training banter, the kind that made alessia's cheeks ache from smiling. shared recovery sessions in the gym where you would rest your fingers lightly above alessia's knee while explaining something about muscle tension and alessia would try and pretend she didn't feel her pulse jump at the touch.

bus rides where seats were picked on instinct, without conversation and you would sit just close enough so that your thighs were touching the entire journey.

warm and steady. a presence alessia didn't realised she relied on until it was there every day.

it was all harmless. well at least that's what she told herself it was.

but then things changed in small, quiet increment.

you started staying later after training just to talk to her. alessia started making an extra mug of tea without asking who it was for.

one night after a good win at home, when alessia was too exhausted to exist and too wired to sleep, you drove the two of you to her home without either of you talking about it.

the two of you falling onto the sofa shoulders touching, legs eventually crossing over one another like the two of had done it a thousand time.

and then it became that, nights shared on each others couches. blankets shared and a stupid film neither of you watched. comfort so easy it felt dangerous

alessia would drift in and out of sleep with her head against your ribs, breathing in the warmth of you as you would rub slow circles between her shoulder blades, absent minded, like you didn't even know you were doing it.

sometimes there were kisses. but you never rushed. never were careless.

they were the kind that start when laughter fades. when a joke turns into a look and a look turns into a breath caught in one's another's orbit. your lips would brush alessia's, resting almost, and alessia would kiss you back like it was the most natural thing in the world.

soft at first, lingering then deeper, when hands slid into hair or fingers curled into shirt hems. terrifying, not in the intensity, but in how right it felt.

but the two of you never talk about it. not once.

the two of you never ask what are we doing?

never said ‘do you feel this too?’

because saying it aloud would make it real. and that, the world real. real was dangerous.

especially for alessia.

because alessia has never said out loud what she knows about herself. what she has known, quietly, privately, tucked-away, for longer than anyone would guess.

you understand that without having to be told. you never pushed. you let alessia come to you. let alessia set the pace. let alessia call the silence safety and for that alessia was grateful.

but there are moments, always late, always quiet, when the word sits heavy at the back of her throat.

mine.

not because alessia owned you. but because she wants to be worthy of you. the two of you live in the space between things.

not together but not apart. not named but deeply, undeniably felt.

a line you both walked every day, carefully, quietly and beautifully without ever looking down to see how far you both might fall.

the canteen was loud, the team was loud. the laughter was easy, effortless in the way that comes from familiarity and routine. forks clattering against plates, glasses touch as chairs scrape the wooden floor.

alessia was sat with beth, steph, kyra and taylor. beth recounting her weekend up in manchester visiting viv. as the three listen intently, asking questions about the trip. alessia was listening but her attention was slightly faulted to something or rather someone who was sat across the room.

beth was now halfway though telling a story with her whole body. "i'm tellin' you- katie's face when the cone just hit her? i thought she was gonna start fightin' it.."

steph who had already been laughing for a full thirty seconds already, wiped her eyes. "it-it was just the sound it made. like someone slapped a fish."

kyra nearly choked on her drink, "oh- not the fish slap- please.."

alessia laughs - really laughs and for a moment she forgets to be careful as on instinct she's looking across the room. your sat on another table, chin propped on your hand smiling softly like you'd been watching her the entire time.

you were sat with lotte and katie reid, your legs were crossed, posture a little straighter as your hair was tied loosely at the nape of your neck. strands slipping out in a way alessia always had to fight the urge to tuck back.

you were listening to lotte speak, nodding, but every so often your eyes would flick up, looking at the blonde girl across the room.

but one second too long. one beat too soft. two people paying attention would notice.

alessia snaps her gaze back to her drink, cheeks warming so she turns to focus on her plate. pushing pasta around with her fork. pretending the ache low in her chest is hunger.

beth leans back in her chair, studying alessia with that perceptive, nosy older-sister gaze women like beth mead are born with.

but all she says is, "you okay less? you're quiet, like extra quiet."

alessia forces a small smile before humming, "yeah, just tired."

beth nudges her foot under the table, "well rest up cause i've had a brilliant matchmaking idea."

kyra groans, her fork hitting the side of her plate, "beth no."

beth puts her hand on her heart, a false hurt glare going towards kyra. "hey! i'm so good at this."

taylor who had been silently observing the whole ordeal almost chokes on her slice of bread, "you could not be worse-"

beth just shrugs them off ignoring them all, "less, just listen-" and alessia just smiles cause she loves them but her stomach drops like she already knows she won't like where this is going to go.

