unsunned:
‘ what - ’ she blinks, as if blinded by light or splashed in the face with water. his words veer off in an unexpected direction & sachiko flounders to keep up, to understand. ‘ no, i get why, that isn’t what i’m saying. i never asked why. not once. ’
is he not listening ? or does he just expect the worst of her ?
‘ i’m asking how - how do we get to that point ? because, no kaname, you’re not working with me. working with me would be letting me know how we would work towards us eventually living together. how we, or you, or you & haru, take the steps required to you both being okay with that - ’
she doesn’t mean for her voice to sound quite so strained but exasperation clings to every word, running a hand through her hair in a vain attempt to collect herself she turns away from him to begin pacing. ‘ every time i ask you give some vague response & nothing more & i am meant to be okay with that ? it feels after years of trying to be mindful of your needs, you’re not listening to me when i tell you what i need. i’m not even asking for immediate action, but a plan. ’ she’d never been able to operate without one. never. she can be patient, she can wait, she can understand but so long as she knows steps are being taken towards reaching their goal then - her heart can rest easy.
but she’s blind, hands bound, tongue tied - until
ripping the hand from her hair she turns to look at him, face desperate for him to understand. ‘ of course i understand. how dare you - i thought you’d understand ? what kind of backwards guilt tripping, gas-lighting bullshit is that, kaname ?! that isn’t working with me, that isn’t listening. ’
RED BLEEDS WITH GOLD . and it bleeds with gold . and it swirls and it stains / and it bleeds . bleeds until he can taste the citric , burning taste on his tongue .
he doesn’t react - not physically , to her response . but inwardly his stomach churns . the wrong thing said . the wrong thing said . always the wrong thing said . not listening ? he had . he had listened . to every word . it’s etched in his brain , her colors . searing hot . he couldn’t avoid them if he tried . so why did she think he wasn’t listening ? because his words were unexpected / because it’s not what she hoped ?
not what she wanted ?
THE COLORS OF EXASPERATION ARE DRYING . they make kan’s tongue curl with sour distaste . his nerves feel raw , and red . he feels on edge / heightened - with blood pulsing , rate quickening . he wants it to turn off . this feeling . shut it off .
there are a million words he wants to say to cut her down , and cut this down . to build up prison walls . wired and electric and barbed . it’s on the tip of his tongue to spew acid . with the irritation gnawing at his mind . how could she accuse him of gas lighting when he was ANSWERING her question and STATING where he was coming from .
he grits his teeth , shuts his eyes tight . forces the poison down . let’s the anger simmer . because it would be pointless , and useless , to let anger control him . but he doesn’t know how else to say it .
“ i never meant to gas light you , “ comes out quiet , hoarse . raw red and he thinks carefully what to say but it’s , frustrating . “ i know you’ve been patient with me. i know my answers have been vague and unsatisfactory. i didn’t know you were looking for a game plan. i want to work with you , we can make plans , but i don’t know what good that will do when i , at this moment , cannot come up with a way to contribute towards our end goal because every time i come back to this idea of living with you i can’t figure out what i need to happen so i can feel comfortable leaving haru-nii . ”
he knows haru is an adult . he knows rationally that moving out is not the end of the world . that him and haru have fought tooth and nail to stay together and that the fight would never end - they’d do it again to find time to be with one another . he knows and he knows but somehow he still can’t bring himself to leave the world they created out of survival .
“ i’m sorry , ” he tries again . “ i do want to work with you . i’m just , at a loss . and i know . that sounds lame but , i am . ”
