Please, be constant.

How did I forget how music is so healing. Why just today I looked with warmth to the falling petals of the cherry blossom against the cold wind. Why do I only seem to believe in the bad. Because it is easier to despair. Much easier to hate or to rage rather than smile. That time spent in the bath reading is important. Changing the sheets and lighting the candle is important. Organisation makes me function better and think clearer but the mess is where the raw ideas are created. It is where creativity flourished. Maybe that’s why it’s good to have the bad. 

When I was in Art school everything seemed to be like a dream or nightmare. I now understand why it was an absolute failure. I had myopia and I didn’t wear glasses. I had social phobia and I didn’t go to therapy. I was reading a lot of Bukowski and Dostoevsky and all the owskisss. I was in a mist of aspiring artists with very peculiar personalities and idiosyncrasies. I was a late bloomer and didn’t know much about the world and people in it. I was poor and into red wine. I didn’t care who Greenberg was or whatever they were talking about him. All the students and their Art looked insane to me. I just wanted to capture nature and be in nature alone. I had no clue about my future, present or how much of a fool I was. I had my own world but I must have looked like a bore. I didn’t know what was worse commuting or commuting to an Art school. It was A, A for Art and A for Anxiety. But, I understand now, it all could have been as easy as Greenberg’s essays but I made it harde-sh.

How could I turn my back to the system. Regardless of what they say, my dear friend would shout ‘screw capitalism’, were we meant to be slaves?. I found myself in a parallel universe. There in the one of nature and detachment and also in the modern materialistic attachment to the daily routine, to the objects. I just wanted to be in peace even if that meant defeat to society. I just wanted quality time. Times like when I was a child. Those were the years of happiness and guess why? because time was endless. Today in the concrete jungle time is precious. They’ make time look like a precious diamond which you are not worth of having or you feel guilty when you actually do have it. I did not want to be a working machine I wanted to be a simple active human being. 

Trying to find Ikigai in my life. It may not be something big, I am starting small. I look forward to my cup of coffee even if I intended to quit coffee this year. It is a  pleasure, something that brings me a little joy so I decided it will do more harm to quit than to have it. It is time to try to observe the little things again and really value them. I still have so much things I want to do and experience. I want to visit Costa Rica and Peru and Japan. I really want to see mount Fuji and the sunrise and I want to read more even if it drives me crazy for a bit. I also wanted to get up early in the mornings which means I should go to sleep earlier. I’ve been having insomnia. I wish to get up earlier to see if it is really Mon the monand life changing but, then no because I am not a morning person. I am a night person, i like the night, i feel alive at night and no i don’t think its because i’ve be conditioned to it :/ 

Sometimes when the night comes and fills the corner of my room with dark spots I feel in my skin a non explainable chill. It takes hold of me for no longer than a second and it vanishes with the blink of my eyes. At night, I realize I am afraid of everything. At night, I realize nothing much matters. At night, I feel that I can conquer the world. At night, my soul smiles with multiples dreams in my head. At night, I am alive yet I am set to sleep. In the morning I am awaken and killed by the day.

when you try to be positive or at least neutral towards life but every thing makes you feel like you wanna cry. 

Just to think of all the houses and all the apartments in every single town. All the junk and objects each single one of them contains makes me fell very uneasy.

I dream that someday something will appear from the skies and reveal to us all the mysteries of the world.