"so you know," beth starts so casually, "we actually met this guy last week—works in media. decent looking. well, decent enough."

steph nods like she's giving a court ruling. "yeah. acceptable."

"oh! the one with the hair!" kyra perks up once again, as beth nods, "the one who kept calling the press room a 'content creation hub'?"

beth snaps her fingers. "yes! bingo! him. he's called darren!"

taylor sighs as she takes a sip of her water. "he is insufferable, but he was staring at lessi like she was an angel that descended to do crossbar challenges."

kyra grins at alessia. "which, to be fair, you kinda are."

alessia's laugh is thin this time, her mind racing as she wasn't sure what to say. "yeah, well..."

beth leans in, propping her chin in her hand. "you should go on a date with him."

alessia freezes, just for a second, but beth catches it. "come on," beth nudges, tone light. "what's the harm? you deserve some fun. and you look like you could use a distraction."

a distraction. god, if only they knew. alessia's heart beats too fast, she could feel her palms becoming clammy. "i don't- i'm not really looking for—"

"doesn't have to be serious," taylor adds gently as she's pushed her empty plate to the middle of the table . "just... something nice."

your now laughing at something or rather lotte across the room and alessia feels the sound like gravity.

kyra bumps her shoulder taking her out of her small trance. "it's just dinner. if it sucks you fake an emergency. i'll call you crying. i can do tears. oscar award level."

steph nods knowingly. "now that is true. she cried at a cat-food commercial last week."

kyra lifts a hand. "the cat was lonely, steph."

beth reaches over and squeezes alessia's arm not forceful, but warm. familar. coming from care, not pressure. "we just want you to be happy, less."

and that part is true. so painfully true which makes it worse. because alessia is happy. just in a way she hasn't had the courage to say out loud.

her throat tightens, but she forces the smile. the bright, convincing one.

"yeah," alessia hears herself say before she even had time to think. "maybe. i'll erm think about it." she rushes out afterwards.

kyra cheers a little as beth beams. steph claps as taylor looks smug.

across the canteen, your chair shifts and you don't look over this time. and alessia can feel the distance already forming even while your still in the same room.

the next day it happens slowly, intentionally. you still greet her in the morning. still laugh when someone makes a silly joke. still play hard, sharp and ruthless on the pitch.

but training ends in a blur of cold air and red cheeks, the kind of winter session that leaves everyone buzzing. players scatter back towards the building ready for an afternoon full of meetings, laughing, groaning and arguing about who fouled who.

you and alessia fell into step naturally, just like you always do.

you nudged her with your elbow, a soft grin curving your mouth. "you were hoarding the spotlight today."

alessia just scoffs, leaning slightly into you, "i scored twice."

"you stole my goal." you countered quickly, your boots starting to hit the gravel of the path, "right off my boot."

"shouldn't of hesitated," alessia fires back, but she's smiling. a real one, the kind she doesn't realise is on her face until you give her that look. the warm but teasing and a little too fond look.

you bump your shoulder against hers agin, "next time, i'm tripping you up."

"you already do," alessia says, and you laugh, low and delighted. it feels easy, comfortable and normal again.

you watch her for a moment eyes soft, curious like you can feel alessia's tension and that there’s something, you just couldn’t pinpoint it, simmering under the surface with each click of both of your boots against the gravel.

"your a little quiet today," you murmurs. "i'm fine," alessia lies, a little too quickly.

you raise a brow, unconvinced but gentle. "you don't have to tell me. just... don't disappear on me."

alessia's throat tightens. she opens her mouth maybe to promise something she's not brave enough to name.

but then: "LESS! LESS!"

beth comes crashing toward them like a golden retriever in human form. her ponytail bouncing, trainers dangling from their laces and absolutely no awareness of timing or subtlety.

alessia feels her blood turn to ice, instantly. you turn too, amused as always at beth's enthusiasm. "beth- you're gonna trip.."

