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i feel like a coward !!!! i constantly feel like a coward and wish i would’ve killed myself years ago!!!! i’m so tired of feeling like this and being perpetually trapped in my mind. my life and stubbornness is the same. i’m in financial fucking poverty, i can’t afford nice things for myself and let alone others, i’m fucking struggling so hard where i’m paycheck to paycheck and even then, i’m singular dollars or in the negatives by the time my next pay check comes around. i can’t afford to go to school because it’s expensive and to get the degree i might want would take me so much time that i don’t have, i can’t do online school because i don’t learn well that way, i need fucking health insurance so i can’t go with a job, let alone without needing constant flow of money to pay what i have to pay. it feels like a never ending cycle and i hate it. this doesn’t even include the several health complications that are coming my way where it potentially or inevitably turn fatal. like what the fuck am i living for!!!!!! i’m also so tired of living for other people. it’s exhausting. i just need to get this out and in the void. having it anywhere else but my brain.