Passion. Ambition. Belief.

I scoffed! “Why have you gone and bought an AC?!” Do we REALLY need it? How much was it?!”

None of my questions answered - just a momentary loving glare.

“Ugh why does he spend so much money on random things”. His own money. For me. Our kids. Never ever made me feel like I cannot ever purchase and experience the things I need or want. This AC that would irk me so much in its box was finally set up in our room before his trip away from us. “ I set it up because the next few days will be very hot!” He told me. He left for London - a trip always deserved. I might shout and bawl as if I hate it when he goes away but secretly I’m pleased that he is getting a break from the routine of home life. Praying that he comes back refreshed to be able to deal with my constant voice.

And of course, it was at that moment that a grave sickness took over me. My body - breaking, my nose- blocked, my throat - swallowing glass, my head - pounding. My kids - the same. Coughing and spluttering everywhere so they were. And in the heat, the harshness of the sickness was made worse until we stepped into the room with the AC…

He was thinking about us, for us, to help us and each time I cool down next to this AC it’s as if his love enveloped me. My kids more calm and happy out of this harsh warmth, my sanity eased. Alhumdulillah ya Rabb.

Edgar Albert Guest  

When things go wrong, as they sometimes will, when the road you're trudging seems all uphill, when the funds are low and the debts are high, and you want to smile but you have to sigh, when care is pressing you down a bit - rest if you must, but don't you quit.

Life is queer with its twists and turns. As everyone of us sometimes learns. And many a fellow turns about when he might have won had he stuck it out. Don't give up though the pace seems slow - you may succeed with another blow. Often the goal is nearer than it seems to a faint and faltering man;

Often the struggler has given up when he might have captured the victor's cup; and he learned too late when the night came down, how close he was to the golden crown.

After all of the fake smiles, the 'happiness' I displayed

My soul bereft of the sanity I conveyed

I'm not happy, I'm depressed

Empty, I'm not the best version me.

I turned to God who informed so divinely,

this is what was meant to be.

was meant for me

So I wait, as patiently

as one can be.

An empty vessel has nothing to give

But the glass is always half full so we realise this:

that an empty vessel can atleast be filled.

"Choose wisely" he said, because your ego can be killed.

Lost, I found myself.

Guided, He found me.

Rather, I found Him

Not me, rather His mercy.

I'm here.

But still upset,

I turned to Him and asked, okay what next?

Maybe I'm not there yet.

Where I should be.

My mind overcome with all the difficulties

Of this world, Irry how can you be

Anywhere near sorrow when you're alive and healthy.

“Whenever they are attending to the Enemy Himself we are defeated, but there are ways of preventing them from doing so. The simplest is to turn their gaze away from Him towards themselves. Keep them watching their own minds and trying to produce feelings there by the action of their own wills. When they meant to ask Him for charity, let them, instead, start trying to manufacture charitable feelings for themselves and not notice that this is what they are doing. When they meant to pray for courage, let them really be trying to feel brave. When they say they are praying for forgiveness, let them be trying to feel forgiven. Teach them to estimate the value of each prayer by their success in producing the desired feeling; and never let them suspect how much success or failure of that kind depends on whether they are well or ill, fresh or tired, at the moment.”

Just last month, it was made apparent to me to not rely on my own actions. “I’m not close to Allah because my actions aren’t good enough...” or “ I’ll be fine because I’ve prayed for it or I’ve fasted or whatever..” - Such statements begged the challenge: where is my reliance - is it upon my actions or my Lord? Although the prescribed actions are important, I was told that one must realise Allah’s mercy is far greater. This segment from The Screwtape Letters truly resonated with me since, for years, I had felt at a spiritual low because I deemed my actions to be too inconsistent to achieve any closeness to Allah. This thought meant that instead of being able to change myself, I ended up walking even further away from Him yet in a constant state of worry and unease. Mental. “But Allah loves you and if Allah loves you He puts you in those situations that are most beloved to Him i.e. with your head on the ground.” I wanted to walk back towards Allah - I wanted to be in the states that He loved me to be in. So I sought to pray more. And with the simple change in thinking my actions became more consistent. No longer did I trust in my actions, my trust was in Him. “Lord, Let me sincerely want You, so if in the state of prayer is where you will love me then let me endeavour to never miss one and I trust that you will make me better and help me come closer to You”

Some actions cut much deeper than others, like the difference between those silver knives they gave us in school and the steak knives we are used to in our more advanced years. As such, some of the cuts take longer to heal and some even scar. Nevertheless, even the scars heal, but the remnants never really go away and there is nothing that you can do about it.

There are also those other actions that have a sweet scent to them, like applying oudh. Those, the fragrance of which lingers momentarily like a lonely stranger at a bus stop, and others the fragrance clings to you for days, enveloping you in its sweetness till it finally disappears. The oil may leave your skin moisturised but the scent vanishes.

To get rid of the bad, takes a great effort. Like that scar which never goes away but rather you learn to live with it, to function around it. You apply as much soothing scent as you can, as a distraction, a comfort, a love.

The scarring actions can dictate too. This is the scariest of them. They say that if you continually pick at even the smallest of cuts, it eventually scars even if your body had the ability to heal. If you continue in such fervour to stare at your scars, your mind and being will be overwhelmed so much so it squanders its freedom and will never be free enough to contemplate what scent to buy. ‘Buy’ as a metaphor - you must earn it. Goodness is something worked for and earned. Nothing good ever came easy they say - doubtless, this point so true. 

The truth is, you’ll never really understand this mind; so torn, so unsure, so upset. 

I'm sure this won't be easy to explain, but could you understand how frustrating it would be to addicted to over-thinking? Especially when you know that ultimately God already has everything written and He's got you. But you still over-think. There is so much wrong with that. Including the fact that it only makes apparent the negative qualities within you because naturally humans are made with a survival instinct - so when you worry, you tend to only think of yourself. And there is no pleasure in that because pleasure is in serving others and being happy not in being selfish and nasty. Like an ironic type of selfishness where in the end it only really kills you and your character. Imagine you have full knowledge of this but you STILL over-think, without even meaning to. It just happens - like somehow you've programmed yourself like that. Can you imagine how frustrating/upsetting that would be?

I got this thing with CityLights. 

It’s like I’m on some kind of drug,

I've been addicted and I cannot find enough.