double trailblazer/mc of honkai: star rail
headcanon-based, may diverge from canon.
awakened by ACE (21+, they/them/she/her).
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personal blogs and minors DNI.
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{ so itβs been a minute. promise this blog ainβt dead. iβve been working on catching up on the year of h.sr backlog i have, in between prepping for a new job. }
{ trust, weβre getting back in the cockpit soon. }
"Not just me," Jing Yuan inclines his head, voice still soft. "This courtyard had served as training grounds for my master, and I assume hers before her. General Teng Xiao before me also used this courtyard as well. It is as much a sacred place as any other may be on the Luofu."
As the words pass between them, he turns to observe the Trailblazer before him. Tension remains in his back, in the way he sits. Jing Yuan drifts closer, footsteps quieter than a ghost. Sei would hear the general's voice behind him, chiding lacing the amusement of his tone. "Your mind is not empty enough. Waiting for something to react to is not meditation. You brim with energy; it is easy to read. Focus on your breathing -- but not too hard. Just enough to acknowledge how the air flows into your lungs... and out."
Jing Yuan eventually moves again, sitting opposite to the Nameless. There he remains, watching over Sei's progress. The minutes of silence stretch on once more before he speaks again. "Do you know why I am asking this of you, Sei?"
Notβ¦ not enough? How does he know? And when did he get so closeβ?
β¦heβs right, though, Sei thinks- or, at least, what the general is saying makes sense to him. He is waiting- pulled back like the string on a bow, tension silently building as he waits for something to happen; a signal, an impetus to let fly, some reason to let go.
He needs to be loose- to be let slack, to exist solely in the moment and not be waiting for something.
Letβs try this again, then?
The trailblazer relaxes his posture, and does as advised- he breathes.
Donβtβ¦ donβt focus too hard?
Perplexed, he tries still- in through his nose, out through his mouth. He breathes as natural- not too deep, not too shallow, but just as his lungs demand of him in the moment. His chest expands slightly with each inhale and shrinks slightly with each exhale- and so he allows the cycle to continue.
Jing Yuanβs voice, now in front of him, calls his attention back into focus. Why is he making him do this? Was it not his own request, for the general to teach him how to remain calm in the heat of battle, and in the most harrowing of situations? Sure, a correct answer would be βbecause I asked you to,β but what was the principle behind it all?
ββ¦itβs a grounding exercise,β Sei posits. βIf you focus on your breathing and let other thoughts pass byβ¦ you keep your heart rate calm, and your head clear, so that you donβt miss obvious things that could save you.β
Though Jing Yuan was fairly used to seeing the tops of heads, the way Sei bows had him all but blinking in surprise. His stunned silence lasted but only a moment before a sudden peal of laughter erupted from him.
"Oh, goodness-- I don't mean to laugh," the general apologized hastily, waving a hand in a gesture for Sei to sit up. "Please don't treat me with such formalities, Sei, I've told you once before. We are friends. I offered you my instruction; naturally, I will do my best to assist you in this manner."
He reached out to poke Sei's forehead, gentle as ever. "The first step would be to ease that furrow between your brows," he teased. That warm, golden eye blinked at him, growing somber, stern. "If your face is easy to read, it is all the easier for enemies to pry into your weaknesses. You must master the art of concealment.
"Come with me," he stood suddenly, folding his hands behind his back. "I wish to take you somewhere."
Jing Yuan guided Sei out of the Seat of Divine Foresight along a winding path behind the Exalting Sanctum, surrounded by gingko trees and glowing grasses. They came across a courtyard, the stone floor weathered and cracked; smoother in some places as if worn and polished down by years upon years of practiced footwork, distinct enough for Sei to be able to almost visualize every step.
The first thing he'd notice would be the silence. Not even the wind stirred loud enough to rustle the leaves of the nearby gingko, towering far above any other in the vicinity.
"It is quiet here," Jing Yuan began softly, hands folded behind his back. His voice was heavy with something, a reverence that seemed to cling to every strewn leaf that littered the stone beneath his feet. "Sit down, Sei. Anywhere you'd like." He wasn't facing the Trailblazer at all.
"Close your eyes, and breathe. Let the silence carry your thoughts."
