Steve Rogers

“What?” Steve blinks slowly, looking confused. “My head just hurts…” He presses a hand to his forehead, hissing softly in pain, his hand is sticky with blood. One of his hands is clenched around a scrap of paper that looks like it has writing on it.

Bucky looks the cut over carefully. “Just stay still, okay? I’ll fix it.” He grabs a first aid kit and carefully starts to wipe away the blood and clean the wound. “… what’s in your hand?”

“Fix what?” Steve looks highly confused, his eyes a bit hazy. He cries out when Bucky wipes the blood. “My hand?” Steve glances down and pauses. “I don’t remember getting that…” He holds out the paper to Bucky.

“There’s a cut on your head, love.” He cleans it up a bit more, then carefully puts a bandage over it. He takes the note and looks it over.

Bucky stares at the note for a moment, then crumples it and tosses it aside. “… I don’t know. They… someone doesn’t like super soldiers.”

Steve winces and sways vionlently, blood already soaking through the bandage. “I can’t remember…” Steve holds his head, wincing. “I… fuck where am I?”

Bucky frowns. “You’re home, love.” He wraps an arm around Steve, trying to keep him steady.

“I can’t-” Steve cries out and touches his forehead. “Bucky. I can’t remember what happened…”

Bucks gently grabs his wrist to stop him. “That’s okay. What’s the last thing you remember?”

“Coming back from my run…” Steve shifts and bites his lip. “Bucky- Buck my side hurts-”

Bucky frowns and looks at his side. “Where?” He hesitantly puts a hand on Steve’s side, feeling for a wound.

Steve cries out sharply, he yanks his shirt up, there’s a nasty bruise, dark purple and black.

Bucky winces and pulls back. “Fuck, I’m sorry!” He looks the bruise over. “Christ—“

Steve stares down at his body with horror. “What happened?” He whispers shakily? Paling drastically.

Bucky shakes his head. “I don’t know—“ fuck, he feels completely helpless.

Steve sways. “Buck I think-” He gasps and passes out cold, crashing into Bucky’s chest.

Bucky wraps his arms around him immediately. “Hey, woah—“ he carefully picks Steve up and carries him to their bed. “Fuck—“

Bucky rushes over to Steve to sit him up so he doesn’t choke. “It’s okay… it’s okay.”

Steve gags, white liquid spilling out of his mouth. “Buck-” He gasps, hand flinging out for him.

Bucky wipes the white liquid away, his hands shaking as he does. “Love, I’m in here—“

“What’s happening-” Steve coughs violently, tucking up into himself.

Steve frowns and walks over, wrapping one hand around Tony’s shoulders. “I thought I’d better be here when you were done…” He looks him over worriedly. “Baby… what’s going on?”

"How'd you know i would be here?" Tony asks, slumping into Steve's hold. He hadn't told anyone where he was going. He's shaking lightly against him. "Everything. Fucking everything is going on."

Steve instantly wraps his arms around Tony, cupping the back of his head. “I suspected things were about to get bad… and this morning you felt off… I checked a few places.” He presses a kiss to the top of his head. “I’m so sorry love…”

Tony presses into Steve, clinging to him tight enough to border on being painful. "I'm glad you found me," he admits, mouth smushed against Steve's chest. "Please, can we go home?" His voice is small, quiet.

“I’ll always find you.” Steve whispers, letting Tony cling to him as tight as he needs. He nods and gently lifts Tony fully into his arms, carrying him. “We can go home love.”

"Thank you." Tony slumps into Steve's arms. "Did you bring your car...?" He asks, cause he drove here, but he doesn't want to go to his car yet--

“Yeah baby, I did…” Steve looks concerned as he brushes Tony’s hair back. “I’m here okay? I’m here for you.” He carries him into his car.

"Thank god." He can't help but say it. He leans into the touch, settling in the passenger seat of the car. He's so glad that Steve is there with him..

“What’s wrong with your car?” Steve asks carefully, he reaches out and takes his hand squeezing it gently. “You can talk to me baby.”

Tony hesitates, embarrassment and shame covering his face for a long moment. "It-- uh. There's two bottles of whiskey in the passanger seat?"

“Oh honey…” Steve pulls Tony into a hug, kissing the side of his head. “You don’t have to feel ashamed… set backs happen love, you didn’t drink it, that’s a big step love.”

Tony presses heavily into the hug, still trembling. "I didn't drink it," he echoes shakily. He'd left the liquor store and driven straight to the meeting instead. But still.

“I’m proud of you for that.” Steve whispers, rubbing his back firmly. “It’s okay baby, things have been so hard for you right now, I know… but you’re gonna be okay, I’m going to help you okay?”

"I shouldn't have been there at all!" Tony protests weakly, he hates this, hates that he's so weak. He nods, though its shakey. "Yeah. Please, Steve... I need you."

Steve holds him close, his heart breaking for his husband. “I know… but it happened love, it happens with recovery. I’m so sorry.” He cradles him and holds him. “I’m here. I’m here…”

Tony buries his face in Steve's neck to stop himself from sobbing. He can't do this all again. "I'm sorry," he whispers into Steves chest. "Im so sorry!"

“Shh… none of that love, none of that. You’re okay.” Steve holds him tightly, rubbing his back, his heart aching for him. “Mistakes happen baby. It’s gonna be okay…”

"None of this is okay," Tony says, a small sob escaping from his mouth. He hates this. "I shouldn't-- why am I like this!?"

“I know… but it’ll be okay.” Steve wants to cry, he just holds Tony tighter. “Baby it’s not your fault, you’re an alcoholic… you’re not wrong baby, you’re not a mess up…”

Tony bites back more tears. He doesn't want tk cry. "I am bitterly away of the fact I'm an alcoholic... I'm not meant to want this anymore..."

“Honey, what do you mean? Not meant to want this? Baby, the want just doesn’t go away.” Steve curls Tony closer, wiping his tears.

"I'm meant to be better!" Tony protests. "I haven't-- I've been sober. I thought I was past this."

“Baby, you know that’s not how being sober works sadly, you’re always going to have that urge, and some days you slip up, but Tony… that doesn’t mean you’re not doing good.” Steve cups his face. “You are doing so good love, I’m so proud of you, look at where you are, past you would’ve drank those bottles, but you didn’t. That’s such good progress.”

"I don't want to feel like this anymore," Tony whispers, looking down so he doesn't have to meet Steve's gaze. "I'm so tired of this, Stevie..."

“Grá…” Steve cups his cheek, looking into his eyes, his heart shattering for his husband. “I’m so sorry you have to carry this.” He whispers before pulling him to his chest. “Im so sorry.”

Tony nods weakly, pressing himself heavily against Steve's chest. He closes his eyes like that'll make everything go away. "I hate this so much."

“I know.” Steve whispers quietly, wishing he could do more to help him. He holds Tony, whispering soft comforts.

"Why do you put up with this?" Tony asks, looking up at Steve after a little longer of him crying.

Steve shakes his head. “I don’t put up with you Tony…” He gently brushes his tears away gently. “I want to be with you Tony, I love all of you… even the flaws. I don’t mind them at all.”

"Its a pretty big flaw." Tony hates this about himself. Hates what the addiction does to him and the people he cared about.

“I know… but that’s alright, I still love you, I still want you, you could have the biggest flaw in the world and I would still choose you.” Steve brushes Tony’s hair back gently. “Tons, I love you. I’m so sorry you’re hurting so badly right now…”

"I love you too," Tony whispers, clinging to Steve gratefully. He's so lucky to have a husband like this. "Thank you," he whispers, looking up at him with wet eyes.

