sometimes i just think about how i spent 2 years destroying my own sense of self and my confidence just so an insecure ass boy would still love me and it fucks me up cause i realize how much it fucked me up in the long run like i’m literally constantly worried about what other ppl think about every single tiny little thing i do because i’m i terrified of making anyone angry or hate me even when it just over me being myself or doing things to make myself happy. my happiness suffered for years and now i still can’t let myself be unapologetically happy about my choices or my life. i feel like i gotta defend every single action or even thought i have to other ppl for them to accept me and i still do things all the time so my bf won’t get mad even though i don’t think he would like i start getting uncomfortable when i talk about my friends who are guys and hanging out with them cause i’m so scared he’s gonna get mad at me like my ex did even though he doesn’t act like that. i’m just so scared all the time.

i never thought i would be in this place and somehow i’m doing exactly what i thought i would do even though know how bad it is. i feel like i can’t tell my family or most of my friends and i’ve been trying so hard to tell my boyfriend but i can’t make the words come out of my mouth. i feel like i can’t even think about pressing charges because i don’t want to ruin his life and i don’t want to have to tell my entire family how the boy they all thought was great raped and abused me for most of our relationship. it’s too much for me to handle and i don’t know what to do anymore. i’ve barely even spoken about it with the people i’ve told, only really about how much it was giving me ptsd and i don’t have anyone to talk to about it. i don’t feel like i can open up to anybody. i’m so terrified and i don’t even know everything in terrified of. i just know i’m scared of having everyone know. i’m scared of being that girl that accuses a guy. i’m too scared to even think about getting some type of justice because i never want to tell this guy he’s a rapist and i don’t even think i would have a case because i can’t remember details. i don’t know when anything happened or how many times or what exactly he did to convince me or anything. i just remember that it happened over and over again and it made me feel sick but i never stopped trying to make him love me like he shouldve. and yet what i’m most scared of is that he’s going to do it to someone else. that he’s gonna end up raping someone and hitting someone and killing someone and i’m going to be the girl who didn’t say anything. who didn’t speak up about someone who could be dangerous and will probably continue to hurt people. i look at his new girlfriend and i can’t even hate her because i just see myself and i see how she’s changed and i’m so worried he’s going to do the same thing or even worse to her. i don’t know how to deal with any of this it seems like ever since i finally figured it out and accepted it it’s just been running through my head over and over again. every time my boyfriend touches me all i can think of is his hands and how badly he hurt me and how badly i want to tell my boyfriend now but i don’t know how. i can barely admit it all to myself.

i feel so weak and small and meek and damaged and i know that’s not true but i really have not been feeling like a bad bitch lately

i feel like life’s lowkey gonna be better when i don’t have to see his fuckin face almost everyday or just like be in school cause honestly that triggers me

i feel like i’m constantly being crushed by the weight of every bad thing that’s ever happened to me

my friend was telling me abt this hookup she just had nd how it was the worst ever and then showed me a pic of the dude and it’s the fucking guy who tried to fuck me in a youth group room at my friends bat mitzvah when i was 13 and he was like 16 or 17 idek he knew how old i was and i didn’t know how old he was til after nd then i also found out that he tried to or actually fucked a few other 13 year olds and raped someone in some stairway at his school and like assaulted someone else i think but yeah i’m Triggered™️

i really just need someone to make me feel loved rn

i’m kinda rly mad i didn’t get to hang out with me bf or anyone today or yesterday when i had nothing to do and my bf didn’t have work and tomorrow i got work and i think my bf does too and there’s gonna be a rly fuckin bad storm so i don’t think we’ll be able to hang out saturday night and he’s gotta work sunday all day probably and then monday and i have work on monday too and then there’s school on tuesday and i’ll only b able to see him for a few hours and i literally could have hung out with him all day today but he was doing shit with his friends i guess and didn’t invite me nd he kinda hasn’t in a while and it’s rly making me think they don’t like having me around for some reason even tho i feel crazy thinking that i’m still just like well they hate me cause he used to invite me to do shit w them all the time and he hasn’t in a few weeks it’s just kinda idk idk what’s going on anymore i just know i wanna see my fucking bf bc i’m having a whole ass mental breakdown and just really want some hugs nd kisses but he’s so far away and i’m stuck in this house with my family who keeps making me feel like shit and i don’t know how to open up to ppl or talk to them when i’m feeling like this without being with them i just need somebody right now really really badly i need some fuckin love

literally fuck my ex and everyone else who has made me feel so terrible about being the person i am and the things that i’ve done bc now i literally question what people are thinking about me with e v e r y t h i n g i do it’s so guckig exhausting to constantly be wondering if people hate you or think you’re weird or ugly bc of shit like how you’re walking down the hallway or the sweater u wear or how often u go to the bathroom people literally made me feel like such shit just for living my life and now i can’t do anything without having a million thoughts about how it might make someone hate me or think about me negatively and i can’t fuckig take it anymore i try so god damn hard but it keeps getting worse

i am in the worst fucking mental state i’ve been in in a long time and i don’t know what to do i don’t have any healthy coping mechanisms to use rn and i’m trying so hard not to fuck anything up but i feel like everyone fucking hates me and thinks i’m a dumbass bitch because that’s what everyone keepfucking telling me i can never win and ppl always just try to prove me wrong or make me feel bad about my decisions and i been feeling like nobody wants to hang out with me anymore except a few ppl and that my bfs friends hate me for some reason literally everything i fucking do i just think about how it makes people look at me every choice feels like ppl will hate me for it

my mom literally only fucking parents me when i do shit that pisses her off and she really doesn’t fucking realize that i’ve been taking care of myself for so long i literally don’t need her help it would be so much fucking better if she would just leave me the fuck alone she literally just fucking screamed at me for not going to school because she fucking woke up early and decided to make sure i got on the bus literally just so she wouldn’t have to drive me literally a completely fucking selfish reason and then when i say i ain’t going cause i’m fucking sick she yells at me and complains about how not she has to drive me because i can’t miss anymore school and literally everything she fucking yells at me about it how much i’m ruining her life and never actually put of any concern for me i fucking hate it

i love how my parents only ever actually fucking parent me when it’s convienient for them or for selfish reasons and i feel like they’ve never done anything out of pure love for me they really don’t fucking love me or support me unconditionally i don’t even have a parental bond with either of them like it just don’t fucking feel it bc they never bothered to take care of me as an infant and i probably spent god fuckin knows how much time bein taken care of by my siblings

my bf invited me to go shopping with his friends td and i was just looking forward to seeing him all day bc i had such a shitty fucking day and when i got home i saw that he snapped me twice and the first was sayin we would go at 2 nd then another saying i’m so sorry bc he forgot i don’t get home til almost 3 and i think he went anyway but idek bc he didn’t text me back yet and i’m trying so hard not to be mad i’m not even mad at him i’m just so fucking angry because today just keeps getting shittier and shittier and also why could he just like text me instead of snap chatting me so he coulda picked me up after school like it could have fucking worked out so easily but of course i have no fucking control over my life

i might be slightly manic but it’s fine i’m fine everything’s fine