sparkiepop.

Quick introduction, if you don’t already know. There is a comedian named Dan Nainan. He is the worst human being that has ever lived, as the following post will prove 100%. These are a collection of emails he’s been sending me for about a year now COMPLETELY UNEDITED AND UNCHANGED. Whether or not all the things Dan claims are true or not, he is still the most disgusting person ever born. Here we go…oh and feel free to email or call him. There are a lot of these, so feel free to read them all or just skim.

There’s really no need to even include most of my responses, because a lot of his emails to me are one-sided and unsolicited anyway. The last 7 or so he sent to me without me responding to any of them. He just keeps sending them.

EMAIL #1:

From: Dan Nainan, Comedian <[email protected]> Date: Thu, Jun 10, 2010 at 7:30 PM Subject: $8000 for a Show in Dubai! May I Gloat Just a Little Bit? Thank you. Dear Friends, I just received the initial deposit for a corporate show in Dubai that’s coming up in a couple of weeks. The show pays $8000, yes, that’s right, EIGHT THOUSAND US DOLLARS for less than one hour’s work! And yes, I’ll be flying in First Class as usual, in unbelievable luxury, with a flat bed!  I’ll be checking out the indoor ski range, surfing on the sand dunes, visiting the tallest building in the world and the world’s largest shopping mall, and luxuriating by the pool at my five star hotel. And yes, I will send pictures! I know I shouldn’t be gloating, and I know I should be spending my time working on my book in preparation for my upcoming meeting with my literary agent, and I know it really pisses off poor-ass alcoholic drug addicted comedians when you tell them how much money you make, but when something like this happens, such as the $15,000 corporate show I did earlier this year in San Francisco, or dealing with the deluge of royalty checks from my Apple commercial ($22,000 so far and SAG health insurance, thank you), I just can’t help but think about all the people who told me (and still tell me) that I’m a hack, and that I shouldn’t be doing ethnic material, I’m a sellout, and so forth. And you know the best part? They found me on YouTube!  Yes, on YouTube, where one of my videos is approaching 800,000 views!  Funny, a lot of the comedians who were on Premium Blend or Live at Gotham post their clips, and guess what… they get fewer views in a year than I get in a day!  Why is that, do you think? Maybe it’s because the pablum that the industry forces down the throats of their viewers JUST. ISN’T. FUNNY!  That’s the beauty of the Internet – disintermediation – for you mental midgets that means that the middlemen such as managers and agents are becoming less and less important, because anybody can post anything on the Internet, and if it’s funny or entertaining, then by golly people will send it to each other! I can’t help but think about all the club bookers in New York that turned me down and continue to turn me down, about all the comedians who brag about their “credits” on Premium Blend, Live at Gotham, Jimmy Kimmel and Comics Unleashed who still have day jobs and drive hundreds of miles to their crappy occasional gigs that pay three digits and that get drunk and smoke weed after the shows and stay up till the early morning. I can’t help but think about the witty, clever New York comics who are passed at all the clubs, whom you can’t even recognize if you haven’t seen them in a year or two because they have aged so much…oh, the joy and the schadenfreude. I can’t help but think about the comic who made fun of my physical appearance from the stage when I didn’t even know him – yes, making fun of another comic - I thought that was verboten, whom I saw working in a crappy restaurant the other day and exhibiting a serious case of avoirdupois. I can’t help but think about a highly embonpoint female comic A who went into an apoplectic hysterical conniption fit because I dared to admonish her for talking loudly with her female comic friend B while I was on stage, and then being cautioned the next day by another female comic C who said that I should be “very careful” because “word travels fast”, and female comic A “has a lot of credits” and is “very connected in the industry”. Yes indeed, I’ll be reminiscing about all of this on the long plane ride to the Emirates… with a shit-eating grin on my face. Dan Nainan Comedian/Actor/Voiceover Artist/Computer Genius New York/Beverly Hills 212-414-2129 www.nainan.com Watch me perform for 4000 people, introduced by Tim Conway Check out my Apple commercial with Justin Long and John Hodgman Read my New York Times article about being a clean, green comedian

EMAIL #2:

Me, classy?  No, I’ll tell you who’s classy!

  City comics who:

  destroy themselves with drugs, alcohol, prescription drugs and cigarettes 

facilitate the murder of policemen, judges and other innocent victims all over the world by using illegal drugs 

sexually harass female comedians to the point where females don’t want to do comedy 

do rape jokes that they consider “clever” 

mercilessly pick on audience members for their physical attributes or race to the point where people don’t want to sit in the front or avoid comedy clubs altogether 

try and tell other comics what kind of material they should and shouldn’t be doing, based SOLELY on their own tastes (which is kind of like telling country and western musicians that they shouldn’t play country music), even though last time I checked, we live in a free country 

  Now, THEY have class!

