[stef-sih-nee]

In general, I am viewed as a very positive and happy person. This is true. However, I don’t think anyone is positive and happy 365 days out of the year. The ups and downs of pursuing a full-time artistry independently can take a huge toll on your mental and emotional health. Especially if you don’t have or if you don’t feel like you have a person to express things to when times are hard. You know? There should always be someone in your life that you feel safe being “low” around, who will allow you to process what you are feeling for a moment, but who will also not let you stay there. Someone who will listen to you and maybe even talk you through things and brainstorm things with you. 

I released a project almost two months ago and the emotional rollercoaster that goes along with a self-financed release has taken a huge toll on me.  I have continued to press forward with “the plan” which in turn makes it appear like everything is great and I’m good. As a result, I rarely get asked how I am...it’s just assumed that I’m good. I do have safe spaces where I can talk and vent and complain and then get snapped out of it, but this particular season has been harder than some of the others. I’m not so low to the point of feeling like quitting, I’ve been there already but it’s still a daily struggle currently to stay positive. 

I’m sharing this here because I hope it encourages readers who are currently pushing toward something where it feels like you are trudging through the mud to get there. You’re going to get emotionally tired and cranky sometimes. You may feel like you don’t have much to give. It’s ok. Some people may not understand it, they may call it something it isn’t, but remember you can’t control how other people view you but you can control how you treat others. I believe it’s my job to just try and make sure people feel as loved as possible. In the midst of things not feeling great that can be hard to do consistently and, sometimes it gets missed, but the goal remains the same no matter what.

A lot of people ask me if I sat down and wrote the songs to this EP in sequence. The answer is… no. Each song was written independently of the project, and then when I looked at what songs I had in my catalogue, I put them together to create a complete story.

The opening lyric was inspired by some of the men that my friends have dated.

//whisper sweetly into my ear, tell me the lies that I want to hear/ I already know where it’s gonna go/ but I’ma act like I don’t know// 

From the very first date, they had this feeling that the man they were seeing was more than likely not a great dude and yet, they saw it through anyway.

//You’re no good for me, I mean sometimes you make me feel like a queen/Too bad for me that it’s temporary//

This lyric was inspired by some of the men both my friends and I have encountered. They initially make us women feel like queens. It’s an inconsistent effort. They go above and beyond bringing flowers, washing dishes, giving foot rubs, saying nice things, or treating us to nice dinners, and then will flip it and do the “ghosting” thing. Anytime this is happening with someone, it’s going to be a temporary situation.

//drop 100 easy on a plate, talks of your yacht on our second date/I’m not impressed at this stage/slow down just wait// 

The inspiration behind this lyric was a result of a conversation I had with one of my guy friends, who is very materialistic. He is an amazing human being, will drop his entire life to help you, but he talks about all of the things he has and all of the money he has quite often.  This is where the lyrics above came from.

The bridge was not really inspired by anyone in particular.

//all my friends would say, I should keep you around, but I don’t feel the same cause something about you ain’t genuine// 

I came up with it when I was thinking about how we as women have this crazy intuition. We know when something isn’t right, even in the very beginning stages of a relationship, and yet we often ignore that feeling because the people around us “like them”.

All in all, the song is about knowing from the very beginning that a situation is not “it” and deciding to entertain it anyway. That’s why it’s “too bad”. It’s “too bad” that we enter into these temporary situations knowingly and then morn them when they are over.  

This song is very personal, and in order to protect the person I wrote this song about, I will not get too specific with the meaning behind each lyric like I typically would.

This song was written from a moment of realization. It was written from a place of wanting to encourage people who are not sure if they can ever forgive a person for being careless with their heart. I wrote this song after encountering someone who had shattered my heart. Someone who I thought I would never want to see again. After our encounter, I went about my day as if it were a normal day. There was no external or internal drama as a result. There was no walking down memory lane. It was just a normal encounter, almost as if he were just an old friend I hadn’t seen in a while.  It was in that moment that I realized I had not only forgiven him but that I had completely healed from everything tied to that situation.

It’s tough being a woman in entertainment. As we have seen with all of these sexual assault cases popping up against high profile men in the industry who have taken advantage of women trying to “catch a break”. A question I consistently ask myself is “how hard is it really?”