He takes no offense to the general's laughter- there is surprise; perplexion, maybe, and a slight sting of embarrassment. He can afford to loosen up around the general, can't he? They fought Phantylia together, surely that's enough rapport for Sei to act like they were friends and not just colleagues.
("Fought Phantylia together" sounded better than "Sei repeatedly got knocked on his ass praying to whatever higher power existed that his shield would protect his friends, while Jing Yuan and Dan Heng's new form dealt most of the damage.")
He blinks-- the tips of his index and middle finger rub furiously into the space between his eyebrows, as if trying to massage out the inquisitive wrinkle between them. Got it-- unreadable. Stoic. Firm.
The path behind the sanctum led to an area he hadn't seen before; his eyes quickly scan the unevenly-worn stone. His ears pick up--- nothing. Nothing, save for the general's words and the faint humming reverberating through his bones. Was it always this quiet here? Was it always so... peaceful?
"Is this... where you train?" Sei wonders aloud, selecting a place to park himself where the stone was worn smooth, somewhere off to the general's right.
Where he... trained, once, too, surely. Where once, his Master put him through drills and forms and movements to hone his skill to where it is now...
Pretzel-legged, Sei straightens his spine, takes a deep breath, and closes his eyes.
Let the silence carry your thoughts.
He tries- his best, really- to let every thought pass, like a cloud in the sky. To not linger on any word, or image, for longer than an instant... To let his mind wander in peace, to cycle through his thoughts and let them fade away, with the same ease as his lungs breathing air.
There is emptiness, in time- a pregnant pause, as if waiting for something to be said. As though his mind were waiting with bated breath, not simply empty but brimming with silent anticipation.
If the general had left him there, he would simply have no way of knowing unless he opened his eyes.
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{ heya~! been a hot minute since iβve done anything here. real life has been real lifeing a lot lately, but iβm so far from done here. please wait warmly~! }
[You know it's a good day when you start theorycrafting about your own headcanons.]
[This blog has established a few things that, until further notice, are canon to these T.railblaze.rs' histories. First, their struggles with their own senses of self are personified in the persons they sometimes see in the mirror- a reflection with a deep, black void where their faces ought to be.]
[Second, before waking up at the Space Station, Sei and Kyu were different individuals in Ca.elus and St.elle respectively. They, too, struggled with sense of self, and tried to compensate by making as big a name they could for themselves by accruing skills and talents, hoping that they could find an identity in things they were really good at, in things they could offer the universe.]
[The chasm- has the T.railblaze.r always seen it in the mirror? Did it start with Sei and Kyu, or did it haunt Ca.elus and St.elle, too?]
[And if it started after the memory wipe, which the T.railblaze.r consented to-- could the chasm be their remnant in their post-mindwipe self's psyche?]
[I think that could make for a delightfully ironic dynamic- Ca.elus, taunting and berating Sei for not knowing who he is, while he himself tried and failed to fill the chasm inside of him, to cultivate a sense of identity. He's been transfigured into a reminder of what it is he could never have- yet his new self found a way to fill it.]
[Third- this blog's T.railblaze.r ceases to see the chasm on a regular basis, after at last being able to acknowledge the impact they had on others as proof that they exist. Is this the previous T.railblaze.r gaining that sense of self along with their new self?]
[Perhaps in saving others, the T.railblaze.r finally managed to save the person they once were.]
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Before Sei, there was Caelus-- the Stellaron Hunter.
"You once followed Kafka, didn't you? There was a time she was on a mission-- you were next to her. I remember. I've yet to see anyone follow her for as long as you did... and live to tell the tale."
Before the inquisitive, thoughtful, wide-eyed Trailblazer, there was a young man who yearned for the simple pleasures in life. Long before the boy with a chasm for a face and a void where his heart ought to be, there was a boy with a hollowness that needed to be filled- a desire most desperate to smile, to weep, to mourn, to dream; to feel.
If all the world was a stage, and he and everyone in it were merely actors, the boy named Caelus sought to play his part with as much extravagance and as much passion as he could muster. He sought to live in a way that would make his heart race, that would drip sweat down his brow and send the stench of adrenaline and of cortisol surging through his veins- to live the life he had to the fullest.