“Always.” Steve whispers oh so gently, he tucks Tony close for a moment before sitting back in his seat. “Can I drive us home love?”

Tony nods. "Yes, please. I'd like to be home." He thinks cuddles in bed with Steve and the dog was probably in order.

“We’ll go home then.” Steve starts driving, reaching out to hold one of Tony’s hands.

"Thank you." He takes Steve's hand, squeezing it tightly. He can get through this. He has before. "Um. Maybe you hide your super soldier booze.."

Steve squeezes his hand firmly as he drives. He frowns and nods, his heart breaking for him. “Of course baby, I’ll do that.”

"Thank you," Tony says. "Sorry," he adds, even thoug hhe knows he doesn't need to.

“You don’t need to be sorry baby…” Steve whispers, as he drives.

Tony nods but doesn't agree. He sits in heavy silence as they drive.

Steve sits quietly as he drives, heart aching for his husband. He pulls up to their home.

Tony is quiet, not saying much. He doesn't know what to say, frankly. He just feels like a screw up-

“Baby…” Steve gets out of the car, gently taking his hands. “Come inside love, it’s gonna be okay….”

"Is it?" Tony whispers hopelessly, trailing after Steve without much energy or effort.

“It is.” Steve says firmly and gently. He frowns and turns around, wrapping his arm around him, heart aching.

"Okay." Steve is usually right anyway... Tony stays closeto him as they move inside, cuddling up.

Steve’s so worried about his husband, he keeps him close as they make it inside. Madra walks over wagging her tail, she’s tilts her head and whines, nudging Tony’s hand.

Tony looks down at her dully. "Hey, girl," he greets quietly. reaching out to pet her a little bit, soft.

Madra nudges his hand again, before leaning heavily against his leg. “Bed or couch grá?’ Steve holds him gently.

Tony considers. "Bed, please," he says, continuing to reach down so he can cautiously pet Madra.

Madra stays glued to Tony’s side. Steve nods and gently leads him to their bed. “I’ve got you sweetheart.” He sits on the bed and pulls Tony into his arms.

Tony curls tightly against Steves chest, trying desperately to stay close to him. Madra is helping too. He shuts his eyes tight like they'll block out the cravings.

“You’re not alone.” Steve whispers as he rubs Tony’s back, Madra shuffles closer, leaning into Tony.

Tony makes a soft, almost whining sound as he clings to Steve. He keeps his eyes scrunched shut. It's bad, though. He's holding Steve so he doesn't get up and search for something else.

Steve wants to cry, he rubs his back firmly. “I’m here, I’m here love…” He rocks him gently in his arms.

Tony clings tighter, burying his face in the crook of Steve's neck. "It hurts," he complains quietly, small.

“I’m so sorry baby…” Steve whispers, gently cupping the back of his head, wishing he could do something more to help- “do you want a distraction?”

"Yes, please," Tony says, practically begging him for one. He opens his eyes, theyre wet and tired.

Steve could cry at the sight of Tony like this, he gently brushes his hair back. “What do you want me to do sweetheart?”

"I don't know," Tony whispers. "Something. I just want to not want this. baby. Please..."

“Okay love.” Steve says gently, he holds out his hands. “Hands baby.” He wiggles his fingers.

Tony cautiously holds his hands out to Steve, wondering where he's going.

Steve takes his hands and starts to massage them, humming softly. He squeezes his pointed finger. “Tell me what you feel.”

Tony lets his eyes close, focusing on sensation only. "You're squeezing them. They ache a little."

Steve hums in approval. “Good, what about this?” He runs one fingers lightly down Tony’s middle finger and to his palm.

Tony breathes our slowly. "Your finger moving down the middle of my hand," he murmurs carefully.

“How does it feel?” Steve brushes his finger up and down his palm, he breathes deeply, loud for Tony to copy.

"A little tickly," Tony says. He copies Steve's breathing without even really realising.

“Good…” Steve hums, smiling a bit as he copies his breathing. “What about this?” He shifts and traces along Tony’s cheekbone.

"You're touching my face, the way I like it," Tony says with a pleased note to his voice. His breathing evens.

“Yeah? Good.” Steve smiles gently, happy at the pleased note to his voice. Steve cards his fingers firmly through his hair.

"Oh, now you're stroking my hair." Tony makes a contented nose, like a cat. "This... yeah. Thank you, angel. I miss calling you that."

Steve smiles at the cat like sound, he loves being able to help Tony relax. He softens at the nickname. “I missed you calling me angel too… tell me your favorite nicknames love?”

Tony hums in consideration. "For you? Angel.. baby. Amore, sweetheart. Winghead. I like all of them.. love it when you call me baby, or gra, or darling..."

Steve smiles softly as Tony speaks, keeping his touch gentle, running his hands lightly all over his body gently. “I love all those nicknames, and I love calling you all of those baby.”

Tony gives him a slow smile, leaning into the touch all over his body. It's soothing. "Yeah? Got favourites?'

“Favorites to use for you? Hm… I like darling, Grá, I like sweetheart…” Steve brushes his hand over Tony’s chest.

"I like those too... but what about for me to use?" Tony asks, lea ing into him heavily.

Steve massages Tony’s shoulder, pulling him closer. “I like when you call me Amore, angel… baby.”

"Gotta call you those more," Tony decides. He kisses Steves cheek. "You're the best, Steve," he says.

“I would like that.” Steve smiles softly and kisses his jaw. He blushes lightly. “I try for you… feeling any better love?”

Tony shrugs a little. "Feel kinda weird honestly," he admits. "Kinda-- drowsy and a bit hyper at once?"

“Hm…” Steve frowns and gently tilts Tony’s chin up, he kisses his cheek lightly. “Have you ever felt that before?”

Tony shrugs. "Its a bit like being high, or in shock," he says. "But... not really?I dont know. Head feels jumbled."

Steve hums, brow furrowed as he thinks. He shifts and pulls Tony into his lap. Wrapping his arms around him further. “That’s strange… I’m sorry grá.”

Tony nods, giving him him weak smile and tucking his face against Steves neck. "Its okay... i love you.."

Steve cups the back of his head gently, pressing a kiss to his hair. “I love you too… get some rest yeah?”

"I'll try." Tony smiles up at him, and then lets his eyes drift shut, hoping that he'll manage to fall asleep quickly.

Steve cuddles him to his chest, rubbing jos back gently. His heart is breaking for his husband.

Tony falls asleep, but it's... not an easy task. He shakes in his dreams, hand curled around an invisible bottle.

Steve watches with concern. He kisses the top of Tony’s head shakily. He doesn’t know what to do

Tony curls into him eventually, and with his hands tucked against Steve, he sleeps better.

Steve keeps Tony tucked close, rubbing his back incredibly gentle.

"Steve, cmon," Tony mumbles in his sleep. "Just give ir to me... I can handle one..'

Steve frowns and rubs his back. “Hey… wake up baby. Wake up.”

Tony rolls over, but doesn't wake. "It's fine.." He insists in his sleep. "Nicer this way.."

“Baby…” Steve frowns and nudges his shoulder, not entirely sure if he should wake him up or not.

Tony rolls back and curls into Steve's chest. "Thank you," he murmurs, sighing contentedly, a slur to the words.

Steve frowns and rubs his back. He takes a moment before he shakes his shoulder hard. “Tony, Tons wake up sweetheart.”

