Ah, DragonCon. I hardly knew ye. But another year has come and gone, and this weekend has been the most fun I’ve ever had. I went to my first real concert, I slept a collective 13 hours throughout the entire weekend, I got effed up, I bought some crap I didn’t need, I partied, I didn’t have to worry about River because I had a babysitter, I saw great cosplay, I gained some confidence, and I felt normal for once.
Friday was perfect. I went to the Steam Powered Giraffe concert, which I’ve been looking so forward to. Before it started, Rabbit came out from backstage, and started walking towards me. I got so scared that I hid behind a pillar. But I was so excited that I came so close to her. The concert was delayed about an hour and a half due to technical difficulties, and they had a lot of troubles being able to hear each other even when they started, but they handled it like pros and delivered the best soundcheck of all time. They never once broke character. True performers. I was so close to the front. I was only behind one row of people, and I squoze through a couple times to get some fantastic pictures. After the concert, they set up a booth and I bought a CD, which they all autographed for free. I appreciate that so much. It makes me feel like they really care about their fans. I’ll treasure it forever.
Saturday was amazing. Squeezing through crowds isn’t so bad when half of them are dressed up and you get to see so many people dancing and having fun. Especially when some of the people dancing are famous celebrities from Doctor Who (*coughalexkingstonyesshewastotallydancinginapopupdancecirclecough*).
Saturday night is when I got pretty effed up. Not really compared to most people’s standards, but compared to mine. I sat on the steps outside of the Marriot with Evan, Evan’s brother Chris, and Chris’ girlfriend Elizabeth. We all sat there talking about life and the world. I don’t often talk about how I feel and the things that are wrong with me, but everything gushed out that night. I told them that I’m afraid all of the time and that I never feel normal. I told them that the reason why I don’t talk that much or do new things is because I don’t feel normal and I’m afraid that other people think I’m weird. I told them that I have a voice inside of my head that says terrible things about me, so I can’t ever relax and feel like a regular person. We listened to the song “Wired Wrong” to explain how I felt.
“You’re not fucked up, the world is fucked up.”
I felt normal that night.
Sunday was much calmer than the previous two days. We went to a couple panels, and picked River up from her grandma’s. She babbled and squealed through the Steam Powered Giraffe panel, and stressed me out pretty bad, but I don’t think anyone was too upset about it. I tried so hard to keep her quiet, but she just wanted to talk about going on the big potty. We left early that night because we were pretty tired.
Monday we didn’t do much except hang out at the Marriot and go to the vendor hall. We finally made it to the SPG booth and I worked up the confidence to not only show my face and speak, but to also get a picture and not completely despise how I looked in it. I went back a couple hours later because The Spine uploaded a silly short video the night before and River started repeating it. They were right about to leave when I showed up so I asked them if they just had a moment longer, and had River repeat the video for them, “Hi, I duh Spine I jus got new lips! *Smooch smooch*” They all died laughing. It was great.
I feel good about how the weekend went. I feel better about myself. I also just listened to Wired Wrong for the first time since that night and started bawling my eyes out. That was unexpected. I’m pretty emotional right now. Maybe I really can fight back against the voice so that I don’t feel afraid to be who I am anymore.
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