on hiatus

Nowadays your mornings started like this, with you rushing about as you tried to recall what seemed so vivid and real just a few moments ago. Sometimes you woke up panicking, like today, and other days you woke up with a wet pillow and an inexplicable sorrow in your chest. But despite your best efforts, these dreams always dissolved with in the morning sunlight.

Grabbing a quick bite for breakfast, you wave to your mother and rush out the door. Fortunately, school is in walking distance, so you haven’t been caught late yet.

As you rush through the courtyard, your foot catches on a protruding edge of the concrete sidewalk. Feeling yourself fall head first, you fling out a hand when a firm arm catches you around the waist.

Before you can fully register that you didn’t end up face-planting on the concrete, your savior pulls you upright and helps you regain your balance.

“Are you alright?”

A warm voice. Looking up, you meet kind hazel eyes framed by light gray hair. A fellow student, judging by his uniform.

“I- I’m okay, thank you for saving me.”

His lips curve into a mischievous grin as he pats you on the head.

“Hi okay, I’m dad.”

You can’t help it. A loud snort escapes your throat, and you do your best to stifle it with a hand but it’s too late. The abrupt sound seems to bring him to his senses, as the boy before you starts to backpedal, cheeks flushing.

“Sorry, I didn’t mean - obviously I’m not your dad - I mean, I’m not anyone’s dad-”

“What should I call you then, not anyone’s dad?”

You can’t help but tease him back, a broad grin stretching across your face. He laughs and scratches the back of his neck a little awkwardly.

“Sugawara. Sugawara Koushi.”

You tell him your name.

“Nice to meet you, Sugawara-kun.”

A refreshing smile like rain after a heatwave.

“Nice to meet you too.”

A/N: And so a new story unfolds... Thank you for enjoying Sui and Y/N’s story! This was labeled as a Sugawara/f!reader with Sui being a previous incarnation/lifetime of Sugawara. Have you felt their similarities? 

If you liked Sui, please let me know! I’m sure he would be very happy to hear it 😊

Then a shadow approaches you and stops in front of you. As it begins to murmur, you expect it to quickly move on as the others have, unable to communicate. But as you watch, its outline begins to waver, like the shimmering of a mirage in a desert. Slowly, the figure begins to gain color until finally, a person robed in olive green stands before you.

Still frozen in place, you frown as you wonder why only their face remains impossible to make out, like a vision that dissipates whenever you try to look at it. Then they extend their arm to you, a golden flower in their hand. Relaxed by the warm feelings of comfort the figure emanates, you find yourself reaching out without any hesitation.

As soon as your fingertips touch, your entire body thrills with a rush of emotions and memories. Tears come unbidden to your eyes.

“Welcome back, love.”

Your fingers intertwine naturally, like vines in a garden.

“Did you wait long?”

A sweet smile you can’t tear your eyes away from.

“Not at all.”

A/N: This is chapter 19, but it’s essentially part one of the epilogue. There’s one more chapter left now! Thank you so much for reading and sharing your excitement about this series with me <3 All of your kind words have encouraged me to continue writing this story to its conclusion.

Unsurprisingly, Edwin is clearly unsatisfied with Sui’s apology, resting a hand on one hip while stabbing Sui’s chest with his other hand.

“You were alive? This? Whole? TIME? And you let us believe you were DEAD?”

Sui winces.

“I’m truly sorry, Edwin... I had to do it.”

Edwin scoffs and glares at him, an uncharacteristic frown furrowing his brow.

“Had to? Do you know what you did? To us? To her?”

The two of them quietly turn to look at the place you had been kneeling earlier. The small bouquet of forget-me-nots rustles slightly in the occasional breeze that wafts through the place.

“I’ve been keeping watch over her when she visits here, to make sure she’s safe. And every time, she places those blue forget-me-nots by your gravestone. As if she’s afraid that you would forget her, or she would forget you.”

After Sui explains the entire situation that led to his decision, Edwin is slightly appeased. But Sui doesn’t have the courage to face you or the others. Years have passed since then, but he is afraid that if he reappears, all his efforts would have been for naught.

And yet, if he really questions himself and stares his fears in the face, Sui knows he is mostly afraid that you will hate him for what he has done. He doesn’t think he could bear hurting you again.

But he can’t tear himself away. Edwin catches him snooping around the city several times. Each time, Sui asks if Edwin would sneak him a treat from the cafe. But each time, Edwin refuses, saying, “Have you seen what’s happened to her? She’s been a mess ever since you died. You can’t keep doing this if you care about her.”

So one day, after much determination, Sui walks into Cafe Sunset, hat low over his face. His hair has been cut short and dyed another color, and he is enveloped in a dark coat. The door bell chimes behind him, and he has to pause for a moment to remind himself that he is only here to make sure the cafe is doing well and the crew is alright.

