phia

Month of May so far, it’s my eighteen birthday. Feeling really anxious, feeling really loved, it’s scary- not being older. But just knowing that time passes me by too fast to catch up. I wish I was a different, I’ve changed but not the good kind. I know it’s not black and white but damn do I wish I was good. It’s so weird sharing a birthday with a twin. Like you want it to be so good for them, “the bestest birthday” but what about yourself, when you’re feeling so down. But I know it in my heart that she feels it too, the scaries. When we were kids my oldest brother would always ask us if we had a secret language. We always said no, we wished, once even I tried to teach Sara Pig Latin just so we could tell him we did. She didn’t pick it up as quickly and neither did I really, we gave up on that secret language after a day. As I think of it now, we have always had a language but it isn’t vocally spoken. I know it in my soul when she’s uncomfortable by someone or something , she knows what clothes I shop for, I know it when she finds something funny before even laughing, she knows of the books and movies I could love the most, I know how fondly she thinks of her childhood, she knows how much I miss being little girls together. We never have to speak of it and yet we just know. Knowing someone is the real secret language of the world. I hope more people know of.