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Death do not scare me. I am experienced at dying. I have died thousands of times. I have chosen many different ways to die. 

What scares me most, is a vision of what this end would look like - a few pot plants in a retirement home. A couple of books as my companion and an incomplete mind of old memories to converse with new people. I may not remember that I do not desire anything else in life and thus create a new fantasy about a life that I do not wish for. My free will is a Holy gift which is a dangerous privilege to have in a dull mind, seconds from the end. 

There is nothing more boring than to try and find God from the Words of this blank page that you will skip read to get to Him. But you have insisted on these Words, forced out into the open by your collective energy as your souls dim a little every day from spiritual poverty. You’ve been calling me to share my journey so that you might remember who you are. So that you may meet yourselves (your souls) and hear God and at last be His friend not His enemy. For you have been the enemy not God. He has chosen you above anything else. He has never left you. 

Words penetrate easily Into familiar flesh Wounds blinked open Too shocked to bleed Bullet holes Disembowelled dreams Of love and joy Pulsating on the floor.

Soon, I know Words of craftsmanship Make an entrance As healer and friend To beg, promise and wish For a chance to change To be keeper again

Of my half throbbing heart. Skin pierced, ice pick marks You have the perfect words To heal or kill Flying poisonous venom Filled syringe with bitter sweetness Find release in empty veins.

At night, from the doorway, I watch you 

Silhouetted in sick yellow, ready to  

Crawl over the sleeping body

That is on my bed, that is me. 

Slowly, magnificently, rising 

From my feet, arching high 

Till your face hovers over mine. 

Sleek, powerful and refined 

An animal man, majestic and unkind.  

You have my mind and smile

Mocking, a tremor deep inside

At the thought of how easy 

It is to feed on a human mind.  

I shiver at how good you are

At being evil.

I see my body struggle to breathe

Ready to scream, over a bad dream

My soul slips back into her.  

Woken, you’ve left us stirred.   

I feel you settle into my head

Licking and coaxing bits of brain  

Till I think it’s me thinking your 

Thoughts and I find my mind in a

Battle with myself day and night.

You wear me out and I normalise 

The fight, easing into your commands 

That are now my own demands.

I carry the weight of our war

On my hips, rice pudding mush. 

Looking in the mirror, crushed 

Miserable, defeated, shoulders slack

Then I see you behind my back 

Smiling wide, showy white rack   

A triumph donkey, unmasked. 

What fun you ‘have basked’ 

Toyed, raped and attacked. 

You’ve won, today again, wicked. 

God help me, my mantra omitted 

I Am, I Am, IAmShe. The God you believe, The Mother God you do not see.

That dwells below and above. The unrecognisable, the formless, The womb that Birthed Light

I Am the breath, given to God that He gave you. The Mother of all mothers. I am Shekhinah. The Divine. The First seed.

The Eternal presence Within and outside of All. I am the Zohar, the stars, the universe.

The Alpha and the Omega. I am She as He is in me, I stand alone and I stand with Him.

I am with you. I am in you.  I am the breast that nourished, The water for your thirst.

The whisper in your soul, The wind that made you soar, The Tree of Life.

The root of consciousness. Close your eyes to see, Your light that has always been.

At night, as you sleep, I place My hand on your arm to feel, That thing that speaks to you When he thinks no one is looking. In the dark, he coils back, No movement, no sound, just a chill. He’s caught off guard that I know. Something is alive in that chest that I love. Hissing and watching as I wait, Without fear, just an invitation. He can’t resist my indifference, And takes me into a dream to see, What no one has seen, Even the body that he’s taken resident in.

Back to another lifetime before us When a sweet boy was teased and bullied, Mocking children tearing him down. Wounded and alone, he retreated into the dark, Of his once innocent and beautiful mind. Our failure to protect, gave him up, To that thing to groom, to adore and to raise. We shall see this love blossom,   Ferocious blood thirsty thing. I see his first attempt to harm, It wasn’t what he did that rattled, But the ruthless force of which he had That was unnatural, eerie and ringing. A silent roar, deep and strong. Unstoppable. Fuelled by a monster more powerful than His childlike frame could have mustered.   I’m afraid we’re too late, That thing was smiling, a towering smirk. Lucifer’s new hero, he was already crowned, And will enjoy his rein; triumphed and proud. Rage fed his hunger and he taketh, Our children one by one as he was taken.

What keeps me awake at night?

Is this it? Is this it God? This is it?  The thread of life from infant, growth, marriage, family, friends, work, travel, play and spirituality. Is this all that there is to life? Is this the pattern that I shall pass onto my children? The cycle that we have repeated for thousands of years? 

I have found the WAY. I have found the TRUTH. Where is the LIFE?

Is this it? 

Is this it God?

This is it?

It is an enormous emptiness to realise that after 15 years of searching for life’s purpose that I conclude to have none. To know that what you do or do not do, does not matter to anyone in a 100 years. Would it matter if I wrote one more article, read one more book, create another painting, travel to another part of the world, catch up with another friend or finish another thing? Would it matter? Would it matter? Not really. Not at all. 