Tony grumbles, blinking awake. "Wha...? What is it?" He asks, looking up at Steve with groggy eyes.

“Hey baby… you were dreaming.” Steve kisses his forehead lightly.

"Oh? Was i talking?" He hums softly at the kiss.

“A little bit yeah…” Steve brushes his hair back gentle, concern in his eyes.

Tony frowns when he sees the concern in Steve's eyes. "What did I say?"

“Just talking about drinking a little.” Steve frowns and rubs his back gently. “It’s okay, darling.”

Tony winces. "Im sorry, Steve... i wish you didnt have to hear that," he admits.

“You don’t need to be sorry, I know… I know love.” Steve cups his jaw lightly.

Tony leans into his hand. "I know, but I dont want you to, I guess."

Steve brushes his thumb over Tony’s cheek. “I can’t imagine how awful this feels, and I’m so sorry baby…”

"It's definitely not fun," Tony agrees dryly, but his eyes flash with pain behind the attempt at humour.

Steve hates the pain in his eyes, breaks his heart. He pulls Tony to his chest. “I’m here okay? Always.”

"I know you are." Tony leans up to kiss Steve firmly. Maybe a little desperately.

Steve kisses him back, gentle and soft before he pulls away. “Hey… just breathe love…”

"Dont want to. Just want to kiss you..." tony trails off.

Tons I want to kiss you to, but I don’t think that’s a good idea right now, grá.” Steve kisses his forehead.

Tony pouts. "Why not?It's just a couple of kisses..." he protests, leaning in a again.

Steve gently presses a finger to Tony’s lips. “Baby, I don’t know… are you running away from your thoughts?”

"Yes, obviously, but why does it matter?" tony crosses his arms over his chest.

“I’m okay with kissing… but not if you’re pushing down your feelings with the kissing.” Steve brushes Tony’s hair back.

Tony scowls. "I'm not gonna become a you-aholic, Steve."

Steve plays with his hair gently. “That’s not what I meant baby. I just don’t want you hiding in different things.”

"I jsut want to get my mind to be quiet for once," Tony pleads.

Steve looks a little reluctant, he doesn’t know if he should, but he doesn’t want Tony hurting. “Okay, okay I’m sorry. I’m sorry, I’ll help you forget for a while.” He gently cups Tony’s face.

"Thank you," Tony breathes, leaning in to kiss Steve deeply, like it'll push every other thought from his mind.

Steve kisses him gently, he’s worried, he doesn’t know if this is the best idea, but one times okay. Right?

It wasn't a great strategy, but its better than how Tony used to do it, with a stranger in his bed and no love.

Steve gently shifts Tony back into the couch, kissing him gently, his hands resting on Tony’s chest.

"Thank you," Tony breathes against him, letting himself get lost in the kiss without pushing for more.

“Always.” Steve whispers, he’s still unsure about this, but doesn’t want Tony hurting. He kisses him lovingly, brushing his fingers through Tony’s hair.

Tony pulls away eventually, dropping his forehead down to rest on Steve's shoulder. He bites back sobs.

Steve wraps his arms around Tony gently, rubbing his back and kissing the top of his head. “Let yourself cry Tony… let yourself cry.”

"I dont want to," Tony says, a touch petulantly. "I don't want to feel like this anymore!" He all but sobs.

“Oh love…” Steve rocks Tony in his arms, he could sob seeing him like this. “I know… I know I’m so sorry… let it wash over you, let yourself cry, let yourself mourn that you have to deal with this, it will get better… it will.”

Tony breaks down into sobs in Steves arms. Everything just hurts so much, he wants, so much and he fucking hates it.

Steve holds Tony tightly. Whispering soft comforts as he rocks him, kissing the top of his head, trying not to cry himself, his heart breaks seeing his husband like this.

Tony stays in Steves arms. He doesn't deserve all this softness. "I wish you'd be angry with me,"he whispers.

Steve’s heart shatters at that, he reaches up and cups the back of his head. “What would I have to be angry about?”

"Just.. anything!I know I've been a total asshole this past week,"he says, bordering on desperate.

Steve shakes his head, he cups Tony’s face firmly. “Hey, I didn’t fall in love with you because you’re always perfect and everything about your life is wonderful. I fell in love with you, that means the hard things to baby, that mans I want to support you through it, help. It doesn’t make me angry, or think you’re an asshole.”

Tony struggles to meet Steve's eyes, even when he cups his jaw. "But if--maybe if you hated this about me I'd stop wanting it."

Steve hates how much Tony is hurting. “Darling… I don’t think that’s how that works, and I will never hate anything about you, I’m just sad for you, that you have to go through this baby.”

"It might work," Tony mutters even though he knows it wouldn't. He nods jerkily. "I hate it too."

“It wouldn’t darling.” Steve runs his thumb over his cheek. “I’m sorry baby… I wish I could take it all away, but I’m always here.”

"I know you are." Tony turns to kiss his thumb. "Ugh. I cant even fuck you into feeling better. This sucks."

Steve blinks a few times, before he kisses Tony’s forehead. “This does suck… but I promise it won’t suck forever. One day at a time yeah? Together.”

Tony just looks at him sadly. "It feels like its been a lot of one days," he says quietly, his heart aching.

Steve could breakdown at seeing his husband look so sad. Steve pulls Tony to his chest, resting his hand firmly on the reactor. “Talk to me Tons, tell me what’s been going on love… I know a little, how overwhelming things have been… we can take a break.”

"Its just everything," Tony says miserably. The pressure on the reactor is grounding in the way it only is from Steve. "Work is falling apart. I'm never home and when I am home, I'm thinking about work or you're gone."

Steve listens quietly, tapping a small pattern into the reactor, his heart is breaking, he just wants to fix this, wishes he could. Steve shifts Tony closer. “I’m sorry Tons… I think you need a break…” He cups his cheek gently with his free hand. “Or we need to… to cut back on how much we’re doing.”

Tony leans heavily against Steve, closing his eyes so he can focus solely on the words coming out of his mouth and the feeling of his hand tapping against the reactor. "I don't have time to take a break. And your work is important..."

Steve keeps the steady pattern, watching Tony worriedly. “Then we cut back. I won’t lose you because of work, Tony.” Steve shifts and tugs Tony to his chest, kissing his forehead shakily. “You can cut back… we can take a weekend, it’ll be okay…”

Tony looks exhausted, even with his eyes closed. "I just have to fix this first," he says shakily. "But you'd-- you'd take some time off for me?"

“Let me help you fix it.” Steve whispers, rubbing his back. He hums and nods. “I will always take time off for you, always.”

Tony melts a little ar that, rubbing his eyes furiously to try and stop himself from crying. "Thank you... i love you..."

Steve gently wipes any tears that escape away gently. “I love you so much baby, I’m here… always.”

"I know you are." Tony looks at him shakily. He doesn't want to keep crying. "We're going to he okay..."

“We are going to be okay.” Steve says softly, kissing his cheek gently. He cuddles him close.

"I love you." He shudders against Steve, holding on for dear life.

“I love you too.” Steve lets Tony cling to him, he holds him firmly.

The next few days are rough. If Steve didn't know Tony so well, he'd think he was drinking and hiding it. But really he was just... sad. Sad and overwhelmed. It takes a little while to sort everything out with SI to the point where he can back away.

It breaks Steve’s heart seeing Tony like this, he support his husband in everything. And he definitely hasn’t yelled at a lot of people. He’s incredibly worried. Steve’s relieved when things finally make it so he can back away. Steve waits for Tony in their car, tapping his thumbs against the steering wheel as he waits for him.