"you're all set for friday, lessi!" beth announces tapping alessia on the shoulder. beaming wide as she slowed to match yours and alessia's speed. "i texted him back, told him you're excited. rooftop bar is booked!"

alessia goes rigid, stiff. you go completely still beside her hoping the small drop of your face was not that noticeable to some.

beth keeps going, totally oblivious. "told ya, i'd sort you out less. he's cute, single and he's- oh my god is steph seriously holding my coffee? no, no, no. she's gonna drink it. i can feel it—"

and just like she arrived, beth takes off bouncing towards steph, shouting something dramatic that had steph almost in stitches and leaving you and alessia in an echo of the truth.

you blinked once. twice. a tiny, stunned breath leaving your lips. not angry. not dramatic. just... quietly unraveling.

"oh," you say quietly, almost a squeak. "you have a date."

"y/n-" alessia steps forward instantly, panic clawing up her chest. "i swear, i didn't- beth just.. well she- i-"

"it's okay." you smiled, it wasn't okay. it wasn't a real smile. it was one you often used for cameras. for time when you needed to pretend everything was fine. as you felt as though everything inside had just shattered and your eyes were getting a little bit more foggier by the second.

alessia hated it.

"you don't owe me anything," you say, voice steady but too gentle. the kind of gentle that means you're trying not to break. "i'm glad um someone... makes you excited."

your eyes flick down, just once. it's barely visible. but alessia feels it like a punch. "y/n, that's not. please... just let me talk-"

your jaw tightens for half a second before you smooth it away. "it's fine, less. really."

you adjusts your boots in your hand, nodding once, polite. "have a good friday night.. i guess." then you turns and start walking quick, purposeful steps. like if you slow down, everything your holding together will spill out onto the pavement.

"y/n..." alessia calls, voice cracking. you doesn't stop. "y/n, please.. just wait—" but your already gone. and the space you leave behind is too big, too cold, and entirely alessia's fault.

you keep walking down the corridor, boot bag bumping against your hip, shoulders stiff in a way alessia has never seen on you before.

normally you would walk like you owned the hallway. loose, relaxed, half-turned toward alessia as if drawn by some quiet magnetic pull.

not now. now you walks like your choosing every step, like each one costs you something.

"y/n!" alessia tries again, louder, feet already moving. you don't turn. not even a pause and alessia can't breathe, can't think properly. can't do anything except follow.

alessia catches up halfway to the locker rooms, fingers brushing you arm on instinct. "y/n—please."

you stop. but you don't look at her. you can't. you just stand there, staring at the floor, jaw tight, throat working like your trying to swallow down words that won't stay down.

"can we.. can you just look at me?" alessia voice cracks as she's plying with the rings on her fingers as if they are going to give her the answer to solve all her problems.

and slowly, painfully, you lifts your eyes and it destroys you just that little bit more inside.

your eyes are soft in a way alessia has never seen in public. betrayed. confused. a little humiliated. and under all of it: hurt.

a deep type hurt.

"was any of it real?" you asks quietly.

alessia's breath stutters. "don't.. no, don't say that. of course it was."

you cut in, voice steady but thinning. "because you seemed very comfortable letting them think you're straight. comfortable enough to go on dates set up by your teammates while i.."

your voice breaks for half a second. it's the softest, smallest sound. alessia feels it like a punch to the ribs.

you recover quickly. too quickly. "while i'm stood next to you like an idiot-, thinking i... thinking we..." you shake your head, laughing once in disbelief, a bitter, quiet sound that doesn't suit you at all.

"i thought we were building something," you say. "i thought... god, i don't even know what i thought anymore."

"you were right," alessia blurts out quickly making your brow quirk upwards slightly. "we were. we are. y/n, please—just let me explain."

"explain what?" you whispers. "that you're ashamed of me?"

alessia flinches like she's been hit. "no. no—y/n, never. i'm just—" alessia's throat closes. "i'm scared."

you watch her, tired and wounded. "you're not the only one who's scared."

"then why are you walking away?"

"because you didn't choose me," you says softly. "not out there. not when it matters." a beat. a long, aching beat. "i can't keep being your almost," you finish.

you step back and alessia panics. fully. messily.

"y/n, please,, please don't do this. just give me a second to talk..."