EMAIL #3:

First of all, that e-mail wasn’t sent to you. It was sent to people who rejected me from performing in their clubs, or told me I would never go anywhere in comedy, or told me I’m a hack, etc.. Once in a while, I like to send e-mails like that out to people who fit that description, just to let them know how well I’m doing, and that my reality is brighter than their dreams.  I’m different from other comedians. I use their rejections as fuel, as motivation to reach even greater heights. Speaking of which, I noticed that you actually got 793 hits in three years on your best YouTube clip, and it seems to me that you don’t even have a webpage.  Impressive.  I get 793 hits in an less than an hour. One thing that is axiomatic – only “comedians” who have met with absolutely no success would write me such e-mails as you have… the proof is in the pudding. Check out this e-mail I sent to my buddy today…

It is now about midway through the day. Today, my six-figure stock portfolio is already up $2883.15. Your two homes have of course already increased in value. Today, I’m continuing to plan my upcoming and exciting trip to Dubai, and you are working deals for your movie. Today, Jessica Flores, Sven Wechsler, Jason Goode, Debbie Shea and Josh Homer, and many others like them who have had one credit on Comedy Central and who criticise other comedians for doing the comedy they do, got up at 7 AM and went to their miserable 9 to 5 jobs, where they’ll no doubt sit behind a computer screen and type out more vitriolic, corrosive and spiteful missives against comedians like you and me who actually make a living doing comedy.  I wallow in the schadenfreude, knowing that they will do the same thing everyday for the rest of their miserable lives. Vive la difference!!!!

EMAIL #4:

You call my bluff? How exactly? Every single thing I said is absolutely true and verifiable!  Your problem, like many of your ilk, is that you cannot conceive of somebody doing something outside the box, like making $15,000 for a corporate show, or $22,000 off a commercial, or $8000 in Dubai, without having the credits, without being passed in the city… but unfortunately you are completely wrong. 

  What you and the other comedians don’t realize is that by letting go of thinking that you have to worry about the clubs and the industry, you can actually reach greater success. I have helped several comedians more than double their income, but these are by far the exceptions.  99% of comedians are like you – they don’t believe it can be done, so therefore they doubt everything I’m saying. It’s really unfortunate.

  Well, if you want the honest truth, your material is quite good, but unfortunately as you know, at The Side Street Grill, any comedian, no matter how good or bad, will be handicapped by the fact that the owner (a very nice guy, by the way) doesn’t realize that you cannot have a bar in the same room as a comedy show, because people will be talking, which means other people can’t hear, which will destroy any comedy act. 

EMAIL #5:

You see, there you go!  First you say I’m lying about it all, and claim to be able to call my bluff then when it’s apparent that it’s true, then you say why would you go around telling people? Are you sure you’re not a chick?

  Again, the people I’m telling are the ones who said I would never get anywhere doing my material.  If I have a flaw, it’s that I want them to know that I have far surpassed anything they could possibly achieve.  My crimes are nothing compared to theirs… their offenses are far worse than mine. 

  For example this fat pig who rips on Dane Cook and ethnic comedy. Again, like musicians telling other musicians they shouldn’t be doing heavy metal or country or opera.  No, even worse than that, because she’s not even a comedian!  Amazing.

  http://www.stagetimemag.com/standup/?p=588

  To you, and to anyone else who doubts what I’m saying, here’s the proof, below.

  And now, fortunately or unfortunately depending on one’s point of view, I must bow out of this scintillating argument and get back to work making travel arrangements for my Dubai trip with my assistant.

  Good luck and Godspeed with whatever you do, and remember, don’t buy into what the other comedians say… because they’re wrong.

        Daniel Nainan

Professional Comedian/Voiceover Artist

www.nainan.com/212.414.2129

  This is a contract between Professional Comedian Daniel Nainan and Blade Network Technologies, which is holding an anniversary event at the Mountain Winery in Saratoga, California on Saturday, 20 February 2010.

  PARTICULARS.  Whereas Blade Network Technologies (hereinafter referred to as the Client) is retaining the services of Comedian Daniel Nainan (hereinafter referred to as the Comedian) on the day of Saturday, 20 February 2010.  The Comedian is to perform at the direction of the Client, and the sole compensation shall consist of $15,000 US dollars to be paid prior to the performance, to be paid as follows:  $7,500 US dollars as a deposit, to be paid via credit card immediately upon the signing of this contract by both parties, and the balance of $7,500 US dollars to be paid by credit card, anytime prior to the performance. 

  The Comedian shall be responsible for all travel-related expenses, including round-trip coach air transportation from Los Angeles to and from any Bay Area airport on Delta Airlines or Northwest Airlines, as well as hotel, rental car, transfers, tolls, taxes, gratuities, petrol, etc.. 

  The Comedian is to arrive at the Mountain Winery, 14831 Pierce Road, Saratoga, CA 95070 (hereinafter referred to as the Venue) no later than 5:00 pm on Saturday, 20 February 2010.  The Client shall provide a sound system consisting of a professional WIRED, NOT WIRELESS microphone as well as professional amplification such as speakers, PA system, etc. 