Tony comes down to join him in the car, practically vibrating with nervous energy. He feels awful about leaving the company at this point, just... feels awful overall.

“Hey honey…” Steve reaches out and smooths Tony’s hair back. “You ready to go home, grá?” He feels awful for Tony.

Tony leans into Steves hand, needy. "Please." His voice is hoarse. He needs to get the fuck out of here.

Steve’s heart breaks seeing him like this. He quickly starts to drive. “You can take a break now Tony, you did so good baby. So good.”

Tony slumps, needing Steve. "Im sorry," he whispers, not sure what he's even apologising for. His mind hurts.

Steve shifts and holds him, parking the car. “You don’t have to apologize.” He whispers, cradling him close.

Tony smiles, vut its weak. He tucks himself into Steve, small, clinging to him. He isnt crying but hes not far from it.

Steve holds him close, heart breaking as he rocks Tony in his arms. He starts to sing softly, an old Irish song his Ma used to sing to him, brushing his fingers through Tony’s hair.

Tony relaxed when Steve starts singing. He always finds it soothing when he does so. "Can we go home?" He whispers. "Pkease?"

“Of course baby.” Steve rocks him before sitting back and starting to drive them home.

Tony nods and sits in silence until they get home. "I need to turn my brain off."

Steve turns to face Tony, eyes soft. “How do you want to do it?” He asks gently.

Tony's eyes are tight. "Thr way i want to do it isnt really a viable option."

Steve rubs his shoulder gently. “Ah… well we can figure something else out sweetheart…”

"Yeah." He foesnt sound convinced but he doesnt want to reject Steve.

Steve scoops Tony up and carries him inside. “We’ll think of something…”

Tony stays tucked close to his chest the entire time. "Thank youf or making me do this."

Steve rubs his back gently, settling them down on the couch. “Of course darling, I’m always here to help you…”

"I love you." Tony crawls into Steve's lap, resting his head on his chest and curling up close to him.

“I love you too.” Steve immediately pulls Tony fully into his lap, cuddling him close and rubbing his back, humming softly.

"Steve?" Tony asks quietly. "I-." He cuts himself off and shakes his head, staying silent instead of saying the question aloud.

Steve gently brushes Tony’s hair back. “What is it baby? You can ask…” He kisses his forehead gently.

Steve smiles and walks to Tony, wrapping his arms around with him a small laugh, shaking his head. “Thanks love…” His eyes flick around the streets briefly before back to Tony. “You’re going to tease me relentlessly aren’t you?”

He kisses his cheek. "Yes. Yes I am, cap. But first I'm going to do my husbandly duties." His face sobers for a second. "Are you going to be okay today? With the fireworks and everything?'

Steve laughs softly before his own face sobers. “I’ll be alright… I can handle on night. As soon as they start I should be able to go.” He winces and shakes his head.

"Okay. Whatever you need." He leans up to kiss his cheek lightly. "Hey, I got you these, they're noise cancelling, if you need em, okay?" He presses some small, star spangled ear buds into his hand.

Steve smiles as he takes them, feeling incredibly lucky to have Tony. He laughs when he sees the star spangled. “Really Tons? Made them to match me?” He smiles and tugs Tony into a hug. “Going to enjoy my speeches?”

"Well, it seemed to fit the theme," Tony says teasingly. "And I'd hate to disturb your colour scheme." He smiles up at him, then nods. "Course i will, baby."

“Oh yeah, gotta keep the red white and blue.” He glances down at his suit and chuckles. He smiles and kisses his cheek. Waving a hand at a few people yelling happy birthday at him.

Tony slips a hand into Steve's. He knows this can be overwhelming for him, but also knows how important he finds it. "When do you speak, love?"

“At three, then at six, then right before fireworks.” Steve lets out a laugh and shoves his hair back. “Busy day huh?” He leans down and kisses the top of his head, happy Fonys with him.

"My favourite of the year," Tony deadpans. "Are you giving the same speech each time? Or are they different?" He asks, glad to be here as well.

Steve chuckles. He bums and shakes his head. “The one at three and six are the same, before fireworks is different.” He leans into Tony as he starts to walk down the street, past a few floats for the parade.

"Wonderful." Tony smiles and walks along with with him. It's nice, if you ignore all the people yelling, albiet fondly, at Steve. "Captain! Captain! Captain!"

Steve smiles and waves at them, staying close to Tony, he slowly tucks one ear buds in. “I supposed I best go do my Captain America duties of pleasing the public huh?” He glances at the crowds.

"I suppose you must. Call if you need me." He leans up and kisses his cheek. "I'll be watching in the crowd the whole time, my love," he promises him.

“I will, love you.” Steve dashes off with a wave and smile to his husband, the crowd immediately surrounding him, loud chattering.

"Love you." Tony keeps his eyes on Steve, wanting to monitor to make sure that nothing went wrong around him.

Steve makes it up to the stage eventually for his first speech, an American flag painted on one cheek, a rainbow one on the other, Steve’s grinning and looking like he’s having a fun time

Tony's glad he's enjoying himself. He loves seeing him smile like that, and cheers as he makes his speech, loud above the crowd.

Steve finishes up his speech and happily makes his way back to Tony. “Tons!” He grins and flings himself into Tony’s arms.

"Hi, there," Tony greets, fondly bemused by the eagerness but happily wrapping his arms around Steve's waist. "Having fun?"

“Surprisingly yes.” Steve laughs and leans into Tony, kissing him deeply before pressing their foreheads together. “I may have had a little super soldier booze before leaving the house.” He flushes.

Tony kisses him back and then laughs softly. "I had a feeling, you're cute when you're tipsy," he teases. "You're not hiding any jn that utility belt are you?"

“Just a little tipsy…” Steve giggles and kisses Tony again, not caring about the crowd. The face paint he’d had on from some kid deciding he needed it, smears onto Tony’s cheek. “Just a little for after my speeches…”

Tony happily kisses him back. "The face pain is cute," he comments, laughing when it smears onto him. "Mm, alright then. Troublemaker. Whens the next one? 6?"

“Kid gave it to me, said I needed the flag… both my flag.” He points to the smeared America one then to the rainbow one. He grins and kisses him quickly before taking a deep breath, he should probably try to center himself a bit… “Six yeah.”

"Smart kid," Tony says fondly. He runs a hand through Steves hair, smiling at him. Loving how happy he seems. "What do you wanna do till then?"

Steve smiles and grabs Tony’s hand, swinging it gently, he’s surprised how much he’s actually enjoying this. “A vendor said he had a birthday cupcake for me… so I thought we could stroll through the vendors, buy some snacks… then go hide in our car for a bit.”

Tony smiles and happily follows him. "Snacks and then hiding in our car sounds perfect," he says. "Is that when you want your birthday blowjob?" He asks jokingly, eyes crinkling as he teases.

Steve chokes on his breath and claps his hand over Tony’s mouth. “Tony you can’t say that! We’re in public!” He laughs and drops his hand down, leading Tony into the vendor area, shaking his head. “You’re so bad…”

Tony laughs loudly too against Steve's hand. "But its so fun seeing you go red like that," he teases. He happily follows him through the stalls.

“You’re going to get me in trouble!” Steve laughs as he looks over a few of the stalls, humming softly. He drags him over to an art stand, where he’s of course greeted with enthusiastic happy birthdays.

"Im very cheeky, I know," Tony drawls. He follows him happily to the art stand, already thinking of buying Steve something. Its nice seeing him with his fans.