"not now," you say, shaking your head. "i can't... less, i can't listen to you apologise for something you're just going to do again."

you turn before alessia has a chance to respond. this time when you walk away, you don't look back once. the sound of your footsteps echo down the hall: fading, fading, and then gone.

alessia stands there with her heart hammering, breath shaking, hands useless at her sides. and she knows this is more than likely the end and alessia has no idea how to stop it.

⸻

it had been a few days since the whole incident with the date and you still were hurting.

but you still greeted alessia with a small smile in the mornings. still laughed when someone made a silly joke. still looked over at alessia when you thought she wasn't paying attention.

nothing dramatic. nothing obvious.

but you didn’t sit next to alessia in a meeting anymore. you tape your ankles on the opposite side of the physio room. you moved a locker two rows down where alessia can't accidentally brush her arm against yours anymore.

your replies shrink. short messages. then half replies. then silence.

alessia feels every inch of distance like a bruise she keeps pressing.

it's her fault. she knows that. her chest has been tight for days like she swallowed something sharp and never got it back out.

the worst part is how normal everything looks from the outside. how no one else notices a thing.

alessia had spent the entire day trying to think of some sort of excuse as to why she couldn't go on the date with.. danny? or was it devon? well, what ever his name was alessia wasn't interested.

but every excuse alessia thought of she knew beth would just laugh at and give her a pep talk as she's walking alessia out the door.

alessia was still deep in thought when she hears the knock before she sees the message.

just one sharp rap on the door. too decisive to be beth, too controlled to be kyra, too early for any food delivery she forgot she ordered.

for a second, she actually thinks about not answering. she'd been curled on her sofa for an hour, pacing between panic and denial about the date she doesn't even want.

but then something in her chest flickers. alessia knows that knock. alessia knows that calm. she opens the door.

your stood there, hands deep in the pockets of your coat, hair damp from the rain, shoulders tense like you'd had to force yourself up the steps.

alessia's breath leaves her. "y/n?" you don't smile. not even the polite one you'd been giving her all week.

"can i come in?" you ask softly.

alessia steps aside instantly. "yeah. of course. yeah."

you walk in slowly, eyes scanning the room like your trying to memorise it or avoid it, alessia can't tell exactly which.

you don't sit. alessia's stomach tightens,, again. "is everything..."

"we need to talk," you say, the words are too steady. rehearsed. final. alessia's throat closes.

you exhale, carefully hanging your coat on the back of a chair despite your hands trembling. "i didn't want to do this at training. or in the car park. or anywhere someone could see."

your voice strains just slightly on the word see. alessia swallows hard. "y/n, please don't—"

"no, i have to." you cut her off gently. not harsh. but in that way that means you'll fall apart if you don't get it out quickly.

alessia steps closer anyway. "can we just... talk about what happened? beth didn't mean anything by it and i.. i didn't agree to the date, i panicked.."

you laughed under your breath, but the sound breaks halfway through. "i know. i know you panicked. i know you didn't ask her to set you up."

you finally look at alessia and she is just wishing you hadn't. because your eyes are full, hurt and tired and something like goodbye.

"lessi," you say, voice softening painfully. "it's the panic that scares me."

alessia's chest caves in quicker than a mountain can fall. "y/ n—"

"you looked terrified," you whisper. "like being associated with me would burn your whole life down."

"no, that's not true."

"then why won't you let anyone know what we- what this is?" your voice cracks on this, and alessia steps towards you, desperate.

"cause i'm scared," alessia says, hands shaking. "not of you..never of you. just of everything else, of everyone else, of saying it out loud before i can breathe through it—"

you shake your head, smiling sadly. "i get it. i do. i shouldn't have expected you to be ready."

"y/n, i'm trying—"

"i can see that," you say. "but i can't keep waiting in the dark like some dirty little secret while you pretend nothing's happening in the light."

the words land like a punch. alessia actually staggers, the wall behind her catching her lightly.

you look down at your hands. "i came here to say we should stop."

"stop?" alessia whispers.

"whatever we're doing- this. the... late nights. the touching. the almosts." your voice shakes. "it's killing me, less. it's actually killing me."

alessia steps forward again until your both almost touching. "y/n, please. don't do this."

you squeeze your eyes shut. "i can't be your secret anymore."