The boy would beg, steal, borrow, barter his way into learning anything he so desired- education, combat, sociability, every side to the die known as life. He made a presence of himself wherever he went, unflinchingly and unapologetically, decidedly proud to make friends and decidedly prouder still to make enemies. Surely, those were the signs of a life well lived, of a role well played- the crowd can cheer for you. The crowd can boo you down. It mattered not, as long as the crowd was not silent.
Yet, for as much of a young menace that Caelus made of himself, his heart remained steady. His brow remained dry. The surge of stress and of adrenaline did not come, no matter how much he forced his body to move, to rush recklessly into every opportunity he could to live life to the fullest. All of it, damn it all- for nothing.
All he felt was an emptiness- an absence of joy, of sorrow, of grief.
An absence, pointedly, of fear.
That absence would make him a fine Stellaron Hunter- the lack of fear of consequences, pain, danger, perhaps to the point of foolishness- a good soldier who would follow orders without question.
Precisely what a scriptwriter would demand of a good actor.
In the end, was that not his destiny, from birth? To serve the Hunters' demands, to serve the preordained purpose Elio had given him?
Perhaps Caelus elected to be part of the plan that would see his memories wiped, his heart excised, and a Stellaron lodged in his chest cavity.
What would it matter, right? All part of the script, right?
Or perhaps there was more to it- perhaps he saw a way out of the constant emptiness plaguing him. Perhaps he saw a means to be made free of the nothingness in his heart, by starting anew.
One thing is for sure- whether Sei is in on it or not, Caelus made a choice.
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Anya is LIVE right now
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Before Sei, there was Caelus-- the Stellaron Hunter.
"You once followed Kafka, didn't you? There was a time she was on a mission-- you were next to her. I remember. I've yet to see anyone follow her for as long as you did... and live to tell the tale."
Before the inquisitive, thoughtful, wide-eyed Trailblazer, there was a young man who yearned for the simple pleasures in life. Long before the boy with a chasm for a face and a void where his heart ought to be, there was a boy with a hollowness that needed to be filled- a desire most desperate to smile, to weep, to mourn, to dream; to feel.
If all the world was a stage, and he and everyone in it were merely actors, the boy named Caelus sought to play his part with as much extravagance and as much passion as he could muster. He sought to live in a way that would make his heart race, that would drip sweat down his brow and send the stench of adrenaline and of cortisol surging through his veins- to live the life he had to the fullest.
The boy would beg, steal, borrow, barter his way into learning anything he so desired- education, combat, sociability, every side to the die known as life. He made a presence of himself wherever he went, unflinchingly and unapologetically, decidedly proud to make friends and decidedly prouder still to make enemies. Surely, those were the signs of a life well lived, of a role well played- the crowd can cheer for you. The crowd can boo you down. It mattered not, as long as the crowd was not silent.
Yet, for as much of a young menace that Caelus made of himself, his heart remained steady. His brow remained dry. The surge of stress and of adrenaline did not come, no matter how much he forced his body to move, to rush recklessly into every opportunity he could to live life to the fullest. All of it, damn it all- for nothing.
All he felt was an emptiness- an absence of joy, of sorrow, of grief.
An absence, pointedly, of fear.
That absence would make him a fine Stellaron Hunter- the lack of fear of consequences, pain, danger, perhaps to the point of foolishness- a good soldier who would follow orders without question.
Precisely what a scriptwriter would demand of a good actor.
In the end, was that not his destiny, from birth? To serve the Hunters' demands, to serve the preordained purpose Elio had given him?
Perhaps Caelus elected to be part of the plan that would see his memories wiped, his heart excised, and a Stellaron lodged in his chest cavity.
What would it matter, right? All part of the script, right?
Or perhaps there was more to it- perhaps he saw a way out of the constant emptiness plaguing him. Perhaps he saw a means to be made free of the nothingness in his heart, by starting anew.
One thing is for sure- whether Sei is in on it or not, Caelus made a choice.
{ hc that sei and kyu are the names the trailblazers adopted after waking up on the space station, and that caelus and stelle are the names they were given by the stellaron hunters before their memories were wiped. }