Steve runs his hands over some of the leather bound sketchbooks. “These are beautiful…” He whispers, glancing up to the seller and happily chatting with him, he’s just glad he’s only ran into mostly nice people today.

"Pick one and I'll buy it," Tony promises. He looks through the stalls while Steve chats, he's so in lvoe with him.

“Thank you baby.” Steve calls out before going back to chatting. After a few minutes he floats over to Tony with a sketchbook in hand, starts scattered across it. “This is nicer than I was expecting.” He mumbles, resting his chin on Tony’s shoulder.

Tony smiles, and buys the sketchbook automatically. He's glad Steve asks for these things now. "Im glad you're having a good time, sweetheart."

“Everyone’s been surprisingly nice… though I wouldn’t be surprised if the not so nice people started showing up soon.” Steve frowns and plays with a strand of Tony’s hair. “That’s what super soldier booze is for…”

"You expecting trouble, love?" Tony asks with a slight frown of his own. He wants this to go easily for Steve, whether its his real birthday or not. "Is it , now?"

“It usually does go terribly.” Steve mumbles with a frown. He glances to Tony and sighs. “Hm? What?” He leans into his side.

"You brought your falsk just in case something went wrong..." Tony poitns out. he hates that he's anticipating this.

“Right.” Steve smiles and kisses Tony’s cheek. “Come on…” He carefully pulls Tony through the crowd. Wanting a little bit of quiet before things start up again.

Tony follows Steve towards their car, ducking inside it and kissing him. "You're doing okay?" He confirms, just in case.

“I’m okay… little overwhelmed.” Steve kisses him gently in return, slipping inside the car.

"Well, I'm right here if you need me," he promises. "Only a few more hours, then I can give you fake birthday presents."

“Thanks baby…” Steve chuckles and snuggles into Tony, closing his eyes and relaxing for a moment. “Fake birthday parties… I adore you Tony-"

"I adore you too," Tony murmurs, leaning against his husband and kissing his head gently. "Love you so much."

Steve smiles softly. He leans into Tony. “I love you so much… so… what did you get me?” He grins up at Tony, taking a quick drink from his flask

"Well, I found myself a USO tourgirl uniform like I promised months ago,' he says. "But more importantly, I got you some new oil paints, and made you something too."

“Oh fuck-” Steve flushes a deep red and grins. “I cannot wait to see you in that. Shit baby-” He kisses his cheek and softens. “You did? Oh baby thank you…”

"Thought as much," Tony says with a grin. He pulls out a little motorised keychain, clearly based on Madra. "Happy fake birthday."

Steve gasps at the keychain, he takes it carefully, his eyes bright. “Oh baby it’s perfect! Thank you-” He hugs Tony happily, feeling so in love and happy.

Tony beams. "Wait, thay isnt the best part." He presses a button on the front paw and the dog barks, clearly Madra recorded.

Steve’s eyes widen. “Tons… it’s amazing- I love it so much…” He holds it delicately, his eyes bright as he looks at it.

Tony smiles brightly. "I'm glad you like it," he says, sounding immensely pleased at the creation.

“I love it. Thank you so much baby.” Steve leans over and gives him a little kiss. He’s amazed by what Tony made, he cradles it in his hands carefully. “We better get back out there, not too long till fireworks…”

"You're welcome," Tony says happily. He kisses Steve back and then nods. "Ready to give another speech?"

Steve sighs happily into the kiss before nodding. “Yeah… we can leave after, avoid fireworks.” He smiles and gets out of the car.

"Sounds like a plan." Tony smiles and follows him, letting him take the lead through the crowd once again.

Steve manages to get them to the stage, he stops at the front of the stage and kisses Tony’s cheek. “I’ll be back after my speech.” He kisses him quickly and scurries up onto the stage.

Tony kisses him happily and then sirs back to watch the speech. Steve always gives amazing speeches, so hes kinda excited.

Steve actually does love making speeches, and having a platform like this? It’s amazing. He makes his speech, and it’s good like always, people fill the stage and Steve tries to get off the stage, wanting to be with Tony but people keep pushing him back, talking excitedly, fireworks are being prepare to be fired.

The speech is incredible, and Tony cheers. But once it's done he immediately rushes towards Steve, trying to get him away from teh crowd before the fireworks start. "Excuse me! Iron Man coming through!"

A few people step out of Tony’s way but there’s still a lot of people making it difficult. “Tony?” Tony can hear Steve and see the top of his head for a moment, but a loud boom of a firework goes off and Steve disappears.

"Shit!" Tony barges through the crowd, eyes scanning quickly for Steve. "Steve? Steve!" He cant leave him alone with the fireworks-

Steve’s tucked up on the ground, covering his hand with his hands, fireworks exploding loudly above them.

Tony finds him quickly, rushing over. "Steve, honey, we need to leave now," he says, touch and voice gentle.

Steve shakes his head quickly. “No- no cover, have to save everyone!” He tries to struggle up, breathing heavily.

"Come on, I'll get you to safety. Everyone else is covered, I promise. Buck and Clint have them." He tries to make him stand.

“Civilians-” Steve gasps as he stays on the ground, he tugs Tony down with him quickly. “Tony! Down, the bombs!”

"They're safe. Wr have to get to shelter, Steve." He knows better than to try and break him out of the flashback right now.

“Shelter- where?” Steve gasps and starts to try to crawl off the stage, holding onto Tony.

"Follow me." Tony ignores everyone around him, leading him back towards the car.

Steve follows him quickly, ducking down and wincing, tugging on Tony as they get to the car.

"Were safe in here," Tony rushes to reassure him, turning the engine on.

Steve cries out and stops the engine. “Baby no! Quiet!”

"Okay, okay, im sorry," Tony says quickly. "Ill be quiet."

Steve shoves his hands into his pockets, shakily pulling out the earbuds Tony brought him, he shoves them into his ears and covers them. “Bombs- Tony stay safe…”

"I'm safe, the suit is on standby," Tony promises. "So long as we're together, we're both safe." He quickly kisses Steve's head.

Steve breathes shakily, he shifts and wraps his arms protectively around Tony. “I won’t let the bombs get us, I won’t…”

Tony lets himsekf be held. "I know. You're very brave, baby. Everyone is safe now." He kisses his arm.

Steve tucks his chin on top of Tony’s head, holding him protectively he winces and cries out at every firework, it takes a good half hour before the fireworks stop.

Tony holds him through all of them. He hates seeing his husband so terrified. "I've got you... its all over now, love."

Steve slumps into Tony’s arms, breathing slowing a bit. “Bombs over?” He shudders and closes his eyes.

"Bombs are over. Its just us now. Everyone is safe." He strokes his cheek gently, kisses his head.

“Everyone’s safe.” Steve echos, realizing at Tony’s touch. “Back to camp?” He whispers shakily.

"Back home." Tony leans in and steals a kiss, then puts the car in drive.

“Home…?” Steve startles at the kiss, he leans back in his seat, staring out.

Tony jerks back. Bad call. "Yes. Home. Its even safer there."

“Home… Brooklyn?” Steve glances to Tony and narrows his eyes. “Howard?”

"Our apartment," Tony dodges. He flinches slightly. "...Stark, yes."

“Our…” Steve looks confused. He settles back into his seat, brow furrowed. “Howard…”

Tony swallows tensely. "What's wrong, Cap?" He forces himself not to correct Steve.

