Buffy looking into Spike's eyes and seeing something there that she's afraid of because despite all her protestations it's real and she can't pretend anymore that it isn't, but at the same time seeing where the man starts and stops, the absence of something, a void he can't even perceive himself, something that reflects back her own feelings of darkness and unfeelingness and Wrongness and why can't he just understand why this is killing her? Why can't he see how wrong this is? How every second of it is breaking both of them? Why does he not care? Why does he not understand? Why does he somehow still understand better than anyone else, even her friends? She looks in his eyes and almost sees him, sees what maybe he used to be, what was stolen from him and twisted into this version. She hates him, but she doesn't and he is her friend isn't he? He can be good, almost, sometimes...he can kind and sweet and perceptive and he makes her laugh, he loves so much, but not well, not wisely. He loves, but he doesn't understand that he loves Wrong. Yes he's a monster, yes he's a killer, and he's unrepentant, and he's cruel and selfish, but sometimes he isn't...he wasn't always...who was he? It's not like he ever told her, not really. She never cared to know. Now it haunts her when she looks into his eyes. A monster who knows what he is, but not why. Who doesn't understand why it matters, or that he's missing something important. Who loves so deeply, but so wrongly. Not a man, but so frighteningly close. Enough to hurt, enough to mourn and long for. When she says goodbye, she uses his real name. He still doesn't understand. How could he? There's one soul between the two of them, and it can't be shared by both of them, can't burden both of them. He would gladly let both of them go up in flames, he would gladly take her fists and anger and poison. If he can't be in her heart, he'll do his best to get under her skin, in her system. Anything for her, except the one thing she actually needs from him, what he needs for himself, even if he doesn't know it. She has to be strong about this.
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