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Maybe I’m dramatic. If someone were to hear this they would only think of how childish and minor or a problem this is. They might be right. It is small. But how can something so small chew me hollow from the inside. Maybe I am too much. I just hate myself. This depression with a problem on top of it all isn’t giving me any hopeful or good feeling. I want to be better. At 11:11 I even wished for better days. I want better days. I want to feel happy. I want this pain and self loathing to stop. I want this to go away. I want to go away.

I guess there are more stressors as we age. One things that keeps on coming up when I am around my mother is the topic of relationships and marriage. It’s not a time for me to be thinking about either of those. Today, mother brought up the topic of marriage. Absolutely insane. I have yet to even have a boyfriend and the topic of marriage has already been installed into conversations. I am not ready. The more this topic is brought up, the more I want to stray away from being in a relationship. I want this to go away. I am sick of hearing about being in a relationship. Its something I know I should do, but I just don’t seem to understand why I have to rush it. Yes, I know I am getting older, but things will come when the time is right. For now, I want to focus on what I am doing. My full attention should be towards school and doing things that I enjoy in the present. Yes, think about the future, but only the things I can control. I hate being at home for the sole reason of my mother. Being home should be a place of relaxation and reset. But often times coming home leads to additional stress. For the time being, it’s a house, not a home. I want to stay home sometimes to just sleep in and enjoy resting. But I can’t. Because when I do my parents ask why I am not at school or why am I not doing additional charitable work for clinics (which does not occur since they do not understand the process). Somedays I just want to stay home just to stay home and relax but staying home comes with a price. I cannot be home just to take a step back from school, because then they will complain about how I am never at school. When I am literally at the library doing schoolwork 4-5 days of the week, and on the weekends, I am at the library or Starbucks studying (sometimes with friends). I do leave later in the day, but that does not mean I do not spend at least 5 hours of my day doing schoolwork. It may not look like it to my parents, but I am STRESSED! I am stressed about things I should be stressed about at this age. It may seem that I am all giggles and easy going, but I can really burst into tears if I think about these stressors and topics of the future. It truly is scary. It is uncomfortable for me to tell my mother “I don’t want to talk about marriage, relationships, finance, jobs, school, etc.” at this moment because I am concerned myself. If I bring this up, I should also bring up a plan of reassurance for her. But I have nothing in place. I have nothing planned. I am only going with the flow of things in hopes that everything will turn out well. I’ll figure things out along the way. For now, can you SHUT THE FUCK UP about marriage. I want to live! I want to live my own life! Stop trying to live my life for me. At this point, I don’t care if I am married by 30 or not. There are still so many things I want to do, and your words don’t help. Wow, I was a little teary-eyed writing all of this. I had to let it out. I stopped in the middle of my assignment because this thought arise out of the blue. I can only hope for myself to do well. I want to also hope for myself to find someone to give my time to without regrets and that things will work out. I want things to be well and for now I can only hope. I have to be strong and bare through all the obstacles to reach success. “the closer I am to my goal, the more obstacles I encounter.”

Today is the first day of the new school semester of where I officially start my program. I feel a little concerned since I don’t know exactly what I got myself into. I haven’t really look at the classes I’m taking. I just kind of signed up for them. I hope for the best. But before I even begin to read the syllabus I want to take a moment to express how I feel. Last night was the first time my mother heard me call her a bitch. And I didn’t deny it when she questioned it. Yes, she was mad. But I think that she deserved it at the moment. She was very moody and called the soonbudu jjigae I made trash. I even made a cheesecake that day and she ate it behind my back and called it ugly and just threw the knife on top of my cheesecake with a face of dissatisfaction. I was really irritated with the way she acted last night. Very child-like. I say this every time, but I don’t think she is mature enough to be a mother. I feel that there are often times than not that I am more mature than she is. I even thought about it for a long time last night if what I did was wrong. My mind didn’t waiver. I knew what I said had to be said. A scenario of me threatening to kill myself even came across my mind. How awful. I think that you’re a bad mother if your child even thinks about killing themselves because of you. The thought of it made me tear up in bed this morning. But I stopped myself after a few moments since I remember I can’t be this way for the first day of school. Was not a preferred way to start off the first day of school, but life goes on. I feel a little better expressing how I feel. Now I can start my classes. Best of luck to me!

I think I got the feeling out of the way, at least most of it. I also come to a conclusion that though my idol dream is no longer valid, I can still live through it by writing song lyrics and enjoy the process. I think that it brings me lot of joy. I still try my best o seek happiness. I’ve also been thinking a lot if I really have depression or not. I want to figure it out bc I do show signs, but I can’t be to sure. If it comes to be true, then this would be something I’ve had my whole life.

