Waking Life

I’ve had this blog for so long. It’s a sad, funny, depressing little time capsule of my past thoughts. I’m embarrassed but mostly fascinated. 

Fascinated with how i chose to express myself. Fascinated that I’ve been feeling my way through the darkness a long time now. In highschool, it was new. After graduation, I was learning how my depression would fit into my newfound adulthood. And now, I’m mostly in a state of acceptance. Though, that doesn’t mean it doesn’t get hard.

I’ve been visiting home for the past month, 2 more weeks to go. My sister gets married soon. Weddings don’t really happen in our family, just funerals. So, this feels symbolically special. 

Coming home is coming home to these old bad feelings. They feel ancient sometimes. 

I wanted to die. I wanted a friend. I wanted to live but really live. 

I found friends. I found a life I feel proud of. And yet, the darkness looms. Waiting for a moment of weakness. And in those moments of weakness, I wonder how far I’ll really get. 

I feel like a good person, a bad person. An evil person. And I also feel so god damn generous. It isn’t one thing.

I never thought I’d get out of here. i dreamed about it all the time, but I didn’t know how I’d do it. Turns out, all I had to do was walk out the door and never look back. i’ve done that, I’ve lived on the East Coast and I’m now in Toronto producing radio for a national arts show. 

Coming home feels like time travel. And the time I always go back to hurts, but every now and again, a glimmer of innocence rears it’s head. And I’m reminded of the long life I lived to get somewhere... I wanted to go.

I’ve had this blog since I was 16.

Took some fun photos of Chance’s band the other day. 

I think you’d like these demos. They’re pretty sick. 

I miss my buddy.

Clara is funny.

Life should’ve been kinder.

I want to apologize for how you got caught up in it all.

I’m 24 now.

I feel like I’ve lived so many lives, since being that sad kid, worried about her face, looking for someone to love. 

i should’ve spent time loving myself. I mean, I’ve come a long way. But I have a long way, yet. 

We don’t know what lies ahead

ever, ever, ever

hold each other close, while you can

because even if it doesn’t kill you

you’re still walking

that might be worse... some days...

I write here when I want it to go further than my notebook. But no further than the nowhere it will go. 

Life is chaotic. 

Not that my career isn’t still budding... or my opportunities have decreased. These good things are still all around me. 

But there is something. Something awful. Truly terrible... has happened. 

It’s been just over a week. At first I didn’t know how I could move on. I didn’t know how to finish school. (I still don’t know, quite...) 

I wish I could take away the pain of my friend. So badly, I wish this. I wish I could make the people around us see... that we are all so very fucked up. And it’s good to forgive...

I forgot what It’s like to love someone so much - and to see them truly pain... It hurts me so. 

For years I have been depressed and riddled with anxiety. Some weeks it isn’t so bad, some weeks, it’s violent. 

But this is... it’s one of those things that wake you up. Remember: it can all be taken away. Why waste your time worrying... when everything that is present... is good.

Well - everything that is present is good. But I think of him. I think of him in 5 years. in 10. I pray but who is listening? All i know is I can not take the pain away. I can not change the society we live in. I can not change peoples minds. 

I can only be there on the other line. I can only offer a weak joke. I can only say what I’ve said a thousand times.

I can not believe that this is where my life had ended up. I’m on the cusp of a journalism career at one of the biggest news organizations in the world. And it’s the public broadcaster of Canada, and just by working there the past few months, I know I can trust their ethics and standards when it comes to delivering stories and news.

I have friends who reach out to me, they are smart, and unbelievably funny, and they care for me and are thoughtful. I truly did not think I would ever, in my life, have friends like I do now. I had absolutely given up on that. 

It came when I had truly given up. 

I’ve received 3 bursaries while in school. Because... what the fuck, Im talented? Or something? I mean, yeah, but fuck it’s hard to give myself credit. I am working on that. 

I’ve spent the summer with my friends, travelling this wonderful province.

I saw Radiohead in Montreal a couple of weeks ago. One of the best concerts I’ve ever gone to. 

I’m starting on Weekend Mornings next week, the local music radio show on CBC Halifax. 

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Guys, a year ago, I hadn’t even started school for what I’m doing now. I had yet to meet any of my friends I have now. And I was merely a waitress.