January 2018 - Harrison is 11 months old

We are moving to Wollongong, away from family and friends. My friend Dominique is moving back to Canada where she will continue her treatment for cancer. I felt alone like Anna in Frozen. I thought to myself that ‘I didn’t have anyone to build a snowman with’. That night, Harrison’s soul came to me and said ‘We’ll build a snowman with you. We’ll be your best friend’ 

2019 - Harrison is 2 years old

I was in the shower and Harrison came into the bathroom. As I stepped out and dried myself, I asked Harrison if he loved me. ‘Yes but I love God more’ 

‘Why do you love God more?’

‘Because he cleans me’ as Harrison crossed his arms and rubs them up and down. 

2019 

In a dream, I saw Harrison walking but his feet didn’t touch the ground. I then saw bigger, majestic feet carrying his feet. They were Jesus’s feet. I knew then that Harrison would be working with God. He will follow Jesus’s footsteps in shifting and saving the human consciousness. Tony and I had picked Harrison’s middle name as Dominic in remembrance of my best friend Dominique Morency for her positive, adventurous, delightful and fun qualities. Not knowing that Dominic’s original meaning means ‘belonging to God’ 

2019

Harrison has always had a fascination about elephants. When he was born, my friend gave me a chain of elephants which I hung at the head of his cot. He was given a big soft elephant from Katherine Lee and loved this toy where you pressed it’s ears and a tune would sing ‘peek a boo, I see you’. One night, I had a dream and saw great big elephants surrounding Harrison at the bank of a river. There were trees around. Elephants of different sizes stood around and also lying down near Harrison, protecting him. They were Harrison’s spiritual guides. Lord Ganesha the elephant God represents peace, mental strength, and power. This God clears obstacles and paves the way for us to shift forward in life. It symbolizes wisdom, understanding, and a discriminating intellect that one must possess to attain perfection in life. 

4th October 2021

At the round dinner table for four, I put a slice of apple on a tissue paper for my late mother to come and eat. I told Harrison who was sitting beside me to make  room for his grandmother and explained to Oscar and him how her soul could join us simply by calling her. Harrison looked at the small slice of apple and adds another slice. He had added the bigger slice of apple for his grandmother which I had consciously left for him to eat. I am amazed at your insight and ability to love Harrison. You will be King of Hearts.

5th October 2021

Harrison had another bad dream and sneaked into our bed again. He slept beside me but we fidget so much that Tony ended up moving to the empty bed beside Oscar in the room next door.  The morning arrived around 6am and Harrison’s soul woke up. He rose out of Harrison’s sleeping body and I saw that he was of Harrison’s age with a bold head. Strangely, Harrison has asked if he could shave his head at the barber many times. Once the soul wakes up, I knew that very soon, the body would awake. I rested peacefully and waited for Harrison to stir......a few minutes later.

June 2022

Oscar started saying that he had ears to hear, a mouth to eat and eyes to see.

So I asked what made them come alive and Harrison replied ‘your soul’ 

September 2022

We were walking to school and Harrison said that ‘mum, before I was born I had a soul. And before I was in your tummy, I was a spirit in the air’ 

25th December 2022

We stayed at my sister Mo’s place. Harrison and I are in the bedroom. He’s sitting on the bed. I asked him if he knew why we were celebrating Christmas. He replied that ‘because Jesus was born but he gave his gift to us’ I asked if he loved Jesus and he says ‘Yes, he is my Lord’

‘And do you love God?’

‘Yes, He is God-dy’

‘God-dy?’

‘That’s His nickname’ :) 

You are already wise Harrison. You are already a monk. You are ‘I AM’. You’ve come to shift humanity into consciousness towards the First Light. You are lead by Jesus. You are Him. 

December 2022

Gathering of The Last Supper

Bread torn and red spilled,  

Feasting together, unknowingly  

As one with Judas.

Voiceless we are. Just as guilty

The fear and greed we feed

The triumph of a bad seed

Harvested from pain to gain.  

We stain our hands

With Holy blood

Witnessed His rise as Mary did,

We come to know

Our weakness that was once

Cleansed now, without a blemish.

A chance to master what we did not

For we have risen as He did

Our souls saved.

Eyes closed to see our Light

To reach the root of Love

Every Last Supper is a chance

To re-build our temple,

Within ones’ body.

Greater than the last  

For we are the spark that is His  

Capable and powerful

To breath life into the Word,

For our own awakening,

Into self transcendent.  

Let our wish ignite from love,

To touch humanity

And offer a sanctuary

To all those that seek,

A witness from us

For their salvation

As once we sought,

Once a upon a time

I believed in magic

There was light

And I could fly

I didn’t know

That love could hold

Such darkness

Unsuspectingly clipping

My wings, bit by bit

Blood. Slowly. Dropped. 

Lifeless, I lay in wonder.

Heart. Heavy. Pain

I’m still loved

I am told

Words keep me bounded,

Shackled to sparkles of hope

Dreams. Fairy tales. Red roses. 