Many people in America would probably label me as a fairly “modest” woman. I don’t dress in a particularly revealing manner. I’ll show my legs while keeping everything else covered. I’ll wear a mid-rift but only with a high waisted bottom. You will not see my entire chest out, not because I don’t think I have nice breasts, but I just don’t feel like it’s necessary most of the time. You won’t find me taking a bunch of photos in my bikini at the beach and posting it to social media for everyone to see. I’ve been told I need to “show more skin” or “loosen up” in that area by people. But I won’t. The funny thing is...In a lot of other cultures, I’m not seen as modest at all. Americans though, are consistently seeming to thirst for more skin. Lol!  However, that is a different topic for a different day. Lol! 

Something I am challenged with as a female artist moving through the R&B/Pop/Hip-Hop scene is the idea of needing to “sell sex” in order to break. There are so many women out there who sing about it, look like it, and talk like it doing many of the things I aspire to do. They are creating music, touring, and are being given the platform to impact millions of people with their messages. So, do I need to show a little more skin so that I can get noticed faster? My answer is no. It’s not who I am. I believe that we should stay true to who we are. I’m not willing to compromise what makes me feel secure and confident for millions of “likes” and “views”. 

I believe that there is an audience out there who don’t NEED to see a woman half dressed and singing about sex in order to be a fan. The same fan who loves the half-naked female artist also loves the fully dressed one. I just believe for those of us who want to remain covered up and keep our messages away from the trend, it will take a more intentional and creative strategy to get noticed. It may even take longer. There is that saying that “sex sells” and this is true. What isn’t true though is that sex is the ONLY thing that sells. I have chosen to not take the “sex selling route”. Although I know some will say this puts me at a disadvantage and may even be the reason why I haven't “made it” yet, I am confident that what I am producing is great and will one day very soon reach more people than I can ever imagine without me taking “that” route.  

This isn’t a dig on the women out there who do not choose modesty. I think we as women should be allowed to fly free in whatever direction we choose without judgment from other women OR from men. I have just personally chosen not to follow the trend in this area. We’ll see how far I can get. 

The story behind this song is one of my favorites, but the song in and of itself is not autobiographical like the rest of the songs on my upcoming project.

 Two things happened here.

One day I was talking to my friend after I had come home from a gathering about how people don’t dance anymore - they just stand around and look at each other. I told him I wanted to write a song about it. 

Later that evening, I pulled up my voice memos and found this memo of me playing the piano and humming this melody. I re-recorded it and sang “people don’t want to dance anymore”. Those were the only lyrics I had! Hahahahaha! I took the original voice memo to my bass player, Zach Witcher, to see if we could come up with something, and he made me a demo track that I was able to sing over. A few days later, I was watching ‘Atlanta’ and became inspired by the back and forth between Van and Earn in the show. I thought…“I wonder how their break up scene would look?” That is the moment I came up with the rest of the lyrics.

As things evolved, the chorus eventually became You don’t wanna dance no more, don’t wanna hold my hand no more, won’t look me in my eye anymore - My original demo actually has me singing “you don’t wanna dance anymore”, but after much back and forth, I decided “no more” had the better flow.

You’re leaving me lost alone in this dream. I’ve tried to share everything I believe with you - This is classic. We all want to share our dreams with our partners, right?

Been working so hard and I never sleep - This is the ONLY line that is 100% about me in this song. Hahaha. I put this in there because I had been working hard and was not sleeping much.

First time in a month we’ve had time to eat together, and you’re not listening  This was me imagining how Van and Earn would be breaking up over dinner.

Sound of the rain, it’s 3:59. I’m not even worried about the time, no...It was actually 3:59 in the afternoon, and it was actually raining when I started this verse.

I’m not giving up cause one thing I know, you think I will fail without you but oh, honey…you don’t know me - This has a double meaning. Although inspired by how much Earn hustles in the show to try to“make it” and support Van and his child, these words ALSO are intended to be from me to those who think I can’t be successful without their help. :-)

All and all, the song is my take on Van and Earn’s would be break up scene. I added some inspiration from my life in there too, of course. It’s pretty amazing because CAMM came in and added EXACTLY what I felt the song needed.