“We don’t have an apartment… going to a secret base?” Steve tilts his head, narrowing his eyes at Tony, why does this feel off?

"Yes. Someplace secure," Tony confirms, barely hiding a wince at the suspicion in Steves eyes... he hates it.

“Good.” Steve turns to stare out the window, something feels very, very wrong. “Stark…” He glances down at his hand, frowning at the ring on his finger, he pulls it off and studies it carefully. “Was this for a mission?”

Tony looks away. He doesnt know if he shoukd he breaking Steve out of the flashback or not. "What do you remember?" He asks slowly.

Steve runs his thumb over the ring, tilting his head slowly. “Being in love…” His gaze shifts to Tony. “You’re not…” He blinks rapidly and looks around the car. “Where- Tony?!”

"Oh, thank god," Tony mutters. "I'm right here, sweetheart," he says quickly. "We're on our way home. You had a flashback, but you're safe, I prmoise."

Steve looks over at Tony, his eyes are wide with fear. “There’s bombs Tony, why are there bombs?” He flings over to cover Tony, affectively blocking Tony’s view of the road and grabbing at him. “Tony shelter!”

Tony swerves off the road, slamming the car into park so they don't hit anything. Luckily, its a fairly empty road. "Steve, baby, there aren't any. They're fireworks."

Steve breathes heavily, looking around wildly. He curls his body protectively around Tony. “Fireworks? Not bombs…?”

Tony curls into Steve, letting him protect him. "No bombs. Just celebration. Its fourth of July, honey."

“Fourth… fuck!” Steve jerks back from Tony, covering his face and flushing with embarrassment. “What the fuck is wrong with me-”

"Notning!" Tony replies instantly. "Darling, you have PTSD, there's nothing wrong with you," he says, frowning.

Steve presses his head back against the seat, frowning deeply. “I should’ve left sooner. Shouldn’t have let this happen.” He blinks as he notices they’re stopped at the side of the road. “Baby?”

"Steve, it's not your fault. You got swarmed," Tony says gently, refusing to let his husband blame himself for this. He looks around. "You were trying to cover me. I didn't want to crash."

Steve stares at the roof of the car. “I’m sorry-” He immediately looks over at Tony, making sure he’s okay, his face flushed with shame. “Did I say anything?” He asks nervously before shaking his head. “Let’s go home.”

Tony looks away for a moment. "You--thought I was Howard. It's fine. It's not a big deal." He kisses his head. "Lets go home." He starts driving again.

Steve pales a bit. “Oh…” He looks like he feels sick, leaning his head against his seat, blinking back tears.

Tony nods and doesnt say anything. He floors it back to their home, straight inside when they get there. He calls for Madra.

Madra comes dashing out, she taps Steve’s leg and presses against him, Steve drops to the floor and hugs her tightly.

Tony's heart aches at the sight. He comes and sits down near Steve, offering him a hand without pushing.

Steve takes his hand shakily, not moving away form Madra, he buries his face into her fur, breathing heavily.

"You're okay, angel," Tony murmurs, stroking his thumb over his hand gently, heart breaking for his husband.

Steve lifts his head from Madra’s fur, staring at the wall for a long moment. “I thought I would do better.” He whispers shakily.

"You did well," Tony reassures him. "If they hadnt swarmed you there would have been no issues."

Steve lets out a slow breath and nods, leaning into Tony, he shifts to properly rest his head on his shoulder, Madra climbing into his lap. “It just… I wish I didn’t do that.”

Tony immediately wraps an arm around him and starts gently stroking his hair, soothing him. "I know," he murmurs. "PTSD is hard, baby. You're doing your best."

Steve melts into Tony’s touch. “It’s horrible.” He whispers, shaking his head. “I hate being this weak.”

"Hey. Absolutely not, Steve." Tony tilts his chin up so Steve has to look at him. "You are the furtherest thing in the world to weak."

Steve looks up with eyes full of tears. “I just want to be… not like this-” He shifts and hugs Tony tightly. “I want to not have it, I don’t want it:”

Tony could sob, and he buries Steve in his arms, lightly stroking his hair. "Oh, honey. I know. I know."

Steve sobs and tucks down against Tony’s chest. “I don’t want it- I want to be able to do this." he clings to his husband.

Tonys heart breaks, gently rocking Steve as he holds him. "It's going to be okay, my love," he reassures him softly.

“I just feel like I should be a little better by now…” Steve whispers shakily, pressing closer to Tony, letting his husbands touch ground him.

"Hey..." Tony rubs his thumb over Steve's cheek gently. "Baby, you are. You are better. It just doesn't feel like it now."

Steve shakes his head a bit, leaning into Tony’s hand. “It feels like I’m not, I just…” Steve trails off and shakes his head.

"Thats just because you're in it all right now. You'll feel better once you've calmed down more." He kisses his head.

Steve lets out a frustrated breath, he drops his head onto Tony’s shoulder. “I hate my mind right now… so much.”

"I know you do, amore. I wish I could do more..." He trails off, hating that Steve is struggling so very much.

Steve shakes his head a bit. “You do enough love, you do so much.” He tucks closer to his husband, tears pricking at his eyes.

"I love you. Whatever you need, im here." He kissed his head again, then gently starts to stroke his hair.

“Thank you baby-” Steve gasps out, he closes his eyes and relaxes into the touch in his hair.

"Always. Anytime." He kisses his head again, holding Steve, hoping to soothe him.

Steve smiles at the kiss, calming down a bit. “I wish I could do today… it was so good before the fireworks.” He pulls out the keychain of Madra Tony made.

"You did great. We can work up to fireworks if they're that important yo you,"he says gently, smiling at the key chain.

Steve sighs and shifts, leaning against Tony’s chest, pressing the button to make Madra bark with a soft smile. “I’m just so expected to show up for things like that.”

"Mm, I know you are. We need to get you invisible noise cancelling headphones," he decides.

“We do… do those exists?” Steve pulls out his earbuds out of his pocket. “These did help a bit… but I didn’t put them in during my speech.”

"If they don't, I'll make them exist," Tony promises. "You didn't have time to after either, huh?"

Steve shakes his head. “Not until I was in the car. They said the fireworks would go after ten minutes after my speech.”

"Bullshit that they didn't wait," Tony says with a frown. He'll be calling the event manager the next day.

Steve shakes his head, fiddling with the keychain. “It’s fine… they were just off on timing.” He stares at the wall. Eyes a little distant.

"It wasnt okay. We told them not to be." He shakes his head and moves to hold Steve again.

Steve startles, shoving Tony off him hard, he scrambles back and hits his back against the wall. Madra barks once loudly, whimpering at Tony then barking again once.

Tony pulls away slowly. "Stevie, its just me. It's Tony... whats going on?" He asks gently, not wa ting to startle him again. "Shh, girl."

Madra whines and pats Tony’s leg. Steve blinks a few times before he flushes, shaking his head. “Sorry, sorry- I’m fine.” He looks away sharply, tears pricking his eyes.

Tony pets her gently. "You dont have to be fine," Tony murmurs, the words oh so very very gentle. He hates this.

Madra leans into Tony before walking over to Steve and plopping down next to him. Steve reaches out and shakily pets Madra. He nods shakily at Tony’s words, tears slipping over and spilling down his cheek. “I thought for a second you were a dead body.”

Tony inhales sharply. "I'm sorry." He doesnt know what to do with that, besides being horrified on Steves behalf.

Steve bites the inside of his cheek, staring at the wall with a slightly blank look. “That happened sometimes…” He mumbles, eyes flicking down.