For that childlike part

Of my heart

That once believed

I hear your heavenly voice

My soul friend who needs no invite

Briefly, a passing light

To calm my storm

Stay, I have nothing to offer

But my devotion and love

I shall not ask for anything

Just a few questions

To steer my empty vessel

Anywhere but North

For I have been there

Soulless twinkling stars

Sleeping through the night

Fallen. Failed to deliver,  

Wishes and dreams.   

That’s the problem with a fantasy

When sung by a choir

For a place that does not exist.

It has a ring of truth

To seduce dreamers, easy believers.

Stranded on a milky way, empty

Lost in all that glitter  

Chasing stars, too bright to see

The universe in plain sight, all along

In the dark is the Light,

A treasure chest, unlocked.

For its’ master’s return.

You, the hidden self, waiting to know

Was never the mothership to row

And find what is already stowed  

There is no path in any direction

North, East, South or West

To transcend, anywhere.

Anchor at your centre, the way out is in

You are the star, the path; the light within

Open your door to His words and begin

He is the way, the love you have craved.

Lord, I have heard you, 

You are the stillness in the movement

The unchanging in the change,

I turned into your embrace

To drink from your soul

The softness and warmth of you

Instead I find, an old chest

Full of poison,

Scattered stories, unread.

Childlike scrawl. Tear smudged. 

How you struggled to,

Rewrite another life

To master your dark

That eats at you, still.

That tear us apart, always.

The end of us, so close,

If not for that fine

Silver lining.

I wait for those moments

Your good shall rise

From the centre that never dies

That part that is magic  

The longing in my day  

To live and breathe that bliss  

Those times that made us fly

High. So high.

Till your wings fold

Into moods, a storm inside

Words strike  

On my wounds that never healed.

Droplets of red

Drape over flesh.

I watch, for your gaze

To clear from that glaze.

Only hope can hold us

Through this craze,

To see the light

Cleansed those days,

Sadness, you are here again

You know where to sit

On my shoulders, like

An old comfortable coat.

Spread your familiar warmth

Seep into the fiber of my flesh

Heavy in the marrow of my bones

Till you reach the deep of my soul,

There you stay, long and longer still.

Today, I have nowhere to go

There is no hiding place

Where you cannot find me.

Do what you must

I welcome your blue

It is the only hue I feel,

In the dark of darkness.

Perhaps you will not leave

Tired of the frequent visits.    

I am weak in the tiniest hope  

Still, my sweet friend

The only one beside me,

In my hollow despair

I’d like to think that

You don’t own me,

That I may discard you

Dark and strong

From another life

Tired of the fight

You gave up light

On a bloody ground

With bodies around

I waited long on earth

For your rebirth

Six years we tried.

Then you came

To me in a dream

Before I knew  

You would come

I saw your face,

And your eyes,

Were mine.

You came with might

We loved and fought

Your soul scolded

I’m terrible

You’re right

I could be incredible

You’ll test me

Young master

To bring out

A fine sprout.

At three, crowned

The strongest.

Strategic, profound

An old soul, gowned

Spirit unbroken.

Standing tall, chosen

For the devotion  

To bring Light

For all, for Christ

You are the best.

Little as you are

Not more than three

No other human love

Has loved me more

Your words, silent still

Your soul spoke

Wisdom and comfort

We’ll be to each other  

Best friends forever.

I see elephant spirits

Surround you to protect.

God says to be aware

You come rare

Bearing a gift

From heaven’s script

I see your feet

Seated upon by His

Walking in perfect harmony.

Forgiving and fair

As Jesus heir

In grace and prayer

Mastered but few declared.

Lost children, scared

Alone, unsure, imperfect

You treasure with flair.  

The bliss you wear

A natural fit.

Barely out of the crib,

You are heavenly ribbed.  

A refuge and healer

Soul revealer

Of the eternal light

Beautifully bright

Unfolding with delight.

Kindness and love,

Breeds in your heart

You are the divine gift,

The Spiritual convalescence shift

This incredible sadness,

Of letting you go

That I loved you once

I loved you in all my lives

I love you still.

In this moment of awareness

Of the detachment

Of every moment that we have been

And dreams yet to live.

I have drunk all that you have offered

In love and friendship

Some of it was bitter

Most of it was sweet.

I love you - 

Even when I’m not loving you.

Know that I have left my darling

Though I sleep beside you still

In all my days, you were the one

But now I must be the one for me.

The end is here

The door is a step away

Only in my separateness from you

I know that we were made together

For each other.

I had given up a Kingdom for you

I had left loved ones for you

Yet, you have given me

More than anything I had to give up,

A chance to experience love.

You stood with me in my darkness

Held me through the pain of it all

Till my soul emerged, wretched.

You have brought me so far

And deliver me with love

In your most unloved moment

So as to make the path easy

For me to turn to the light

I shall wait for you, as I do in every life

This is the end of us

My love, my lover

Awaken soon after many more lives  

And meet me in light

Where you have taken me  

To the gate I enter

As you watched from behind.  

My soul is perfect at last

I am Home.