I’m actually feeling really happy right now listening to music and writing how I feel. I would like to continue to document the moments that occur in life. I am very thankful to Suga that he has influenced me to become a better person and rediscovering hobbies that I put aside. I used to write in journals and document my life. Thanks to him I went back to doing that. I also used to hate painting for a while but thanks to him I’ve completed the biggest canvas painting I every did in under a week. I do my best to enjoy life a little more because of the impact he’s done and motivation that he’s given me.

Maybe since I am getting in the habit of writing more, I can continue to write more and not be lazy. Maybe I can eventually write some lyrics for a song since I’ve always wanted to compose a song for myself. Not for anything too serious but for fun and something for myself. Its probably the best way to express myself. Maybe I’ll continue this through more motivation. I wish myself the best and maybe something good will come out of this. 

 I look back now and come to realize that there is no way to change the past, but his story really stuck with me. Though his family was really unsupportive of what his dreams were, he still went for them. I am now filled with regret that I didn’t pursue the dreams that I wanted. But since there is not turning back, maybe those dreams in the past wouldn’t have worked out for me present day anyways. I’ll live happily now and continue to pursue my career or becoming a doctor since that is all I know now. Though my childhood dreams are crushed, I can still make my current dreams come true. I wish myself the best of luck now, I hope to be successful. (Very soon) 

This topic arose from my sudden impulse of wanting to write a song. But my siblings both agreed that I am always off beat. It was a little hard reality to take in, but its something I must accept and learn to work on. I don’t think listening to all those kpop songs really help either since I always have to listen before I sing a second after. My sister told me I should start by learning to be on beat and that’s where we then branched off to learning the piano. I am finally doing something that I want. I am so happy.

I’ve been crying a lot lately. Not sure why. Could it be the stress of the event that’s happening around me? I hope that I learn to hold in my tears. Crying is tiring. I still haven’t passed. It’s a lot of pressure around me. All my friends are doing well in their life, such as getting into their program and moving forward in school/life. I am still stuck in the same place. At times, I feel that I am regressing. I Hope that things will be better soon. I desperately want things to turn better very soon. I hope that when that time comes, I will be happy. I want to be happy again. What did that feel like? Happiness passes a little too fast now that I think about it. I think I may be stressed. There are a lot of things that make me unhappy these days than there are things to feel happy about. I hope for the best, even a glimpse of hope will make me feel better.

It’s been a while. There were a few things I wanted to write the last couple of days, but I got lazy. Since this topic is the first thing on my mind today, let’s talk about it. I am so glad I passed my test. I am also glad that I found someone to be my inspiration and to help motivate me to do something I always wanted to do. Thank you, Min Yoongi (Suga). I looked at you as my good luck charm randomly, for no apparent reason about a week before my test. It turns out to be true that you are my good luck charm since you’ve proven to help me pass. Another thing that inspired me is hearing his story. I write about how I felt and related to his life story a while ago on my phone, but never shared it. He related to me a lot so I thought it was a good way to share how things were for me as well. Anyways, I started painting again. I actually found peace in painting this time around. I used to hate it and found it annoying, but thanks to my better state of mind, I learn to love it again and feel the same way I used to when I enjoyed it. Like how piano was for Yoongi, painting was like for me. My family was poor growing up, and did not have much time for me either. I never got the chance to learn karate or take piano lessons like I wanted to. I watched the other kids jealously while they were able to do those activities while I stayed home most of the time. But just a week about I began to learn piano from my sister, I am grateful she’s willing to teach me. This was something I always wanted to learn, and it motivates me to learn it even more since Suga learned it growing up which help developed his skills into the amazing song writer he is today. My heart is in so much ease lately. I can finally do the things I like, and it almost bring me to tears. I’ve been having self doubt and breakdowns so much that it was hard to see the light at the end, but just recently everything seems to make things clear that life can sometimes be a process. I hope to continue to have Suga be my inspiration in becoming a better person. I can do the things I always wanted, it not too late.

I come to realize that I should take time to better myself. I now have the time, why not use it to its advantage. I though to myself last night that I should learn some self control and also try to develop a routine. Maybe that might help. I’m still lost in life and still don’t know what to do. I hope that things will get better so that I don’t have to stress as much. I desperately want to graduate and get a job so I won’t feel useless. I hate myself everyday for not being something that I could’ve been a long time ago. I wish things will get better. I hope things will get better.