  As to the Client, on this date, 12 January 2010:

  CLIENT

  Sign:

Print:

Date:

  COMEDIAN:

  Sign: 

Print:  Daniel A. Nainan

Date:

            Dan Nainan

EMAIL #6:

You say you call my bluff, then I call yours by giving you proof… and then you say I’m psychotic, when in fact I was simply backing up what I stated. You’re the one who is psychotic… I’m sure like all the others your brain is addled by years of drugs and alcohol.

  I know that you’re trying to put together an e-mail that consists of a sequence of letters that will somehow bother me in some way, but you’ve highly mistaken - in fact, I must thank you, because this is the fodder I use to motivate myself to even greater heights!

  Another thing that every vitriolic e-mail from ragamuffins like you has in common… you don’t know how to spell your own language!

  No, unfortunately, statistically, the chance of my plane crashing is less than 1/1000 the chance of you crashing your car on the way to your next crappy $50 road gig, all of which of course will be consumed by your copious budget for cigarettes and alcohol.

  As I lean my first class seat into its reclining position and dine on filet mignon, I’ll be thinking about you and all the others failed comedians like you, and grinning broadly.

  And now, like an elephant lazily swatting at a gnat buzzing around its ear… begone!

EMAIL #7:

By the way, do you know the sad irony of all this?

  99% of comedians choose the path you’ve chosen, that of scorn, derision, vitriol. 1% recognize the value of what I’m doing, and contact me to try to learn from me… and I help them in measurably with their comedy careers.

  When I find someone who’s doing what I want to do, I do whatever I can to learn from them… not tear them down.

EMAIL #8:

How long does it take you to earn $15,000, which I’ve earned in one show?  How long will it take you to earn that much in your entire comedy “career”? I’d be willing to bet you’ll never make that much from comedy in your entire life.

  I’ll make a bet that 1800 dollars, which is how much I’ve earned from CD and DVD sales from one show, is more than you will make in your entire life doing comedy.

  I’ll make a wager with you and your pathetic comedy friends. Put me up on the show, with you, and/or any of your loser comedy friends, in front of a real audience, not a bunch of pathetic loser comics, and I’ll get more laughs than any of you, and I’ll put up any amount of money, in cash, to back it up.

EMAIL #9:

I thought I would show you some was cool pictures from my trip.

  Here’s what first class looks like on an airplane, with luxurious recliner seats  – too bad you will never know what that feels like.

    Here’s the dessert cart on the plane after a sumptuous meal of filet mignon so tender I could cut it with a fork – too bad you will never know what that tastes like.

    Here’s the exterior of my five star hotel in Dubai – too bad you’ll never know what looks like.

    Here’s the lobby of my five star hotel in Dubai – too bad you’ll never experience anything so magnificent.

    Here’s but one of the three rooms in my $500 per night hotel suite that my client paid for – too bad you’ll never stay in a room this amazing.  Wait a minute – what’s that I see on the bed? Read on…

    Here’s a pile of cash on my big, luxurious bed in the hotel suite – that’s the rest of my payment, after the client already wired me my deposit before I even got on the flight – too bad you’ll never earn that much in your whole sorry comedy “career”, not to mention that you’ll never hold that much money in your hand in your whole life HAHAHAHAHA!

  EMAIL #10:

It’s amazing to me that some comedians can do more in a less than two weeks than most comedians do in a whole year!   I started off the year with a bang, with a week at a fantastic comedy club in Las Vegas, along with free room, and unlimited meals 24 hours a day!  During the day, I attended the Consumer Electronics Show (CES), got to see some old friends at the Intel booth, and appeared live on MSNBC with Dylan Ratigan.  Of course the MSNBC folks found me because of a Washington Post article I was in, which got picked up by newspapers around the world as well as NPR, Associated Press, Huffington Post, etc. - just one of hundreds of articles I’ve been in recently!    Here’s my MSNBC appearance:   http://msnbc.msn.com/id/31510813/ns/msnbc_tv-the_dylan_ratigan_show#40954553   Then, I flew to Atlanta for a sold-out show (where I was paid $2000 and sold $280 worth of CDs and DVDs) at this beautiful theater!   While I was in Vegas, I got a call from a corporate client in Dubai who had seen my YouTube video, my second show in Dubai from clients who saw me on YouTube.   Two days after Atlanta, I was on the way to the United Arab Emirates, and I flew in business class with a nice flat bed, with a stopover in Paris on the way out and Amsterdam on the way back.  The event was held at the beautiful Emirates Golf Club, and I made $5,000!  Here’s a shot from the top of the tallest building in the world, the Burj Khalifa, on the 124th floor observation deck.   After Dubai, it was back to New York for a private party on Long Island ($2000).    A producer from MSNBC flew out to have dinner with me to discuss my upcoming episodes on that channel, which will start airing in February.    On Thursday I flew to Hong Kong, and I was in first class with a flat bed again, on the top deck of the 747, which is like a private jet with their own galley and flight attendants!  I dined on filet mignon followed by a chocolate sundae with the works!   Saturday night I performed at a lavish anniversary party in Hong Kong for a billionaire client (I made $10,000, or roughly $333.33 per minute!).     Check out the street in Hong Kong, it looks like something out of "Inception”!   Now I’m at a five-star hotel in beautiful Phuket, Thailand, where it’s 90 degrees!  Thursday, it’s off to Koh Phi Phi, where they filmed “The Beach”.    The shows around the world keep rolling in - in addition to the usual bevy of gigs in the States, I’ve got shows in Bangladesh, Pakistan, Singapore, Malaysia, Trinidad and elsewhere upcoming!!   Life is good!   I’m still trying to get booked at comedy clubs in New York City for $25 spots, but having no luck, and trying to get a manager or agent to pay attention to me but not having any success - won’t you please help?  J   Oh well, off to the beach!!!