"you're not—" alessia starts, but the lie dies in her mouth.

you opens your eyes and they're wet. "that date tonight?" you say. "maybe you should go. maybe you'll like him."

"i don't want him," alessia says instantly, fiercely, louder than she meant to. you look heartbroken at that. because it's the truth you've needed and the truth that hurts the most.

"then what do you want, alessia?" you whispers. alessia tries to speak. but the words choke. every fear, every what-if, every love she's never been brave enough to name.

you nod like you expected it. like the silence was the answer all along. "yep," you say softly. "that's what i thought." you turns toward the door. and something in alessia snaps.

she grabs your wrist. "don't go. please."

your breath catches, barely audible, but she doesn't turn back.

"y/n," alessia pleads, voice shaking. "i'm not choosing him. i never was. i—"

"what?" you whisper, finally looking over your shoulder. "say it."

but alessia still can't say the word. your face crumples — the smallest, softest crumble and you gently pull your hand free.

"i can't do this anymore," you say, voice breaking. "i can't keep loving you in places you refuse to exist."

you open the door. the cold night air rushes in. alessia panics. again. not thinking, not planning. just moving.

she steps forward, grabs your jacket, and pulls you back inside, closing the door with her foot as her mouth finds yours in a desperate, crashing kiss.

you gasps against her lips. shock melting into want, want melting into the familiar ache between the two of you.

your hands tangle in alessia's hair, pulling her closer, kissing her back like you'd been starving for weeks.

alessia whispers into your mouth, breathless, frantic, "don't leave. please don't leave me."

you pressed your forehead to hers, eyes closed. "lessi..."

but the two of you are still kissing, deep, messy, heartbroken kisses, when the front door swings open behind them and someone yells:

"lessi lessi! we brought outfits for—"

beth.

steph.

taylor.

kyra.

all frozen in the doorway. all 100% staring with their jaws on the floor. you and alessia break apart slowly still half pressed together as the silence explodes into the room.

beth's jaw drops. "WAIT WHAT—WHAT—WHAT—"

steph covers her mouth. kyra blinks like her brain has blue-screened. taylor whispers, "holy shit."

you goes bright red. alessia wants the ground to swallow her whole. but her hand is still gripping your shirt and you... you don't pull away.

the awkwardness and silence doesn’t last long as beth is the first to recover, because of course she is. her eyes flick between the two of you. your hands still tangled in each others clothes as alessia’s forehead rests against yours like she had forgotten the rest of the world exists.

“oh,” beth says faintly. then louder, “OH.”

steph clears her throat, very deliberately looking at the ceiling. “right. okay. so. we’re… early.”

taylor is already backing toward the door, palms up. “we can leave. we should leave. this feels like a leave situation.”

kyra nods rapidly. “yep. definitely leaving. immediately. no questions. none at all.” as her hands come up to cover her eyes as she turns almost walking into the wall behind in doing so.

beth looks torn. curiosity warring with common sense before steph physically steers her back by the shoulders.

“we’ll,” steph says, pausing at the doorway, eyes soft despite the shock, “uh… text.”

the door shuts behind them in a flurry of muffled voices and frantic whispers. and then it’s quiet again.

real quiet.

alessia exhales, a shaky laugh slipping out of her as she drops her forehead properly against your shoulder. “i think,” she murmurs, voice small and overwhelmed, “my life just imploded.”

you don’t answer with words.

you answer by tightening your arms around her, grounding her, holding her like she’s something precious and fragile and entirely yours. she melts into you instantly, like she’s been waiting for permission to stop holding herself together.

her fingers curl into the back of your shirt. “don’t go,” she whispers, barely audible.

“i’m not going anywhere” you say, just as quietly.

she pulls back just enough to look at you really look at you, eyes glossy, lashes clumped with emotion, mouth still swollen from kissing you like she was afraid you’d disappear if she stopped.

and then she leans in again. this time it’s slower. softer.

like she’s learning the shape of this moment, committing it to memory. your noses brush. her hand comes up to cup your jaw, thumb warm against your cheek, and the kiss she presses to your mouth is gentle but certain.

no fear in it. no hiding. just choice.

she sighs into you, relief and affection and something that feels an awful lot like coming home, and you stay there wrapped around each other in the middle of her living room stealing quiet kisses, foreheads touching, breathing each other in.