a reverie at dawn. @stellarwisteria - Tumblr Blog

this is a vent dedicated sideblog with no trigger warnings. follow at your own discretion.

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awfulbastard

There are so many people that are pro disability rights until they find out disabilities can be gross sometimes. It's so wild seeing the same people advocating for more mental health talk losing their shit over a depressed person not brushing their teeth or cleaning their spaces, or people who totally support physically disabled people until they find out I once pissed in a cup because I was in too much agony to get out of my bed, or that sometimes cups and food sit in my room longer than they should because I physically can't get up to put them away. Disabled people sometimes have incontinence, disabled people sometimes have bad hygiene, and still deserve to be supported. It's so fucking performative and it pisses me off. Even other disabled people act like this. Shaming people for stuff they can't control doesn't help anyone, just makes you an insufferable person.

stellarwisteria

the disability tags on here are so important to me because i see posts like this that remind me to be kinder to myself. especially now i deal with constant ridicule living with my lowk abusive older sister who constantly throws shit like this in my face. i had to explain this to her literally just last night.

i woke up still feeling bad as i looked around my chaotic ass room and started to blame myself for “not doing enough” to take care of myself and my surroundings. but i just saw this post again and i feel a little better. i have to be kinder to myself. i have to remember that me doing the best i can is not any less valuable just because the results don’t meet a standard that’s unfair to my circumstances.

#reverie.txt #pots #chronically ill #chronic illness #disability #disabled

i could use a lot more encouragement from the people around me.

#reverie.txt

i went for a walk in 95° heat today and didn’t die. and finally started laundry. thats about the most physical activity i’ve had in a week… been bedrotting real bad but it’s hard not to when the act of simply standing upright makes your nervous system start crashing out

i’m still learning to show myself kindness and not compare my habits to people more physically able than i am, bc obviously thats not fair. like yeah, it hurts knowing that the most i can do in a week without pushing myself is what everyone else around me can do in a day. it does suck. but that doesn’t mean i should think less of myself for that. like damn girl ur literally sick give yourself a break!

#reverie.txt #pots #disability #chronic illness #chronically ill #disabled #postural orthostatic tachycardia syndrome #orthostatic intolerance #orthostatic hypotension

my mental fortitude is kinda crazy like im still saying life is so good despite the fact i lowk dealt with a short sexually abusive and traumatizing situationship like last month. 2 years ago i would have been feeling so suicidal in a moment like this but i think i just cant be kept down for long anymore!

i think part of it is that the concept of healing and the future used to be so inconceivable for me, but as i grow older i have been able to realize how much there is left out there for me in the future if i just take care of myself so i can reach it.

i still worry im not letting myself feel things organically and hurrying myself along the emotional recovery process but my current mindset is that ill be DAMNEDDD if i lose any more significant lengths of time to my depression.

im already grieving most of my teenage years and all the things i didnt get to do because i just sat in it n never let myself feel happy, bc it felt wrong to be happy if i was going through horrible things. i dont want that feeling to take over again and rob me of my #youngho years so i put off defeatist thoughts constantly.

still though, maybe there are times where sitting with my emotions no matter how negative would benefit me and help me fully understand then heal from them. its hard to strike that balance, to tell whether you’re stopping urself from sinking into a harmful cycle of thoughts or not allowing yourself to feel the very real and valid reactions to the stress n pain inflicted upon you

#reverie.txt #depression #emotional regulation

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i wish i wasnt expected to be strong and push through all the time because sometimes what i need is to be comforted and allowed to cry or feel emotional. i deserve to have my weak moments with all that i am dealing with

#reverie.txt #if only my emotions were taken more seriously

stellarwisteria

sometimes i wish nobody ever thought of me sexually. and sometimes i get repulsed whenever i realize / remember someone does. its quite annoying because i do want to enjoy a sexual relationship with someone eventually but my trauma always leads to me either being or feeling used for that. and i hate that i always feel like sexual affection is required from me for others

stellarwisteria

and another annoying this is when i express this it often gets reduced to me possibly being ace and not a very valid response to a lifetime of sexual trauma

#reverie.txt #i think asexuality and what i have going on are two very different things n i get a lil annoyed when they’re compared

sometimes i wish nobody ever thought of me sexually. and sometimes i get repulsed whenever i realize / remember someone does. its quite annoying because i do want to enjoy a sexual relationship with someone eventually but my trauma always leads to me either being or feeling used for that. and i hate that i always feel like sexual affection is required from me for others

#reverie.txt #my sex life never ends well for me

idk but i hate when others try to take on my emotions or make the way i feel about themselves. ive been noticing lately theres empathy and then theres mirroring the way i feel so that we’re both miserable, except only one of us is actually dealing with whatever triggered it. makes me feel weirdly alone bc now my emotions are detached from the real experiences behind them and turned into a shared mood instead of something im actively trying to survive.

#reverie.txt

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