Spilled thoughts

Sometimes I wonder…

But, then I realize that wondering takes you to Wonderland

 Wonderland can take you down two different rabbit holes

As the moonlight illuminated inside the car I rested my head on his shoulder and our hands became one.

We drove into the darkness of the unknown.

My mind drifted into The Sea of Undetermined Knowledge, yet I stayed anchored.

I have began to get the feeling of regret

 I am recluse in the state of regression.

The person I never signed up to be or

the place I meant to go.

 The passion that once kept me alive

And filled my body with warm

red color that seeped through

My pores has now turned me grey

 50 shades of

blank.

 I sit breathing in the air that keeps me fruitful.

Like romance keeps the couple on their cute

Picnic lunch date,

I yearn for that time in my life

6:50 am.

My alarm clock goes off each morning.

I wake up.

I walk to the bathroom.

I walk downstairs.

7:00 am.

I make a cup of coffee.

I add two spoon full’s of Hazelnut creamer.

The black sea and clouds of white mix in the cup .

The aroma feels my nose with the mornings with my grandmother.

This is how I start each morning.

Today.

It’s not the same.

There’s only French vanilla creamer.

My cup is no longer filled with memories.

Instead.

It’s filled with Tropophobia.

The clouds of white roll in like a storm

7:15 am.

The rain came as I walked down the sidewalk.

Phone in hand, I received a call.

I wasn’t expecting it at all,

Just like the rain.

 My phone rang, I answered.

As the excitement in my voice rose

the drops fell harder and faster.

 Earbuds tangled around my umbrella,

The thoughts wrapped around my brain.

Here comes the rain.

 Rain usually signals sadness,

But not today.

It signals happiness.

It’s heavy on the heart and mind to think about the future.

Questions constantly run through my head.

Hush.

Positive

Negative

Hush

I know I still have time to figure it out

But…

Hush.

I can still work towards my dreams

While have fun right?

Hush.

A part of me wonders…

How…

Hush.

Will this all work out?

Will I be everything my parents wanted

When I came into this world?

Hush.

Will I grab my diploma knowing where

I’m going when I cross that stage into the real world?

Hush.

Have I been leaning on faith?

Or is it just a word I wear on a shirt?

Hush.

Worry

I gotta keep pushing

Hush.

I have to run with my dream catcher

Stretched out in front of me

Hush.

My mind drifts

My doubt fills

Hush.

I just have to tell myself

Hush

You got this

Hush

This Is Gods plan

Take a plane west until you reach the last state, closet to the sea.

Be sure to arrive a few hours before sunset.

Grab a cab outside the airport, and tell the driver to take you to the top of the biggest hill. You will get stuck, bumper-to-bumper.

But it will be worth the view. But take this moment to see who might be in your rearview.

Once you get moving, the roads begin to wind, the palm trees wave as you pass by.

You get to the entrance and begin to climb. Up you go and up you go as your ears pop and the hikers have stopped.

You’ll look to the right but all you will see is trees and the ground way down below.

The sun is settling while the city is just getting started. You look out to the horizon.

Stop the driver, get out, and take a picture of the little city. Get back into the cab, you’re almost there.

Climb a winding road the driver will let you out. Walk towards the fence where the paparazzi are standing, with backs turned.

Look slightly to the right. You’ll see it just like Miley’s song.

Don’t pull your phone out, live in the moment.

Let the lights twinkle in your eyes. Listen and feel.

That four-letter word…

I’ve heard and spoke that word since I can remember.

First from my parents, my grandparents and sisters

Then my friends

Then it was just a word.

 But it was no longer just a word when it came out of his mouth

It was something that I had only dreamed of hearing

It was something that took my breath away

It was something that stopped my heart

It was something that made me scared

But yet it was something that made me happy

 Then I thought to myself

Do I know what love is?

Not just the love from family and friends

I know what that is.

 What is it when you put “In” in front of those letters?

I know that word didn’t leave his mouth just as it would my family’s

It meant more.

 But what does it mean to me?

Did the word leave my mouth because I’m use to saying it to family and friends?

Or did I mean it like he did?

 People say you’ll know.

I’ll know.

Do I know?

How will I know?

When I know will I know that I know?

 Is it when I get nervous every time I know I’m about to see you?

Is it the tingles I get every time we touch?

Is it when I don’t want our lips to part?

Is it how I melt perfectly into you?

Is it how I never want to leave when I’m with you?

But is this Love?

 That Four-letter word everyone wants to hear

at one point,

that one time,

from that one person.

 It’s scary,

Confusing

Beautiful

It’s unknown

 That four-letter word is not just a word

That four-letter word is more than just letters

That four-letter word has multiple definitions

Now it’s not just a word

You just looked at me.