Then a familiar voice interrupts his thoughts.

“Welcome to Cafe Sunset!”

He can’t look up, can’t make eye contact with you at the till. When had he become such a coward? Sui berates himself silently as he walks to the display case. He must have been out of his mind to think that you might want to see him again.

But when he manages to sneak a glance at you, he is stopped in his tracks. Your eyes scream of fatigue and sleepless nights, and your shoulders seem weighed down by a heavy burden. The guilt overwhelms him, threatens to swallow him whole. For a long moment, Sui does not know what to do.

He scans the display case and sees his favorite donut. As much as he fears being hated by you, he does not want to lie to you any longer. Regardless of how you felt about him or about soulmates, he had robbed you of your right to make that decision. Better late than never, as his old mentor always said.

“One glazed donut, please.”

He points towards the donut in the case and finally looks up at you. But as soon as you hear his voice, your face loses color. When your eyes meet, you gasp and your legs give way to the floor.

Alarmed, Sui swings himself over the counter to make sure you are alright, his hat falling to the floor. His eyes start to scan your form for injury, but before he can reassure himself, you reach out with shaking hands to cup his face.

Your fingers trace his cheekbones, his nose, his chin. He notices the calluses on your hands and feels another pang of guilt in his chest.

“This isn’t another dream, is it? Is it really you, Sui?”

“It’s me.”

Sui wants to search for the right words to say, but you grab his sleeve and bury your face in his shoulder. The two of you hold each other quietly for a few moments, unable to utter a word.

After a while, the two of you retreat to the anteroom to talk. Rafter had found you on the floor and was alarmed for a few seconds before shooing you both away. When you protested, Rafter ruffled your hair, saying, “Take your time. You two have more to talk about than me, I’m sure.”

Seeing the unchanged upholstery, Sui could almost picture those quiet chats over tea, the fireplace gently crackling in the background. He moves to find the kettle, but you tug his sleeve.

“Let’s talk first.”

Sui sinks into the seat across from you, mind whirring. Where to begin? He is about to apologize when you begin to speak.

“Why didn’t you tell me we were soulmates?”

Sui bites the edge of his lip subconsciously. So you had found out.

“I couldn’t put you in that kind of danger. And I didn’t want to force our relationship with a predetermined link.”

“I see…”

You looked down at your clasped hands somberly.

“Wait, how long have you known?”

You look back up at him, eyes still slightly red from earlier.

“Since the night I patched you up.”

That long ago? Sui can’t even begin to imagine how you must have felt when he disappeared.

“Do you know how I felt, crying over your body only to realize that same night that my mark was still green as ever? I thought I had lost my mind, that my mark was broken, that maybe I was wrong all along.”

Sui winces and looks down at his lap, his hands clenched into fists. How could he ever make amends?

“But I kept dreaming about you. About us and the lives before ours.”

How did you -

“... I’m sorry, Sui.”

His head whips up in shock as he stares at you, bewildered.

“What are you sorry for? I should be the one apologizing, I’m the one that ran off.”

You shake your head.

“You had to disappear because of me, right? And because of that, you had to leave your family. I’m sorry.”

He grasps your hands, brow furrowing. Had you been thinking this way all these years?

“No, tensions had been getting bad anyway. Knowing those guys, they wouldn’t be satisfied until they saw me dead.”

Sui sighs and releases you, running a hand over his face.

“I’m sorry. You don’t deserve someone like me, soulmate or not. Not after I lied to you like that.”

You reach out and grasp his other hand in yours.

“Can’t we just call ourselves even? I’m so thankful that you’re alive, that you came back.”

His thoughts dissolve into air at that look in your eyes. Before he can second guess himself, he pulls you into his arms, burying his face in your shoulder.

“I’m sorry.”

“No more apologies. Please, Sui.”

“Thank you… for waiting. For living. For believing in me.”

Your arms tighten around him.

“Thank you for returning.”

Sui knew what Ten was after. Ever since their early days in the Vetter family, Ten was always raring for a fight, a chance to take Sui down to prove that he was the best in their group. When Sui was first to earn a promotion and first to gather his own group of men, there was no doubt in his mind that Ten would be irritated.

But if he always knew that Ten had a grudge against him, why did he try to work with him?

It wasn’t hard to figure out something was going on when Simon delivered the offer from the Regata. After all, Sui knew what kind of people he had gathered in his group. He didn’t do things by halves, and investigating Simon’s past was no exception.

A former Zvengli pretending to be a new recruit with a foggy past - in short, a likely double agent. And based on Simon’s stilted reaction whenever the word “family” was mentioned - it didn’t take much to connect the dots from there.

But he let it happen and went along with Simon’s suggestion because he knew that Simon would be punished otherwise. Besides, Sui thought it was odd that Ten would make such an offer in the first place. After the dissolution of the Alberg family caused a lot of talk, he suspected that the Zvengli would do their best to make the other smaller groups take each other out.

