Second to the Left

anyway i go in to see paul one week in the summer of 2016, and i’m doing my usual bullshit which consists of me talking shit about myself, and paul is staring at me, and then he cuts me off and says that he’s got a new tool for helping people recognize when they’re using negative language, and gets up and goes over to his desk

and i’m like alright hit me with that sweet sweet self-help article my man, because i’m a linguistic learner and whenever paul’s like here i have a tool for you to use it’s pretty much always an article or a book or something

paul opens a drawer, takes something out, and turns back around. i stare.

i say, paul.

is that a nerf gun.

yeah, says paul.

i say, are you gonna shoot me with a nerf gun in this professional setting.

he happily informs me that that’s really up to me, isn’t it. and sits back down. and gestures, like, go ahead, what were you saying?

and i squint suspiciously and start back up about how i’m having too much anxiety to leave the house to run errands, like it was a miracle to even get here, like i’ve forgone getting groceries for the past week and that’s so stupid, what a stupid issue, i’m an idiot, how could i–

a foam dart hits me in the leg.

i go, hey! because my therapist just shot me in the leg. paul blinks at me placidly and raises an eyebrow. i squint again.

i say, slowly, it’s– not a stupid issue, i’m not stupid, but it’s frustrating me and i don’t want it to be a problem i’m having.

no dart this time. okay. sweet.

so the rest of the hour passes with me intermittently getting nailed with tiny foam darts and then swearing and then fixing my language and, wouldn’t you know it, i start liking myself a little more by the end of the session, which is mildly infuriating because paul can tell and he’s very smug about it 

Dude: OK, guys, let’s assign the disasters. Hum, tsunami. Who wants the tsunami?

2004: Yeah, I’ll have the tsunami.

Dude: OK, 2004 has the tsunami. 2012, do you still want the asteroid?

2012: Nah, no need.

Dude: Cool, let’s schedule that for 2030. OK, 2020, I have-

2020: FIRES.

Dude: OK, we can do fires, no problem-

2020: NUCLEAR TENSION.

Dude: Fires and… nuclear tension?

2020: PANDEMIC.

Dude: 2020, you can’t just- just have EVERYTHING-

2020: KOBE BRYANT DIES IN A HELICOPTER ACCIDENT.

1986: Wh-who’s Kobe Bryant?

1347: Heli-what?

Dude: So, you’re asking for fires, nuclear tension, a pandemic AND the death of basketball legend in your year!?

2020: TILL MARCH.

Dude: C’mon. Guys, help me with this.

1986: I would say something, but… CHERNOBYL! Oops, am I right?

2014: At least you still have the twin towers.

2000: Wait, what do you mean?

1347: I agree that 2020 is pushing it-

1945: YOU’RE LITERALLY- You’re the high point of the Bubonic plague!

1347: Oh, much apologies, Sir TWO ATONIC BOMBS!

1945: It’s ATOMIC, you f*ing medieval-

1347: Who are you calling medieval, G.I. Joe. Go play with your-

1945: Here we go again-

2000: Now, seriously, what-

1: Y’all want BREAD?!

the Titan submersible was June 2023

-he looked straight up dead when he turned 100 and voted early cos he was straight up dead and now he's actually dead dead

look at him swagged out in nothing but yellow booties to protect him this man knows his nuclear reactors and he doesn't gaf about this supposed dangerous radiation the only thing dangerous here is the mud which might dirty his shoes

--personally brokered multiple peace agreements as a mediator between other countries--basically he was the guy who kept things calm and civil so stuff could get signed, both during and after his presidency. This included the Camp David Accords, widely considered the most important peace document in the Middle East

--not actually a very good president BECAUSE HE WAS TOO HONEST

--was a peanut farmer and got a ton of flak for it because "lol poor peanut farmer" but it was his family's farm and he was genuinely proud, not ashamed, of his work

--Married to his wife Rosalynn for 77 years and they were so deeply in love that when she died I said "he won't last a year now" and I was right, they were really two halves of one very incredible whole

--worked for Habitat for Humanity after his presidency, and not as an admin, either; there are lots of people out there who can say Jimmy Carter helped build their house

--he and Rosalynn fought for DECADES to eradicate Guinea worm, which is an extremely painful and disabling parasite, AND THEY ALL BUT SUCCEEDED. When they began their work in 1986 in tandem with the WHO, over three and a half million people were infected every year. In 2023 there were twelve. To be clear: not twelve million, not twelve thousand, not twelve hundred. TWELVE. One-two with no zeroes after it. As of today, his death date, the 2024 case count is seven. One digit. If we can hit zero in 2025 and 2026 it will be only the second disease in all of human history to be eradicated completely by humans (the first was smallpox)

--there is increasing evidence that he actually did solve the Iran hostage crisis and Reagan bribed the Iranian government to not release the hostages until after the election in order to make Carter look weak and boost his own chances

--left the Baptist church because while he considered himself a devout Christian he absolutely could not abide their views re: women, and said women should be full equals with men

--established the Department of Education

And finally:

--during his reelection campaign, he met my uncle. My uncle is mentally disabled. Carter was visiting his workplace. My uncle biked right past the Secret Service, which they took about as well as you'd expect, held out a hand, and said "hello, Mr. Carter, my name is David Lastname and I sure am glad to meet you." Carter would have been perfectly within his rights to have my uncle arrested as a security risk, and in 1980 basically nobody would have come to my uncle's defense. Instead he waved off the Secret Service, shook my uncle's hand, and said "hello, Mr. Lastname, my name is Jimmy Carter and I sure am glad to meet you." I don't know if he intuited that mirroring is one way we help my uncle to understand stuff or if it was a natural habit of his, and I don't care. What I care about is that more than a decade before the ACA he made a conscious decision to take the time to treat a mentally-disabled man with courtesy, kindness, and dignity, with no idea whether that man could even vote.

Jimmy Carter was not a great president, but he was a great man. There's a saying in Christian circles that if you have lived well G-d will greet you at the gates of heaven with "well done, thou good and faithful servant," and let me tell you, if heaven exists but that isn't standard procedure then G-d damn well better have made an exception today. He was a good and faithful servant, to all of us.

He was a humanitarian that did amazing work with Habitat for Humanity, which he volunteered with for 36 years. His involvement helped Habitat for Humanity spread to 14 countries and build more than 4,400 homes.

“Who are you to stand so fearsome

With your wavy locks of auburn hair and eyes of emerald green?”

The Fish Jacket in all its glory!

I don't know what to say.. I started the jacket 10 months ago. What a journey! I'm so proud and happy!

spock’s room decor is actually fucking bonkers. The weapons??? the big red velvet curtain??? like ok phantom of the opera go crazy.

On Vulcan, red is the color of nature, so (assuming Vulcans even assign meaning to colors), red is likely a very calm and soothing color choice. Green is probably the Vulcan color of passion and/or danger.

From a Vulcan perspective, Spock’s room is a cozy cottage core with some historical knickknacks hung around.

First the cracker batter baker bakes a cracker batter batch then the cracker batter mixer door will open and unlatch so the batter mixer nozzle can descend onto the patch where the cracker batter spreads out for the nozzle to attach.

When the cracker mixer nozzle sprays the cracker batter spray and the cracker batch emulsion lies a-soaking in its haze then the cracker batter mixer starts to stir up all the glaze that the final cracker stacker needs to lubricate the way.

“Oh shit, what’s the other half?”