sparkledog

if they weren't afraid of me, they treated me like a pariah anyway. although, i kind of deserved it because there was really something wrong with me and any normal child didn't want anything to do with it.

i did have a friend, but i was cruel to her and constantly battling narcissistic tendencies that i was not aware of until much later in life. i was mean, self important, unempathetic, and speeding down a path of childhood sociopathy. like. it was really bad. i was i monster. i've spent so long trying to make up for it.

i like to think i've grown from then, i mean i try really hard to not be that way anymore, but there is still something so evil and sinister inside of me. i was thinking today about how i wish i had good memories of childhood friends, maybe ones i was still in touch with. childhood friends that invited me over. or wanted to come visit me. childhood friends that wanted to be my partner for the group project.

punch & drusy bffs 4evr

why is it so hard for my trans peers to accept that i am neither and not "leaning" towards one gender or the other. why do they keep asking if im going to start hormones. why do they keep asking if i feel "more masc or more femme".

it's neither. none. i dont want gender and i want everyone to stop fucking suggesting that i start hrt. i'm not trying to become masculine. i do not want a voice drop, and i do not want to grow facial hair. i want top surgery and nothing more. i've spent my whole life having short hair, shaving my head, i want to have long hair now because i haven't ever had long hair. stop asking if i want a "short, masculine cut". im bored with short hair leave me the fuck alone. i am also literally a hairstylist and i will cut my hair however the fuck i please. i've had edgy, short, colorful hairstyles for most of my life and you can suck it if you think my hair should be a certain way to reflect my gender identity.

how i miss getting wasted at leftover crack shows

how i miss smoking cigarette butts from off the ground

how i miss cocaine before it was all full of fentanyl

how i miss not caring about consequences and living freely and actually enjoying this existence

[dahlia belongs to ulafleshandblood on instagram]

POV : me and @crowbaby size you up

" thoughts of the shortness of life may beget bouts of shortness of breath in your chest - doubts about the worth of the nights you got left "

and i just think about it literally constantly.

i went to lunch with a client of mine a while back, and she is in her 40's now. she told me it was jarring to think there was more of her life behind her than ahead of her. i ended up drinking alone at girls afterwards because that comment fucked me up.

i spend a lot of time thinking about how bad i dont want to keep going. i cannot express how much i hate this world. i didn't ask for this. i didn't want things to turn out this way.

im not going to off myself because i have to feed my cat and fist fight my sister for funsies but my fucking god this is a bleak existence and i dont know how anyone gets through it.

like i am on so much anxiety medication now because i actually cannot function anymore. it's just constant flight or fight, existential dread, and pleading to reverse the clock and undo me. i have no motivation at all because none of it matters in the end. everything i love will perish so will i, and none of what we experience will have mattered.

yeah i bet those swaying trees and wildflowers are beautiful. yeah i bet its nice listening to nature without city white noise. but heaven forbid any of the local wildlife get too close or make you uncomfy after you bought a house built in the center of their home.

i turned 30 this month.

jesse and i separated. i live alone with our cat in a tiny studio now. we're still hanging out but i think i'm ready to let go. we spent 11 years together. i have a lot of happy memories and a lot of miserable and toxic memories.

i still do hair. it doesn't pay the bills and it has started sucking the life out of me. but at least i don't answer to a corporate overlord.

i cut things off with my long distance best friend of like 14 years because he didn't vote. i'll store him in the vault of ex best friends who fucking suck, alongside alex, who i cut off for ignoring me to hang out with the girl jesse cheated on me with. classy, right ? yall ever been platonically in love with someone ? i'm still mad about this and it was like 5 years ago.

i went to therapy. i did make improvements for a while, but i dont really care anymore because we're all gonna die soon anyway. im still taking my anxiety meds though because i could not fucking function. like when that shit with the drones coming out of the ocean was happening i was having panic attacks about it in the middle of cutting peoples hair lmao.