EMAIL #11:

  One of my fans alerted me to your tweet about “debunking myths”.  First of all, thanks for increasing my Google hits with the Egypt hash tag. 

  Second, there are no “myths”.  Everything I have said is completely 100 percent true and verifiable.  Just because you make a few phone calls (now there is a good use of your time) and no one has heard of me, means absolutely nothing.  The greatest thing about my career is that I’ve done all this by myself, without the traditional drug infested infrastructure of managers, agents, $25 spots at New York comedy clubs, or Comedy Central.  I will make a wager with you – put up any amount of money you care to, $100, $1000, $10,000, even $100,000 – I will make a bet that I can prove everything that I’m saying is true.

  Let me tell you about yesterday.  I woke up in my five-star hotel in St. Louis, had a sumptuous breakfast, then, seeing Apple was down three points, invested $6000 in a put option on the stock. 

  Then, I wrote an article for a newspaper that’s covering one of my upcoming shows in March, responded to two other reporters who were doing stories on me, and worked on my blog for my new show on MSN. 

  Then, I went off to the athletic complex on campus, and had a fantastic workout and a swim.

  Over a magnificent lunch, noticing Apple was down seven points, I used my iPad to sell the put option for $7700, a tidy profit of $1700 for a total of five minutes’ work. 

  Then, I took a nice nap.  After I woke up, I got a phone call from San Jose from a nice lady at a company that’s holding a big event in Las Vegas.  I quoted her my standard corporate rate of $15,000.  If I get this gig, which I’m pretty sure I will, that means I have to fly to Vegas during my two-week, five show ($5000) stay in Trinidad, do the show in Vegas and then hop on a redeye back to Trinidad to make my last weekend of shows there.

  I was picked up at my hotel by two of the students, and went to do my show, where I performed to a packed house, absolutely killed, and pocketed $6000.

  On March 3, while you’re doing your crappy unpaid show at the Zinc Bar, I’m going to be performing at one of the most prestigious venues in the country in Washington DC and earning $5000.  While you are making $50 at the Brokerage, I’ll be jetting off to Trinidad and earning $5000 plus all of my expenses will be taken care of.  I have upcoming shows in Pakistan, Bangladesh, Singapore, Malaysia, Indonesia andIndia, the latter with fun detours through Moscow, Dubai (where I have already done two shows for a total of $13,000), Doha Qatar and Colombo Sri Lanka.  And you’re going as far as Gloversville – that’s impressive.

  Checked out your YouTube channel – your most viewed comedy clip is a bringer show that has 843 views in four years, and your most viewed clip isn’t even you – it’s some bum on the subway!  And let’s see, a white guy breaking down rap lyrics, that’s really original, oh no, that is not hack at all!  And can you make your setups any longer?

  Go ahead, have fun with your circle jerk of loser Village comics.  Spend all your time talking about how horrible Larry the Cable Guy is.

  http://vimeo.com/14618639

EMAIL #12:

Greetings:

I sold out my three shows last week in Singapore, including two theater shows and another at the extremely exclusive Tanglin private club for movers and shakers in Singapore… I had a couple days off so I took the ferry to Bintan, Indonesia for some magnificent and invigorating beach time… then flew to Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia where I sold another show on Monday night of all things, then it was back to Singapore for a 5:50 AM flight (first class, of course, with the usual sumptuous filet mignon) Tuesday morning to San Francisco, landing 9 AM the same day thanks to the international date line!

I just absolutely destroyed last night at my corporate function at a retreat with Google in Pebble Beach – they actually gave me a standing ovation (not to mention $10,000 - yikes)!  The CEO of Patagonia spoke as well, and he absolutely loved my act.  Now it’s a day of relaxation and bike riding among the most beautiful areas in the world.

Tomorrow, it’s a relaxing train ride to Los Angeles with a private bedroom, then I perform on Saturday night alongside Mayor Villaraigosa at an attorneys’ convention.

Life doesn’t get much better than this! 

Dan

          Dan Nainan Comedian/Actor/Voiceover Artist/Computer Expert New York/Beverly Hills 212-414-2129 www.nainan.com

  This e-mail was not typed, but dictated using Dragon NaturallySpeaking 11.0 – ask me about this incredible speech recognition software!

