Salmon

iron lung, eh?

nice to meet you, 1166

I'm Thane of every hold in Skyrim, but all the Jarls hate my guts. They call me a miserable wretch and then offer me the nicest house in the city. I personally assassinated the Emperor, brought him back as a zombie and successfully negotiated a peace treaty with his generals while he wandered around the room snarling and moaning. I've gotten married to every single eligible bachelor and bachelorette in the country and they keep saying yes even though my previous spouses all died mysteriously while getting hit in the head with my enchanted war hammer. I'm pretty sure my horse is a daedra.

Everybody says the elder scrolls are powerful artifacts from before the dawn of time that have been lost to history, but I have two of them in my backpack next to my collection of severed witch heads and a couple of pies. The pies are a treat for my adopted children whom I love with all my heart, I haven't seen them in a while because I forgot which of my mansions I left them in. I have pledged my immortal soul to five different daedric princes.

I'm a serial killer. I'm a legendary hero. I'm an abomination in the eyes of gods, men and mer. I'm a delivery boy.