"Im sorry," Tony repeats helplessly. He doesnt want to imagine what that would be like... God, poor Steve, fuck.

Steve blinks and clears his throat, quickly shoving himself to his feet. He presses his hands to his face for a moment. “The war was horrifying.” He whispers, eyes hollow before moving towards the kitchen. “I need a distraction-”

"I know." Tony stands too, following after Steve hastily. Okay. What do you need? Anything, I'll give it to you."

Steve paces the kitchen, eyes flicking around. “I don’t know.” He replies tense. He flexes his hands out. He curses and shakes his head.

"Want to spar?" tony offers when nothing else comes to his mind. he hates this, hates that he has no other options.

“I don’t want to hurt you.” Steve glances around the kitchen, he lets out a frustrated breath and slams his fist into the counter. “Dammit!” He yells, the counter cracking under his fist.

"We've sparred plenty of times before,"Tony protests. They used to insist on it bac after New York. He jerks back. "Jesus, Steve!"

Steve yanks his hand back, staring at the cracked counter in a bit of shock, breathing heavily for a long moment. “Sorry…” He whispers, looking down. “Maybe we should spar…”

Tony frowns. He hasnt seen Steve triggered to violence like this before. Not often or so extreme at least. "Lets go downstairs, then."

Steve stares at the ceiling for a minute. He nods jerkily and moves quickly for the stairs, snagging Tony’s hands as he goes down them.

Tony willingly holds his hands as thry go downstairs. He wraps his own when they get to the ring. "Ready?"

Steve doesn’t wrap his hands when they get down. He nods and flexes his hands out. “Ready.” He glances Tony up and down before lunging at him.

He frowns, but he knew Steve wouldn't. He dodges the lunge and moves to attack Steve, even though he's holding back. He doesn't want to hurt his husband.

Steve fights back, stopping Tony quickly, he hits him in the stomach hard, definitely harder than he usually does. Steve drops back, breathing heavily and flexing his hands out.

Tony winces. That was a lot more forceful than he was expecting from Steve, but.. he needs this. "Again?"

Steve lets out a harsh breath and nods. “Again.” He confirms, looking at Tony carefully.

Tony nods. he lunges again, this time going towards Steve's stomach harshly.

Steve makes a small sound, before he slams his fist up, hitting Tony’s nose hard, blood spurting immediately.

Tony stumbles back, clutching his face with a sharp pained cry. "Fucking hell!"

Steve gasps, flinging back and covering his mouth. “Shit- I’m so fucking sorry! Fuck!” Steve reaches for Tony.

Tony lets him, moving towards him. "Its alright. Its not broken, I dont think. Ow. Fuck." He cups the nose.

“Shit- I’m so sorry!” Steve tries to touch his nose, hands shaking.

"Its okay, baby, it's okay," Tony reassures him quickly, staying close by.

Steve shakes his head quickly. “No it’s not okay-” He touches his nose and pulls back, horrified at seeing Tony’s blood on his hand.

"It was an accident, angel," Tony says gently. He can ignore it anyway--

Steve flings his hands down, taking a few quick steps back. “Why would I do that? Why would I-"

Tony moves after him. "Steve," he insists. "It was an accident."

Steve shakes his head, heading quickly for the door, staring down at his hand smeared with Tony’s blood. “I hit you!”

"we were sparring," Tony points out. He follows Steve, he shouldn't have suggested this, fuck. it was all wrong.

“Sparring! Not fighting-” Steve shakes his head, moving up the stairs, his hands shaking. “I shouldn’t have let my anger out on you, fuck baby!”

"It was an accident," Tony repeats. "I know you didn't mean it. It's not broken. Don't be so mad at yourself."

Steve shakes his head and hurries up the steps, going back into their home. “I- no! No Tony there’s blood on your face again- because of me again!” He presses a hand to his chest. “Not again-”

"Hey, I need you to breathe,"Tony says, his voice shaky but warm. "I'm not hurt. I'm going to be fine in 20 minutes."

“No! Tony-” Steve leans back against the wall, taking a few heaving breaths. “I promised I’d never make you bleed like that again! Not after-" He cuts himself off with a broken sob.

Siberia. of course this was about Siberia. Tony moves on instinct more than logic, then. He grabs Steves hand and presses it firmly onto the arc reactor. "Steve. I'm not hurt. Im safe."

Steve yanks his hands back like he’d touched fire. He stumbles back from Tony, shaking his head. “No- no I won’t do it again!” He shifts, stumbling back towards the stairs backwards.

Tony rushes after him. He can't let him do this, not after everything. "Steve. I'm not in danger, baby...'

Steve shakes his head. “No! No I did it again!” He stares at the blood on Tony’s face horrified.

Tony curses and rushes to grab a cloth. He doesn't come back till his face is scrubbed clean. "im fine, angel."

Steve’s sitting on the floor, face tear stained. He looks up at Tony. “I’m sorry…” He whispers shakily, holding his arms out for Tony.

"I know." He immediately approaches him and pulls Steve into his arms, holding him tight to his chest.

Steve lets out an angry sob, clinging tightly to Tony. “Why am I such a mess today?!” He hits his head against Tony’s shoulder.

Tony gently strokes his hair, trying to he comforting. "It's just a bad day to be triggered, love."

Steve cries against him, clinging to his husband. “I’m sorry-” Be whispers shakily.

"It's alright," Tony says gently. He keeps stroking Steve's hair, steady and soft. "It's okay."

Steve cries harshly, he shakily reaches up to feel the reactor, hands desperately clinging to it, nails biting into the skin below the reactor. “Not broken- not broken…”

The nails hurt, but Tony doesn't care. Not when its Steve and he so clearly needs this. "It's not broken. I'm safe "

“Not broken…” Steve whispers, looking up at Tony with a tear stained face. “I never meant to do it again.”

"I know. I forgive you, baby," Tony promises. "I love you." He leans in to gently kiss Steves cheek, hoping to reassure him.

Steve takes a few shaky breaths, leaning into the kiss to his cheek. He closes his eyes and just breathes for a moment.

Steve frowns and walks over, wrapping one hand around Tony’s shoulders. “I thought I’d better be here when you were done…” He looks him over worriedly. “Baby… what’s going on?”

"How'd you know i would be here?" Tony asks, slumping into Steve's hold. He hadn't told anyone where he was going. He's shaking lightly against him. "Everything. Fucking everything is going on."

Steve instantly wraps his arms around Tony, cupping the back of his head. “I suspected things were about to get bad… and this morning you felt off… I checked a few places.” He presses a kiss to the top of his head. “I’m so sorry love…”

Tony presses into Steve, clinging to him tight enough to border on being painful. "I'm glad you found me," he admits, mouth smushed against Steve's chest. "Please, can we go home?" His voice is small, quiet.

“I’ll always find you.” Steve whispers, letting Tony cling to him as tight as he needs. He nods and gently lifts Tony fully into his arms, carrying him. “We can go home love.”

"Thank you." Tony slumps into Steve's arms. "Did you bring your car...?" He asks, cause he drove here, but he doesn't want to go to his car yet--

“Yeah baby, I did…” Steve looks concerned as he brushes Tony’s hair back. “I’m here okay? I’m here for you.” He carries him into his car.

"Thank god." He can't help but say it. He leans into the touch, settling in the passenger seat of the car. He's so glad that Steve is there with him..

“What’s wrong with your car?” Steve asks carefully, he reaches out and takes his hand squeezing it gently. “You can talk to me baby.”