EMAIL #13:

Every time I have a victory I think about you guys…you provide me with tremendous motivation…I owe you a world of thanks. Last night as I was being introduced, I had tears of joy in my eyes…it was incredible…$10,000 just to talk for 45 minutes, in a beautiful resort…what a crazy business this is. How sad that you will never experience anything like this, even tho you could. Sent from my ridiculously overpriced iPad 2 EMAIL #14:

  I am merely the pond that reflects the oncoming stone.  I’m only mean to people who are mean to me, or turn me down, or call me a hack… as you recall your initial contact with me was extremely hostile.  My only crime is that I want people to know what I’m doing, because I don’t have the TV credits.

  For every chump like you, there are many who contact me for advice – comedy has been fantastic to me and as a result I feel the obligation to give back.  You can’t possibly imagine how many aspiring comedians I have helped.  There’s so much you don’t know about this business that you could, but you and your buddies are so closed off and you think you know everything – you know too much but not enough - you are unteachable.  Fine – less competition for me.

  I see all of the petty stuff you and your friends post online – I have to laugh, because it only spreads my stuff even more – for crying out loud, they’re posting links to my video!  What better publicity could anyone ask for?

  And you do these “investigations” and conclude that no one has ever heard of me, so therefore I’m making all this up – that’s because you know only what you know from the traditional military/industrial complex of the industry and the $25 club spots – you can’t possibly conceive of the fact that somebody could be doing something outside of the box, without the traditional gatekeepers.  Ever heard of something called the Internet?  My bookings in Singapore and Malaysia last week, and Dubai, Hong Kong, Trinidad, Tobago earlier this year, and India, Japan, Aruba, Netherlands, South Africa and elsewhere, have all came about because of my YouTube and my Internet presence, not because of some chimp like Roger Paul or Jason Steinberg.  Steinberg tried for a year to get me to sign with him – yeah right, pay him 15 percent of a $15,000 corporate show that he didn’t even get me, just so he can get me on Craig Ferguson.  Please.

  Have fun driving hundreds of miles to your crappy spots in beautiful Pennsylvania.

EMAIL #15:

Whatever dude…sitting in a room of 200 google employees, about to receive an award for my performance last nite…in a beautiful hotel, in Pebble Beach…in < 6 months I’ve already earned my goal for the year…everything from now til December is gravy….nothing u can say can hurt me.  

EMAIL #16: You’ll never fly first class in ur life.  

EMAIL #17: Now the employees are coming up and saying they loved my show  

EMAIL #18: $10,000 buddy.  $10,000!  

EMAIL #19: PS I’m writing a chapter in my book about u and ur buddies  

EMAIL #20: …dining on filet mignon so tender I could cut it with a fork! (here, he literally sent me a 10 second video of himself eating stuck and actually cutting it with a fork. He’s a psychopath)

EMAIL #21: (here, i sent him this for the second time http://www2.guardian.co.tt/entertainment/2011/03/15/nothing-much-laugh)Touché – you got me – guilty as charged.  I totally forgot about that – put it out of my mind.  That’s what a winner does after a small defeat – pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and keep going.  I stuck with it, got some of the other comedians’ advice as well as the producers, and did five more shows in the islands (with a $10,000 show at the MGM Grand in Las Vegas in between – I got to fly through Curaçao and Miami on the way out, did the event in Vegas and got right on a redeye to go back to Trinidad) and got $6000 US for the Trinidad shows and got to stay on the beach in Tobago.

EMAIL #22:

My mistake.  For some reason I thought you were talking about some gig in the States.   This is the only bad review of many positive ones.  I can live with it.

  As a former senior Intel engineer, I’m highly mathematically minded… I can remember how much I got for every show this year.

EMAIL #23:

Funny, I hear this ugly thing from people like you all the time – but fortunately, it is not bitter, angry male comedians to whom I’m trying to appeal.  I’m quite happy with the women I’ve managed to date.

I see a parallel – angry comedians like you tell me I’m not funny, and yet I’m traveling the world doing comedy and you’re not.  Interesting, isn’t it?

Speaking of going to websites, how long did it take you to find that article about me in Trinidad?  I mean that took a lot of searching - I would think time would be at a premium for you having a child and wife to feed.  You don’t have the luxury of time, my friend, with your day job.

But then again, perhaps you do, because you’re just sitting at a desk, bored to tears which gives you time to do whatever you wish on the Internet.  Are you a receptionist, like Mr. Josh Homer who rails against hack comedians but does hack material himself (and then defends himself by saying “That was years ago”? 

Funny thing about Mr. Homer, isn’t it – he’s so full of advice about what kind of material other comedians should and shouldn’t do, yet he himself has to have a day job as well.  Then when one presses him about the fact that he’s not earning any money doing comedy, he goes on and on about how his focus is on bringing up his child.  Interesting rationalization, isn’t it?

