunderstorm cloud (cumulonimbus incus). So big, I had to take a panoramic photo. Unfortunately, this storm was choked out by another storm directly to the south of it when it cut off its inflow of humid air. #thunderstorm #thunderhead #cumulonimbusincus

If you're ever driving stick and are about to get into an accident, don't ask Jesus to take the wheel. He can't drive stick and now my car's in a fucking lake...

I have multiple personalities. Neither one of them likes me...

I live on the east coast of the US and in February, the temperature was in the 60's. Now it's April and the temperature is in the 40's. I think Mother Nature had a kid who's now just fucking with the thermostat!

“My mind is a gun. My mouth the barrel. My words the bullets. And I do not hesitate to pull the trigger.”

Study a Broad! Fun fact: my phones camera recognized her chest as a face! #funny #puns

I got a bone to pick with you. Now let's go! Grab the brush. Grab the pickaxe and let's dig this fucking fossil up.

"Once you go hick, y'all won't want no other dick" For the authentic experience, say it to your sister.

Dusty the filth man He will fucking rape your wife! He will kill your kids and kick your dog Yeah you heard me fucking right!

If the infinite universe theory is correct, there’s a universe in which people enjoy a nice hot cup of bolts in the morning instead of coffee. Think about that for a bit.

I love it when I get home after a long day at work and my bed starts talking dirty to me. It starts saying shit like “sleep with me Steven” “I want you inside of me” “it’ll feel so good”. I honestly can never resist her ;)

The uh… The Bible might be more in tune to shit then we thought… I honestly opened to this page randomly.

I'm making my own country. It's gonna be called Vodkastan. National drink: vodka National bird: the middle finger National plant: marijuana National sport: beer pong Capital city: fuckthisshitville Anthem: (sung to macho man) vodka vodkastan The great nation of vodkastan! Who's with me?! Who wants to live there?

I want to punch the Progressive box guy. He's too damn smug!