True to his expectations, Ten wasn’t the greatest actor. But as Sui wondered how Ten would try to threaten him, he realized at a certain point that Simon had been trying to appeal your charms to him and use you as a weakness. And just as he predicted, they threatened him with your life, or rather, death. Admittedly, he hadn’t expected the handkerchief, and for a few chilling moments, he wondered how long it would take to rip your location out of Ten’s mouth.

Still, he already had a plan in place. As he broke free from his captors’ arms and ran towards your bound form, he prayed everything would go smoothly. A click, then two bangs and Sui fell backwards, the red already seeping through his shirt. Thanks to Quin, he didn’t feel a thing besides the slam of his back against the ground.

But as he lay there on the concrete, you cried over him. He had been trying to ward off the Zvengli and the Regata because he knew they were only interested in seeing him dead. But this - he knew at that point that he was probably unforgivable. Every droplet that fell on his cheeks, he wanted to scream, was wasted on someone like him.

He didn’t deserve you, not when this was the only way he could protect you. Maybe this was his addition to the tragic narrative of your souls. Despite his best attempts, he had only succeeded in hurting you again. He should have never gotten involved with you in the first place.

At least that was what he tried to tell himself, that he no longer deserved to be in your life. But as he traveled the world, reinventing himself over and over in new cities, new languages, new crowds, he couldn’t forget. Quin called him every now and then, the only link he allowed himself to that life.

But eventually he finds himself back in that city, the bumpy streets strangely familiar amid the changed buildings that rise above him. It is an odd feeling, living like a ghost, and something compels him to visit the local graveyard.

The grass is still wet with morning dew when he arrives. Keeping his cloak’s hood over his head, he wanders the stone-lined rows until he sees a figure bent over a grave near the edge of the yard. Glancing around, he withdraws into the shadows of nearby trees. As he gets closer, he realizes with a sinking feeling that it’s you.

As you place a small bouquet of blue forget-me-nots on the grave before you, you kneel down and quietly pour a cup of water over the gray stone marker. Were you still grieving over him?

Just as Sui is about to retreat, someone grabs him by the shoulder. He twists in their hold, slamming his attacker to the ground without a thought. Then he looks down and his eyes widen in shock.

“I-Is someone there?”

He flinches at the sound of your voice. Glancing backwards, he realizes you must have heard the rustling of leaves in the tussle. After a few moments of silence, you seem to convince yourself it must have been an animal and you brush off your skirt before leaving the graveyard.

Just then, the person beneath him hits his leg.

“Let me go already, you-!”

A/N: He’s alive 😭

The pink gladioluses tremble quietly in your hand as you stand by the matte black casket. Silence weighs heavy over the small gathering as the case is slowly lowered into the ground.

“Rest in peace, Sui.”

One by one, the men approach the side of the grave and scatter their flowers over the casket. Numb, you add your pink blossoms to the bouquet that now decorates the black surface. It seems impossible that someone so full of life, so important and kind, could suddenly leave like this.

Rodger delivers the main eulogy, his hands the steadiest of everyone. Still, the paper quietly crumples in his too-tight grasp. After reading through the speech, he swallows thickly and motions for the others to continue.

Rafter quietly shares the story of how he met Sui, and how the man was wise beyond his years. His gaze is soft, and he never looks away from the casket as he talks.

Tiller tells everyone how Sui rescued him and inspired him to become a pastry chef. When he gets to his farewell, he falls to his knees, the last words tangling in his throat with tears. You kneel down beside him and hold his shoulders. No one can bear to interrupt him until he finishes.

Edwin closes his eyes and prays for Sui, gives thanks for his great fortune in meeting someone so warm-hearted and accepting. He stares up into the sky as he hopes Sui is resting peacefully, and as he closes his eyes, the heavens open up.

Quin is the quietest of all, kneeling in the grass and apologizing for not doing better. He murmurs something before tossing a handful of dirt into the grave and bowing.

You sing Sui’s favorite song in farewell, the one he always asked you to sing when he was sitting at the bar. You do your best to maintain a smile, but choke on your words half-way through. No one comments on the wet streaks that run down your cheeks, the sky’s sorrow soaking your clothes through.

The remaining dirt is quickly packed into place before the ground becomes too muddy with rain. And just like that, it is all over.

Afterwards, there is a discussion about the future of the group. Everyone agrees that the speakeasy should be shut down. But you want to keep the cafe alive, to remember the man who gave you shelter and listened to you when no one else would. The man who saved your life again and again.

Tiller agrees and says he wants to keep the cafe running. Rafter joins him, saying, “Where else would this old man go?” Quin nods thoughtfully before slipping off to his workshop.