EMAIL #24:

My mistake – it went around Facebook.  Magnificent.  More people talking about me online, more hits, more views of my videos, which leads to more work.  My posting about me, you bitter, angry comics are actually lining my wallet.  Thank you, and thank you for my accountant.

  I googled “Nainan” and “booed”, it’s number five actually.  Negative reviews are part of the job.  If I’m getting reviewed in newspapers, then that’s a good thing, good or bad.  Look at this one –  Chris Martin reacted so graciously to this, he said “They’re right”.

  http://www.nytimes.com/2005/06/05/arts/music/05pare.html 

  Was under the impression you had a wife and kid, my mistake.  It must be tough to meet women when you’re losing your hair in your 20s.

  Sorry, I don’t pay for it – don’t have to.  I couldn’t live with myself if I paid for it, couldn’t stand the thought of being with someone who’s been with so many men, and there is the disease to think about.  I don’t even like going to strip clubs.  Not my milieu.  Although I have dated two Playboy models…have you?  Not bad for an ugly guy, eh?

EMAIL #25:

Well, when I was hanging out with Robert, he mentioned Rodney Dangerfield, who was dead.

  Do not believe everything Mr. Brill tells you.  He was perfectly nice to me until he found out I was opening for Robert – which took me two years to attain, something which took him 15 or 20 years to attain.  I did all the major clubs with Robert around the country.  And I have it on videotape, as well as numerous radio interviews with him. 

  Robert invited me to do Carolines with him, and Mr. Brill was incensed about this and started spreading lies about me.  He actually got so upset about it that Carolines actually came and took money out of my hand that they had already given me because he put up a stink and said that he should’ve gotten the hosting money.  We are talking about something like $40.  And yet he brags about how much money he makes.  Interesting.

  I am not banned from every club in the US, or for any of that matter.  For example, I did Brad Garrett comedy club the first week of this year.  The reason I don’t sign up for clubs is that if I do, inevitably somebody will come in with a $5,000-$15,000 show and then I will have to cancel, which will upset the club greatly, so I have had to decline club dates.

EMAIL #26:

Here’s the bottom line, pal.  I use the negativity from you and your buddies to motivate me to greater heights, as I said.  That’s the only use I have for you.

Whatever you or your buddies think of my comedy is immaterial and insignificant.  Robert Schimmel asked me to be his feature act after I had been doing comedy for only TWO YEARS.  Bob Saget saw me perform at the Laugh Factory and asked me to perform with him for the entire weekend, and I had only been doing comedy for two years and four months at that point.  You see video of Tim Conway introducing me online, and he told me I was fantastic.

Below you can see all kinds of luminaries introducing me and complimenting my comedy.  Now whose opinion do you think I care more about, people like this, or people like you who can’t even make a living from comedy?

Here are some video testimonials by the following: 

Vijay Amritraj, Grand Slam tennis player 

Dr. Sanjay Gupta, CNN 

Andy Grove, Chairman Emeritus, Intel Corporation 

Susan Candiotti, CNN correspondent 

Howard Dean, former presidential candidate and chairman, DNC 

Mike Honda, US Congressman, San Jose, CA 

Russell Peters, world’s #1 South Asian comedian 

Antonio Villaraigosa, Mayor, Los Angeles 

Tim Conway, Actor 

John Tesh, Actor 

Connie Selleca, Actor 

http://www.vimeo.com/10266761

EMAIL #27:

Just remember this, buddy – I can make more in one show then you and all of your friends have earned combined in yourentire lives from comedy!  Oh but I’m nowhere near as funny as you, simply because I don’t do the type of comedy that you approve of!  Such brilliant logic!

  You know what you are?  You’re like some fat crap who plays football on the weekends for fun telling a backup quarterback in the NFL who makes the league minimum of $310,000 that he can’t play football right.  Certainly I’m not the $15,000,000 starter, but for crying out loud, I’m making a living at this and you aren’t.  

EMAIL #28:

By the way, I’ll answer one of your questions.  YouTube hits are important, because unlike the pablum that the industry force-feeds down the throats of viewers, people actually like my video, and they forward it to others.  So it’s completely organic and viral.  In other words, people forward it to other people, because it is funny and entertaining.  Your friends who put their TV appearances on YouTube watch them crash and burn quickly - so this proves that they’re not funny.

  As I’ve mentioned, my YouTube video has gotten me booked all over the United States and the globe for high-paying shows.  What do the TV credits get your friends?  Hosting spots at Wisecrackers in Scranton, Pennsylvania?  Unbelievable.

  And what do you mean by my “horribly edited video”?  It hasn’t been edited at all – it’s 25 minutes straight - no cuts whatsoever – so you’re seeing exactly as it happened.

EMAIL #29:

Are you sure you’re writing to the right person? 

I KNOW what I’m saying is funny.  Simply because this is how I make my living.  Do you think people would pay me $15,000 if I were not funny?  Just as I mentioned – the second string quarterback on an NFL team, who earns about the same as I do – obviously he’s a good enough quarterback because he gets paid to throw a football.  And I have miles and miles of videotape to prove it. 

