:/

There’s a guilty pleasure in our nonverbal communication, but it stops there, we’ve been good about boundaries. I’m proud of us, I really am. 

Nothing quite like needing to defend your own intellect to yourself because your ability to comprehend basic things has been challenged your entire life even though you spend 99% of the time thinking and thinking and thinking about thinking and analyzing and criticizing and working and thinking etc.

yay spiraling from a small misstep is always fun. like that one time I thought one teacher was a different teacher in Hs because they both were tall lanky wore square glasses and had the same hair hahaha it happened in 2009 and I still have nightmares about it to this day weeeewww

and then you just sit, paralyzed, in a state of contradictions and catches because the SECOND you put yourself out there and make a mistake you lose your damn mind and any shred of self esteem comes tumbling down in a melodramatic and frankly pathetic fashion.

anyways I made a dumb throwaway tiktok using the socko audio from Bo Burnham’s song in his Inside special and someone called me out for “not understanding the bit” which I got defensive about cause I’m a self proclaimed Marxist and I work very hard to be as anti-racist etc as I can be.

So after first off being condescending as hell which is super hypocritical of me and plays into the entire point of what they were saying, I reached out to apologize and ask them if they were willing to talk to me about what they meant.

Turns out while I understood the bit, my brain didn’t connect the fact that BECAUSE of the layers in the power structure he’s commenting on, I shouldn’t be using the clip out of context as a white person.

This all honestly feels like virtue signaling olympics and I’ll be honest a part of me feels like people take this shit way too seriously, but I do understand this person felt a lot of frustration and pain and ultimately they were right to call me out.

Even though I genuinely meant no harm, my behavior was still harmful. I can’t deny someone else’s experience. Theres also no way I could have understood that point without confronting my own ignorance. I’d by lying if I said this shit doesn't exhaust me. Making any mistakes at all and ESPECIALLY getting attention while making a mistake like this is actually one of my worst nightmares.

In my rational mind I know it’s not that big of a deal and my video didn’t actually get that big, it just got more attention than any of my videos have ever gotten. I also literally pinned a disclaimer to the comments in my video explaining why it’s harmful and inappropriate for me to be using this audio so other people wouldn’t make the same mistake. So I did everything you’re supposed to do when you make a mistake. Confront your own ignorance, look at the issue with empathy and openness instead of defensiveness and self preservation, apologize, do your best to repair and lessen the harm, create an example so others who encounter it won’t do what you’ve done, etc.

But you know me, my inside voice is an abuser. That’s not that users problem or anyone’s problem but my own, which is why I’m venting on my blog no one ever sees and not on tiktok or Facebook or wherever. here’s some screen shots of me trying to not be such a dumb ignorant asshole

Bills past due, crippling debt, a weird ear infection that wont go away?

Yea I really made it. 

In the caption she wrote in all caps ARE YOU RESPONDING TO THE PRESENT OR THE PAST? and then included three heart emojis. 

I commented (among only like 34 comments so far? wild on account of the 2,173 likes), I’m hyperfixating on an old jaded writer who I will never meet because he’s my karmic type (insert peace hand gesture here) happy eclipse season everyone!

oop I might just fuck around read this dudes entire blog and then idk find another hyperfixation. Gotta follow the dopamine. 

Damn this rabbit hole goes deep though. Like how actually far down does it go? I’m ready to find out. I have my figurative flashlight strapped to my head. Let’s go spelunking.