ghost

won’t be active much on here probably bc it’s a whole separate email and logging in is a hassle but here’s my page for ranting & ed updates i guess lol

here we are lads. back at it again. i kinda missed it here… anyway i redownloaded that hellhole tiktok to find a specific vid i remember making and instead found a vast array of vids i made when i was like 25lbs lighter!! i have literally gained so much weight and it really really shows!!!! i thought i was fat then too HA. LMAO. could’ve been skinner yeah but i wore tank tops that clung. CLUNG. i could fucking NEVER now are u kidding???? so anyway yeah i don’t ever want to eat again etc etc i’ll probably give up super quick but honestly i Need to fucking lose this weight. i shaved my head and it’s made me feel so ugly which has made me feel so unlovable and if i was just skínny.. please god it’s all i want please please please

hateee that myspace emo fashion only caters to skinny ppl bc like yes i am trying 2 be an emo girlqueen but i am NOT fucking wearing shorts

was going to weigh in tmrw but tbh i don’t think i will actually. honestly i don’t want to focus on numbers this time around, especially bc i know it takes a week or two to start seeing progress so weighing in so soon will only make me frustrated. maybe i’ll weigh in in a few weeks, but for now i’m honestly just more focused on the process, which feels really good. i like not worrying so much about the weight, knowing i’ll get to where i want to be eventually, just focusing on staying consistent. it’s sort of nice.

just now realizing maybe it isn’t the best idea to start starving myself right before & during midterm exams… lol oops can’t quit now ig

alright this week’s been very much up and down, like literally half-success half-failure. i’m cutting myself some slack because i haven’t counted calories since like april, but it’s looking optimistic. i’ve learned the key really is consistency, so i’m okay with eating 900cal a day instead of 700-800 if it means i’ll stay on track. that’s my main goal— no binges. today was good though, 775cal, under 800! let’s hope i can keep it going lol

binged on day 1 ugh. ate 1310 cal which i was pretty horrified about as i was doing it, like omg im eating so much wtf. but actually 1310 really isn’t that bad for day 1. yes it’s a few hundred over what im going for but i was relieved to see the number wasn’t TOO high. im still in a deficit, im still good. my goal is to get it down to 800cal a day. tomorrow will be 825, then i need to start cutting out my fav foods again like bagels which suckss but hey it isn’t the worst thing in the world. yk even when im eating im not eating healthy. literally all sugar. all through my life my parents have always said “i don’t know how you’re still alive, all you eat is sugar.” so like yes when im starving i feel lightheaded and cold all the time etc etc but when im eating i feel sluggish and gross. when im starving i at least feel clean, i feel nice, and you know i of course get that sick ed sense of satisfaction from it. eating always feels wrong, bad, even after “recovering” i couldn’t escape the guilt every time i ate. both of them make me feel bad. starving is the lesser of two evils. that’s a very black and white way of looking at it, like where’s the third option of just adopting a healthy diet lmao?? idk that just seems so difficult. i’ve tried. many times. i can never figure it out and it takes too much energy and motivation and there’s so much different contrasting info i don’t even know where to start. and that won’t help me lose weight fast. i’ve been wondering why i’ve started feeling ugly again lately, why my face always seems shaped weird. it’s bc i gained weight. a lot of weight. oh my god. i’ve got to lose it, i’ve get to get down to at LEAST 129. just below 130 and i’ll be more stable. rn i feel panicked all the time knowing what i look like, how heavy i am. i want to be 115 in the end but god at least just let me get below 130, that’s when i started to feel pretty last time, that’s when that last hurrah of motivation kicked in, when i knew it was working and i was getting somewhere and soon i’d be so pretty. and then i went and fucked it all up. i’ve never been the same. i can’t recover if i haven’t gone all the way. this needs to end. i have to do this. i’m gonna lose this weight and it’s going to be marvelous.

omg im so pleasantly surprised i haven’t been counting calories in so long & i’ve forgotten how much is in stuff and it’s actually way less than i thought. uncrustables are only 210cal i thought it was like 400, that’s so easy to budget into 3 meals a day esp since my breakfast is always less than 200cal

ugh i ALWAYS say i’m gonna stick to it and then i don’t bc im not motivated enough. and i ALWAYS say “but i actually will this time!!” and then i don’t. i am fallible. but god fucking damn it it’s been over a year since i first started starving myself and i have NEVER felt this kind of vigor except maybe at the very beginning. i can do this. ugh i know it’s toxic but it’s so addicting. i feel good. i’ll be clean.

anyway on a brighter note from my last doom-spiraling post- my name wasn’t actually ghost irl, it was something else (still a chosen name, im trans), and ghost was my little secret online name. but for like a year i’ve been disliking that irl name & a month or so ago i decided to change my name to ghost. so it’s kinda weird shedding that layer of anonymity like the name on here is actually my real name now lol

oh my god. i was actually getting to a point where i was eating pretty normally, not healthily of course just junk food & overeating i’ve never been able to eat healthy, but my body was finally back to normal and i hadn’t weighed myself in months and yeah i still didn’t like my body but i finally, FINALLY, wasn’t thinking about what i was eating. i could just eat and enjoy it, and even though it wasn’t perfect it was so much better than when i was in the depths of my ed. and then i had to go to the doctors today. was terrified, and rightfully so. i’m almost ten pounds heavier than i was when i STARTED all this stuff. i had been thinking about relapsing every day for a long time, but this cements it. i had promised by self i would never ever get over 140lbs again. i really didn’t think i was. i’m humiliated. i’m disgusted with myself. so i’m meal planning and fucking sticking to it this time. im going to make it manageable since i’ve been overeating for months but im not showing myself any mercy. im determined. im kind of glad i had that happen to me bc i think it gave me the motivation i needed. things will be so much easier when im thin. when im thin i won’t have to worry about any of this. if i’d stuck to it i would’ve been thin months ago. i can do this. i just need to get it over with, a few months of suffering plus a few months of slow recovery and boom. i won’t be free of insecurities but god i will feel so so much better. i just know it. i have to do this. and im going to. im gonna update daily on here i think- i have to hold myself accountable.