Check out me and Robert Schimmel on stage together all over the country, and me killing it in theaters, clubs, corporate events in the United States of America – and hear Robert talking about me at length.  Let me guess, next thing you want to say is that these are all faked, right?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Sj0UzOCycuU

You’ve heard “stories” of me walking off stage?  Of getting booed off the stage?  This has never happened to me.  Maybe it happens to “cringe” comics like yourself that do childish gross out humor and rape jokes, but not me - in fact, do you know that in eight years of doing comedy, I have never, ever been heckled – not once?

You’re so wrapped up in self-deception that you and your friends invent stories like this that are completely untrue.  Is that what you have to resort to, making up stories?  You are truly pathetic!  And you make a few phone calls, and nobody in the industry has ever heard of me, so that proves again that everything I’m saying is a lie?  Just because you can’t be successful at something, then other people, just because they don’t follow the normal rules?

What link to what story?  You never sent me any link.  A story about me being booed off the stage?  Never happened.

And once again, my video is NOT edited.  I am happy that you and your friends are pumping up my view count, though.  Thank you very much.

I’m writing this from a four-star luxury hotel in Los Angeles.  I’m about to go on stage in front of 800 people at a major event, with all kinds of luminaries, including the mayor of Los Angeles, who has seen me before as you know.  You are performing at Mike’s Meat House.  Absolutely freaking hilarious.

EMAIL #30: Performing for 10,000 people Saturday!  

EMAIL #31:

I just want to set the record straight about Eddie Brill.

After I had been doing comedy for a about a year, I took his class at Gotham.  He was highly, highly critical of my material, and I was devastated.  He said that my doughnut joke was very offensive, when in fact it’s a true story, and it’s the joke that gets people to burst out laughing, quite often with applause breaks, a few minutes into my set, and it elevates my set to a whole another level.  But fair enough, that’s what I paid for when I took this class I guess.  I have friends who have gotten his “advice” who were so disappointed and crestfallen, they were so so considering quitting comedy.  One of them has gone on to appear on Craig Ferguson.  I guess he must be funny enough for that show.

After I took the class, I introduced myself to Eddie, and he seemed very nice.

That completely changed when he found out I was touring with Robert Schimmel.  Now just to reiterate, I won the open mic contest at the DC Improv in April 2003, after having done comedy for less than a year and a half.  By the way, I only had one person in the crowd cheering for me, a first date, and all the other comics had brought people to cheer them on, and yet I won, fair and square.

By virtue of having won the contest, I received the opportunity to host for the headliner of my choice.  I chose Robert, and when I performed with him, I asked him if it would be all right if I could open for him at his shows in Honolulu in December, since his regular feature couldn’t make it there.  He said it would be fine if it was all right with the producers down there.  I found out Paul Ogata was on the show, and I phoned him up, since he knew I had been on his radio program, and he said yes.

Robert finally got to see my whole set, and when I came off stage, he said “That was great!"  Next thing you know, he, his wife, his baby and I hung out the whole time in Hawaii, and afterward we got back to the mainland, his wife sent me an e-mail telling me that Robert wanted me to be his feature act from then on, starting in January of 2004.  At her instruction, I called up all of the clubs to let them know this, and I featured for Robert at some of the greatest clubs in the country, including a whole bunch of Improvs, Comedy Works in Denver, Comedy Connection in Boston, etc.  I paid for all of the flights to do these shows.

Now when it came time to perform at Carolines in New York, as I mentioned, Eddie Brill was absolutely incensed that I got paid hosting money, even though I did host, and they came and took money out of my hand to get give to Eddie because he was so furious.  To add insult to injury, he went around telling everybody that I wasn’t touring with Robert, and that it was all a lie.  Can you believe that?  Some comedians are so bitter, angry and jealous, that they actually deny the truth and go around spreading lies and falsehoods to other bitter, angry comedians to make themselves feel better.  I’m sure you know a number of comedians like that.  Like, really, really well.

After I started touring with Russell, that’s why started getting booked on high-paying shows that (at the time) were making me as much as $2000.  I was still in somewhat friendly terms with Eddie (he had the freaking NERVE to ask out a girl that I brought to the Carolines show - probably to deflect attention from the fact that he’s clearly gay) and he told me that there was no way I could possibly be making $2000 at my "level” - having done comedy for three years.  Again, he was completely in denial.

You see, he is just a bitter, angry comedian like the rest of them.  It says in his biography that he’s been doing comedy since 1984 (the truth is that he started even before then), so that’s (according to him) 27 years of doing comedy?  No wonder he was so bitter and upset and in denial about a comedian who got to perform with Robert after LESS THAN TWO YEARS of doing comedy - how long did it take him to reach such a milestone?  15 years?  20 years?   Eddie takes out his anger and bitterness on other comedians by lording over them, telling them that they’re not good enough, which makes him feel better.

