Ponies Should Always Wear Sweaters

Derek has a shtick. It’s sort of hokey, he knows, and maybe it’s a little weird, but people have much weirder internet personalities than guy-who-takes-shirt-off-for-charity.

It started mostly on accident. Cora is Derek’s social media manager, the person who edits all of his videos and runs his Instagram and Twitter pages, and she was the one who insisted that he record his scenic workout when he was camping in the Grand Canyon. It wasn’t, at that point, completely unheard of for Derek to post videos of his workouts, but he’d always done it fully clothed, and it was mostly so that he could highlight his progress as he got stronger. Then, on a sunny day in Arizona, he recorded his workout without really thinking about the fact that he was shirtless—and the clip went sort of viral online. Not just viral among the van life people that knew Derek, but viral among a lot of other communities too. It was the most successful video Derek had ever made.

So Derek started using that to his advantage. If the algorithm pushed shirtless videos, and if people wanted to see him shirtless, he would be shirtless for the videos that were most important to him.

Derek travels full time these days. It took him about a year to build out his van the way he wanted it, but now he maintains a PO box in the Midwest and just drives around, wherever suits him. He makes videos everywhere he goes, usually just to show off whatever’s local—small places, off the beaten path, away from the tourist traps. And in a lot of the videos he makes, he talks about local charities and projects that are trying to restore nature or protect and rehabilitate wildlife; nowadays, he makes those videos shirtless, always introduced by a minute or two of him working out. Because they get attention, and that’s how he helps places raise money.

It’s earned him somewhat of a reputation. But it’s also generated a lot of support for causes that Derek cares about, so he’s not really embarrassed about it. Besides, he only has about 700,000 subscribers, and his videos aren’t that popular. Although Cora has sent him a couple interesting fan-made videos that she calls “thirst edits,” which appear to be compilations of his shirtless form set to music. 

He honestly doesn’t think about it that much. It’s just what he does. He likes to travel and he likes to make videos and it’s not like he needs a job, so he might as well raise awareness for good causes, even if it means he sometimes pimps himself out on the internet. He’s aware that people talk about his body—that’s sort of the point. He’s not ignorant to that. But he also doesn’t seek it out or try to engage with people about it. It also helps that Derek largely stays away from comments and social media sites, so Cora can block weirdos and help him protect his peace.

Cora doesn’t usually send him those comments. Until his Twitter page is apparently bombarded with hundreds of messages about a streamer who referenced him in a video recently. Cora sends him a clip apparently cut out of a larger stream, and tells him to watch it.

It’s a guy—a guy who looks like a video game streamer, definitely. He’s sitting in the exact kind of setup that Derek would expect, all neon lights and fancy chair; there are a pair of dogs sitting in big beds behind his chair but visible on camera, one German Shepherd and one smaller white mutt, who looks like some kind of terrier. The streamer is in his mid-20s, white, with high cheekbones and a smattering of beauty marks, as well as a charming, almost goofy sort of smile. He’s handsome, Derek thinks, but he plays video games for a living, which means he might be a total piece of shit.

“—my algorithm knows I have a thing for hot, shirtless guys with a heart of gold,” the streamer is saying with a smirk. “Yeah, I’ve seen him. Goddamn Derek On the Road—”

That’s Derek’s online handle.

“—was, like, made in a factory specifically to appeal to me. But he’s gotta be everybody’s type, right? I mean, unless you’re, like, a fascist who hates hot guys? Even lesbians think he’s hot. He’s, like, sexy without being aggressive about it. Like Mr. Darcy.”

Such commentary isn’t entirely new to Derek, but it’s…flattering. Maybe this guy’s not so bad.

He seems to pause while he reads messages in the chat, smiling the whole time. Then he continues, “Yeah, I don’t think the shirtless thing would work well for me. I’d probably blind all of you—and then how would I pay my bills?” His eyes move again and he hums as if deep in thought. “Well, I could probably be convinced to get shirtless for charity. I’ll hit the gym for a solid month. And maybe a tanning salon. And we’ll support some, like, really sick cause.” As if on cue, the German Shepherd yawns with a whining sound, and the streamer laughs. “Okay, yeah, something for dogs. Rowdy said we have to.”

Derek is smiling by the end of the clip, which was probably Cora’s goal. So he sends a thumbs up emoji to signify that he saw the video, and then asks her who the guy is.

>His name is Stiles. He plays a bunch of random games, he has nearly four million followers

Jesus. That’s a fucking lot. Four million people watch him play video games? 

>That was from yesterday’s stream and you already have 250 new subs

Huh. Well. Derek doesn’t mind that.