I love to eat. If you are in my inner circle, you know this about me. I almost ALWAYS am snacking on something. I like good high-quality food and trash food. My favorite snacks are fruit, chocolate, and bread. Hahahahahahaha. You can see how this could cause a problem right? Well, I balance it out by NOT eating all day every day (even though I want to) and working out. I don't like to document my workouts because...well...enough people do that. But if you are reading this and you are like me, a person who LOVES food and who wants to keep her body looking as FINE AS WINE, then let me encourage you. Working out is NOT fun (not very encouraging, I know, but...). Working out is necessary. Especially if you like to eat. Hahahahahaha. Sorry for the let down.

I had to condition my mind and body to make working out daily a habit. BUT  it has paid off tremendously. It took me 30 days of working out six days a week to get into the habit, but now if I don't work out I feel sluggish and lazy. My leading motivation is wanting to be able to eat and enjoy food and not feel bad about it! So...basically if you love food like I do, join a gym, find a class, start bike riding, do SOMETHING!  But workout so you can enjoy all of the delicious food that the world has to offer. :-) Plus, being active does wonders for your heart and keeps you looking and feeling younger! We all want that, right?

I have to start by saying that I didn’t come up with these lyrics on my own. I had the honor and privilege of writing this song with one of my favorite songwriters in Nashville, Renn Anderson. Renn came over to my house with his guitar and he started playing this rhythm he said he had been toying with on his way over. He started strumming and we started singing and the skeleton of the song was born.

/I’ve been working all these late nights, early morning trying to keep the lights on, every second from the morning I rise, burn the midnight/

At the time, I had been working a part-time job at the Courtyard by Marriott where I worked both the 7AM to 3PM shift and the 3PM to 11PM shift. That is what inspired the first line:

/don’t see me now but I’ll be right back/

I have been believing in and sowing into, this dream for YEARS. I’ve always felt like I was headed in the right direction, but during the time of writing this song, I had taken a MAJOR break from hanging out and being around the Nashville scene, partly because of touring and partly because I just needed to focus on me. This is me saying “I’ll be back in a minute y’all, I’m just trying to get this thing together!”

/Know where I’m going now I’m in the fast lane don’t try to catch me/

This is actually a Renn line. I was saying something about how I know what my purpose is. Other people may not see it yet, just try to keep up and then he was like…BOOM, let’s say this.

/Remember how you always said I had to stay close to the truth, no matter what you lose/

When I was a child my father NEVER punished me unless I lied. He basically taught me to tell the truth NO MATTER WHAT and be true to yourself.

/Since you always push your point of view I had to choose/

I used to be REALLY into this guy who always had something to say about what I was doing. One day he was like “I don’t think I could ever be with a woman who tours and is in the music industry like you are.” Once he said that, I realized that if I continued to consider him as a partner then I would have to choose between my passion and being with him.

/Loving me and losing you/

I didn’t choose him. Obviously. Hahahahahahahahahahaha!

/Man I’m finally doing me now, holding my head up like a queen now//life’s so much better when you’re open and you’re the one you put your hope in/

I kid you not when we were writing this particular line Renn said, “what would India Arie write”? And then we came up with this line. Hahahahahahaha.

I had an amazing talk with a close girlfriend of mine recently. We were talking about “harvesting”. We are both at a place where we are beginning to see the fruits of our labor manifest. There is a pattern that we’ve noticed within ourselves and others who seem to be “arriving”. There is this sense of “oh…I can rest now. I can take a little break”. NO! Farmers will tell you that once your crop is ready to come out of the ground, that is when the HARDEST work begins. That’s when you have to get out in the sun and pick for hours, sort through the crops that are good and those you have to toss. That’s when you have to soak and wash and prepare your crop for consumption. We work SO hard to get our dreams to grow and then when it’s time to harvest them, we take naps or kick our feet up and then try to come back to the harvest. That’s how you MISS it! That’s how you get set back! As I prepare to harvest this dream, I am getting my mind ready for the hardest work of my life. I’m going to sweat A LOT, my muscles are going to ache, I may cry, I may need to take a moment to drink some water, and it’s going take some time before the crop is ready for consumption, but please know that when it’s ready it’s going to be SOOOOO GOOD! I encourage you to do the same. Get ready to WORK because if your dream is ready…then this is just the beginning of your hardest work. The celebration will follow shortly after, don’t worry. :-)