After the Carolines debacle, I got a call from Brad Trackman about some other business, and he told me that there was somebody going around saying that I was making it all up about touring with Robert.  Somebody really really important and influential in the industry, whose name he did not want to give.  I told him I knew it was Eddie, and I played him a voicemail from Robert telling me that he thought my act was getting better and better, and he was looking forward to performing with me in Tempe, and Brad was blown away. 

When we got to Arizona, Robert took me to his parents’ house, where we had dinner and hung out.  He also had me appear on a couple of radio shows in Phoenix, as he generously did on every single radio appearance he did around country.  For one of the radio appearances, he was so tired that he was actually kind enough to send me to represent the both of us.  In fact, I’m attaching an MP3 file with one of the many dozens of radio interviews he took me on around the country.

So let’s see, one of the top comedians of all time asked me to be his future act, at comedy clubs around the country, and put me on radio stations, and had me meet his manager in Beverly Hills – so I ask you once again, whose opinion should I put more weight on about whether I’m a good comedian or not – his, or yours, and your buddies who perform at Morty’s Comedy Joint?

I’m really, really curious to hear what rationalizations you’ll respond with.  That I doctored that whole radio interview, as well as all of the other interviews I have, with Robert?  That it’s wrong for me to say that I toured with Robert because he passed away tragically?  Well, Robert would always talk about the fact that Rodney Dangerfield gave him a start, even though Rodney Dangerfield passed away.

Here’s the icing on the cake – I perform at the Calgary Comedy Festival in Canada, usually every year.  One year Eddie shoehorned himself into that Festival, as he does in many such events, by throwing his considerable weight around and talking about how he’s the booker for David Letterman.  I was scheduled for the big show of the event, on a Saturday night, and for the largest audience, and Eddie said that he had already seen me and didn’t need to see me again, and of course the producer, who was kissing his fat ass and quaking in his boots, struck me from the show.  And you know what’s ironic?  Every single other comic was doing nothing but filthy, disgusting rape humor, even though they were performing for the booker for David Letterman, and I would’ve brought the house down.

EMAIL #32:

Holy cow!  I quoted $15,000 for a show in Detroit (yes, that’s in America), and a chiseled me “down” to $10,000.  Here’s the 50 percent deposit!  Golly! 

Also got booked in Ojai, at a five-star resort that costs $500 a night (of course the client is paying for my room), $4500.  That’s in California, in America.  As well as a college in Dallas, $3400, last time I checked, that’s in the United States of America.  As well as a wedding in Kansas, in the good old US of A, $5000.  Followed by a show at the nearby FBI office in Nebraska, also in America.   I’m off to do a convention in Las Vegas tomorrow, $12,500.  Las Vegas is in Nevada, in the United States of America.    Saturday I’m in Orlando delivering the keynote speech in the afternoon, then performing comedy at night, at another convention.  Orlando is in Florida, in the United States of America.   In October I’m doing a performance at a charity gala for $2000 in Chicago.  Chicago is in America.  Not to mention another charity performance in Cleveland for $2000, which is in America as well. So you see, not everything I do is outside of the US – in fact, 95 percent of my shows are stateside. 

Although I just did get booked in Dubai in November – $6000! 

Sure beats hosting at Morty’s Comedy Joint, doesn’t it?  hAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

EMAIL #33:

Greetings from Orlando, where I am about to perform for 1000 people at a convention.

Thursday night at Bally’s in Las Vegas, I got paid $12,500 plus $500 travel budget plus $220 CD and DVD sales.  That is more than you’ll earn in your entire comedy “career”!  Hahahaha!

Have fun at your $50 gig! 

EMAIL #34:

(and he just sent me this last one which put it over the edge for me. There is no way in heck that he didn’t write that last part himself…)

This says it all, pal - a best-selling author and corporate speaker (who makes $50,000 a speech) is recommending me to all 40 of his agents!  Are you kidding me?

  Oh wait, I wish I could host at Stitches in Lancaster Pennsylvania instead!  HAHAHAHAHAHA!

  Cc: 'Dan Nainan, Comedian’

 Subject: A talent you should be aware of

Good Afternoon,

  I just finished a two-day program for XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX in Las Vegas and was also asked to MC … which allowed me the opportunity to get to watch some of the entertainment they hired for the event.

One person who did an excellent job and received a standing ovation was comedian Dan Nainan.  

 In simple terms … he was REALLY good and best of all his material was CLEAN. I got to spend some time with him and found him to be extremely personable and somebody you could feel safe and proud to recommended to your clients … so I thought I would drop you a quick note an introduce Dan to you.  

 I asked Dan to forward me his contact information and some links so you can take a look at him. (Below)  

 He has one clip on YouTube that has over 1 million hits … so I think you will be impressed.  

 He also has an extremely interesting business background and will be developing some programs for business keynotes. He was a direct assistant to Andy Grove (CEO of Intel) and traveled around the world with him putting on presentations for clients.   

 Give Dan a look … I think you will find him a talent you will want to represent.