Tony hesitates, embarrassment and shame covering his face for a long moment. "It-- uh. There's two bottles of whiskey in the passanger seat?"

“Oh honey…” Steve pulls Tony into a hug, kissing the side of his head. “You don’t have to feel ashamed… set backs happen love, you didn’t drink it, that’s a big step love.”

Tony presses heavily into the hug, still trembling. "I didn't drink it," he echoes shakily. He'd left the liquor store and driven straight to the meeting instead. But still.

“I’m proud of you for that.” Steve whispers, rubbing his back firmly. “It’s okay baby, things have been so hard for you right now, I know… but you’re gonna be okay, I’m going to help you okay?”

"I shouldn't have been there at all!" Tony protests weakly, he hates this, hates that he's so weak. He nods, though its shakey. "Yeah. Please, Steve... I need you."

Steve holds him close, his heart breaking for his husband. “I know… but it happened love, it happens with recovery. I’m so sorry.” He cradles him and holds him. “I’m here. I’m here…”

Tony buries his face in Steve's neck to stop himself from sobbing. He can't do this all again. "I'm sorry," he whispers into Steves chest. "Im so sorry!"

“Shh… none of that love, none of that. You’re okay.” Steve holds him tightly, rubbing his back, his heart aching for him. “Mistakes happen baby. It’s gonna be okay…”

"None of this is okay," Tony says, a small sob escaping from his mouth. He hates this. "I shouldn't-- why am I like this!?"

“I know… but it’ll be okay.” Steve wants to cry, he just holds Tony tighter. “Baby it’s not your fault, you’re an alcoholic… you’re not wrong baby, you’re not a mess up…”

Tony bites back more tears. He doesn't want tk cry. "I am bitterly away of the fact I'm an alcoholic... I'm not meant to want this anymore..."

“Honey, what do you mean? Not meant to want this? Baby, the want just doesn’t go away.” Steve curls Tony closer, wiping his tears.

"I'm meant to be better!" Tony protests. "I haven't-- I've been sober. I thought I was past this."

“Baby, you know that’s not how being sober works sadly, you’re always going to have that urge, and some days you slip up, but Tony… that doesn’t mean you’re not doing good.” Steve cups his face. “You are doing so good love, I’m so proud of you, look at where you are, past you would’ve drank those bottles, but you didn’t. That’s such good progress.”

"I don't want to feel like this anymore," Tony whispers, looking down so he doesn't have to meet Steve's gaze. "I'm so tired of this, Stevie..."

“Grá…” Steve cups his cheek, looking into his eyes, his heart shattering for his husband. “I’m so sorry you have to carry this.” He whispers before pulling him to his chest. “Im so sorry.”

Tony nods weakly, pressing himself heavily against Steve's chest. He closes his eyes like that'll make everything go away. "I hate this so much."

“I know.” Steve whispers quietly, wishing he could do more to help him. He holds Tony, whispering soft comforts.

"Why do you put up with this?" Tony asks, looking up at Steve after a little longer of him crying.

Steve shakes his head. “I don’t put up with you Tony…” He gently brushes his tears away gently. “I want to be with you Tony, I love all of you… even the flaws. I don’t mind them at all.”

"Its a pretty big flaw." Tony hates this about himself. Hates what the addiction does to him and the people he cared about.

“I know… but that’s alright, I still love you, I still want you, you could have the biggest flaw in the world and I would still choose you.” Steve brushes Tony’s hair back gently. “Tons, I love you. I’m so sorry you’re hurting so badly right now…”

"I love you too," Tony whispers, clinging to Steve gratefully. He's so lucky to have a husband like this. "Thank you," he whispers, looking up at him with wet eyes.

“Always.” Steve whispers oh so gently, he tucks Tony close for a moment before sitting back in his seat. “Can I drive us home love?”

Tony nods. "Yes, please. I'd like to be home." He thinks cuddles in bed with Steve and the dog was probably in order.

“We’ll go home then.” Steve starts driving, reaching out to hold one of Tony’s hands.

"Thank you." He takes Steve's hand, squeezing it tightly. He can get through this. He has before. "Um. Maybe you hide your super soldier booze.."

Steve squeezes his hand firmly as he drives. He frowns and nods, his heart breaking for him. “Of course baby, I’ll do that.”

"Thank you," Tony says. "Sorry," he adds, even thoug hhe knows he doesn't need to.

“You don’t need to be sorry baby…” Steve whispers, as he drives.

Tony nods but doesn't agree. He sits in heavy silence as they drive.

Steve sits quietly as he drives, heart aching for his husband. He pulls up to their home.

Tony is quiet, not saying much. He doesn't know what to say, frankly. He just feels like a screw up-

“Baby…” Steve gets out of the car, gently taking his hands. “Come inside love, it’s gonna be okay….”

"Is it?" Tony whispers hopelessly, trailing after Steve without much energy or effort.

“It is.” Steve says firmly and gently. He frowns and turns around, wrapping his arm around him, heart aching.

"Okay." Steve is usually right anyway... Tony stays closeto him as they move inside, cuddling up.

Steve’s so worried about his husband, he keeps him close as they make it inside. Madra walks over wagging her tail, she’s tilts her head and whines, nudging Tony’s hand.

Tony looks down at her dully. "Hey, girl," he greets quietly. reaching out to pet her a little bit, soft.

Madra nudges his hand again, before leaning heavily against his leg. “Bed or couch grá?’ Steve holds him gently.

Tony considers. "Bed, please," he says, continuing to reach down so he can cautiously pet Madra.

Madra stays glued to Tony’s side. Steve nods and gently leads him to their bed. “I’ve got you sweetheart.” He sits on the bed and pulls Tony into his arms.

Tony curls tightly against Steves chest, trying desperately to stay close to him. Madra is helping too. He shuts his eyes tight like they'll block out the cravings.

“You’re not alone.” Steve whispers as he rubs Tony’s back, Madra shuffles closer, leaning into Tony.

Tony makes a soft, almost whining sound as he clings to Steve. He keeps his eyes scrunched shut. It's bad, though. He's holding Steve so he doesn't get up and search for something else.

Steve wants to cry, he rubs his back firmly. “I’m here, I’m here love…” He rocks him gently in his arms.

Tony clings tighter, burying his face in the crook of Steve's neck. "It hurts," he complains quietly, small.

“I’m so sorry baby…” Steve whispers, gently cupping the back of his head, wishing he could do something more to help- “do you want a distraction?”

"Yes, please," Tony says, practically begging him for one. He opens his eyes, theyre wet and tired.

Steve could cry at the sight of Tony like this, he gently brushes his hair back. “What do you want me to do sweetheart?”

"I don't know," Tony whispers. "Something. I just want to not want this. baby. Please..."

“Okay love.” Steve says gently, he holds out his hands. “Hands baby.” He wiggles his fingers.

Tony cautiously holds his hands out to Steve, wondering where he's going.

Steve takes his hands and starts to massage them, humming softly. He squeezes his pointed finger. “Tell me what you feel.”

Tony lets his eyes close, focusing on sensation only. "You're squeezing them. They ache a little."

Steve hums in approval. “Good, what about this?” He runs one fingers lightly down Tony’s middle finger and to his palm.

Tony breathes our slowly. "Your finger moving down the middle of my hand," he murmurs carefully.

“How does it feel?” Steve brushes his finger up and down his palm, he breathes deeply, loud for Tony to copy.

"A little tickly," Tony says. He copies Steve's breathing without even really realising.