They just looked at me.

 Is there something on my face?

Shoot!

Did that ketchup get on my shirt?

No…

Is my hair sticking up?

No…

Maybe my make-up is smeared?

Nope.

Nothing.

 There’s nothing on my face or shirt.

My make-up and hair are in place.

 Heat reaches the surface.

 Keep you’re head down.

You’re fine.

 I can still feel the laser beams from the stares of their eyes.

 “Is she okay?” I’m fine.

“She probably doesn’t have any friends” I do so!

“Maybe she failed a test” No, actually I’m passing… shockingly.

 Wait… I’m talking to myself.

Can people see that I’m talking to myself?

 Wait… this is inside my head.

 Maybe I’ll look up now.

 Abort Mission, abort mission!

Blue, green, brown, red… my face.

Even through sunglasses.

 They see me.

 When did I speed up?

I look like a mom on her morning speed walk.

 Great, now I look like those kids who run across campus.

 Slow down.

 Crap, now people know that I know that they are looking at me.

 Just get to the door.

You’re almost there.

 Look at the clouds.

They’re nice right?

 Crap now I look insane!

 I’m gonna run into someone I just know it.

 Are people looking?

 Of course they are!

I’m wearing a bright yellow shirt.

It just screams, “Look at me!”

Yellow isn’t even a good color on me.

 The door’s right there.

 Here come’s that one girl I know.

Do I have to say hi?

 “Hi”

“hey”

 How awkward was that?

That was a solid 3 seconds of eye contact.

How red was my face?

 The door.

My hand.

 They meet.

You can’t deal with the unknown

Your mind wonders

You’re trying to put the missing puzzle pieces together

But you haven’t found then yet

Your mind wonders

What memories will I hold on to?

But you haven’t found them yet

How much longer will this puzzle take?

 What memories will I hold on to?

I’ve only put 10 pieces together

How much longer will this puzzle take?

The box has a beautiful picture

 I’ve only put 10 pieces together

You can’t deal with the unknown

The box has a beautiful picture

as I reach the peak,

Signaling peace.

The silence of mankind

is scary.

But the escape empties

my mind.

 Each tree has been

perfectly sculpted by the

same wind that continues

to caress my cheek.

 As I look at the beauty

of the green below,

 The longer I look,

the deeper the unknown

goes.

 This is all apart of

This bath is filled with nothing but bubbles

Which has turned the whole tub pink

As a child I wish that would be the color of my dream car

I wish I had a book

and gum

that tasted of my favorite drink

 I wish that drink

had bubbles

that popped like gum

and left my tongue pink

while I read that book

about a girl in her car

 In that car

she would drink

and think about that book

that filled her head with bubbles

and turned her cheeks pink

as she popped her gum

 The gum

was the same color as her car

that oh so special color pink

and she did drink

that day when her head was filled with bubbles

that reminded her of that book

 That book

where she chomped on her gum

and popped bubbles

the color of her car

that reminded her of her favorite color, pink

 If you couldn’t tell her favorite color is pink

and her favorite book

is about that drink

that makes her pop the gum

in her car

the color of her favorite bubbles

 in the drink which is pink

like the bubbles that fill her head when she reads that book

Anxiety

Oh how I love thee

You make my heart race

Feet pace

You take my breath away

Need to refill

One two three

Oh how I love thee

Anxiety

Your mind is your remote

Rewind

Fast forward

Pause

Stop

Play

 Life is in play

 But you want to press fast forward

You can’t deal with the unknown

You’ve already started writing an alternative ending

But you haven’t even seen your beginning

 Life is in Play

 But you constantly compare your play to your rewind

You want to go back in time

You wonder if your DVD called life will be stuck in reverse

But have you placed upon yourself a curse?

 Life is in Play

 But every now and then

You want to press stop to take a breathe

You want to press pause to take break

But life is in constant play

 In a movie theatre

There is no

Stop

Pause

Fast forward

Rewind

 There is only play

 What has happened, happened

There’s no going back

The future is unknown

But that’s the beauty of it

 There’s no pause or stop

Only bathroom breaks

And popcorn refills

But the movie keeps going

 The movie is in constant play

Your life keeps going

Your life is in constant play

 Live each day in the present

Thank the rewind for the memories

Look onward for the fast forward

“Tell me about yourself”

The sentence that I dread

Oh Lord, my face is turning red

 Those four words every teacher ask on the first day of class

My mind is racing

My heart starts chasing

 Will my words come out right?

Why am I even taking this class?

Am I even interesting?

 I haven’t even been listening

Three more people to go

Lord, please give me something to say!

 “Your turn”

Face red, hands-a-shaken