Edwin decides to work at the nearby florist shop, saying that he’s had enough sugar for a lifetime and he needs to fix his diet. Rodger leaves to seek employment as a piano teacher in the next city over. Simon has been missing ever since Sui died, and no one knows heads or tails about where he might be.

And so, with Tiller and Rafter, the days at the cafe slip by quietly. You return to your job as a waitress and help Tiller balance the account books.

Quin disappears one day and leaves a letter telling you not to worry about the mafia any more and to live your life freely, noting that Sui would have wanted you to be happy. He writes that the other mafia groups won’t bother you anymore, especially since everyone has dispersed and the speakeasy has shut down.

True to his word, you haven’t seen or heard a thing about the mafia nearby since that day. It seems surreal how peaceful the days are now. The occasional summer breeze wafts into the cafe, teasing the wind chime by the window, and a group of sparrows gather on the neighbor’s brick wall to chatter in the mornings.

But the lively back and forth of Tiller and Edwin about the freshly made pastries no longer echoes through the cafe, and the place feels empty without the melodic tinkering of Rodger as he tries out another new piece on the piano. Some days you catch Tiller burning cookies while staring silently at the oven, and other times you see Rafter asking for the next shipment order before blinking and realizing that he’s elbow-deep in soapy water and dishes.

Nothing feels the same anymore with everyone gone. With Sui gone.

You do your best to not think about it, to move on, to look forward, but it seems impossible when every time the door chimes, your heart leaps for a fraction of a second with the secret hope that it might be him with that soft smile on his face. And every time, you feel like your chest is being torn at bit by bit from fruitless hope.

But in your dreams, you see him, healthy and smiling. He walks up to you, holds you in his arms, and thanks you for being alive. You drink tea together, walk through luscious gardens full of flowers, and watch the sun sink golden-red into the horizon as the breeze rustles through your hair. He seems so alive in these moments, so happy and peaceful.

Then you wake up with a start and remember that he’s gone and you will never be able to apologize, never tell him your feelings. Someone once said that the happiest dreams are actually the worst nightmares because they can never become reality.

Some days you wish you had never realized how much Sui Martel meant to you.

Some days it rains like the skies are weeping.

Whispering, then footsteps and the crunching of gravel in the distance. Your body tenses with the rising sense of anticipation around you. Who could possibly want to kidnap you specifically? You get a sinking feeling that whoever has arrived is incredibly dangerous.

Then you hear him.

Sui, shouting your name.

You do your best to shout back, but receive a sharp slap across your face. The back of your head slams against the chair with a thud, and you wince in pain.

Then you hear several whacks, some yelling, the rustling of fabric, and something that sounds like a balloon deflating. The sound of fighting - Sui and the others must have come to rescue you! You feel your heart stick in your throat with relief - until two gunshots pierce the air.

There is a sickening thump, followed by an eerie silence.

After a few long moments, someone loosens your bonds, the ropes quietly slipping down your arms and legs. You cautiously slip out of the chair, and when you are not challenged, tear off your blindfold.

Your eyes immediately lock onto the still, prone body lying in the middle of the abandoned lot. Without a second thought, your feet move towards him in a blur.

Blood is already pooling beneath his body, his eyelids fluttering weakly.

“Sui! Sui! Stay with me, don’t close your eyes! Can you hear me?”

You call him frantically, squeeze his arms. After a few moments, his lips part, and you lean closer to hear him.

“I… I’m sorry.”

With a breathy shudder, Sui goes limp, his eyes closed. You freeze for a few moments and shake your head, unable to process the sight before you.

“No, no no, wake up, we just need to get you to a doctor, you’ll be ok! Just hang on, help is coming, you’re going to be fine, please, just stay awake!”

You look around frantically, but not a soul is in sight. Looking down at him, you realize his hand is already starting to feel cold in your grasp. As if in a trance, you continue murmuring that he’s going to be ok, to please hold on for just a little longer. But you already know it’s too late, his face steadily losing color.

You want to shake him, to scream at him to get up, to promise that you’ll never mess up an order again and you’ll sing better songs if only he opens his eyes, to yell at him to stop messing with you because it’s not funny, but no matter how desperately you grip his hand, he does not move.

A wet droplet lands on his cheek. Then two droplets, and a shower of rain descends over the two of you. You rest his head in your lap, leaning over him to shield at least his face. But droplets continue to roll down his cheeks, your eyes welling endlessly with desperate tears. 

Why was he the one lying here, blood seeping into the concrete, instead of you? Why was this happening? Did he die just to save you? 

Why did this happen to him, of all people?

After a while, you feel a hand on your shoulder and the rain no longer pelting your head. You glance up and see Edwin kneeling beside you, holding an umbrella over the three of you.

But you cannot bring yourself to leave. You didn’t even realize you were so attached to this man. And yet now that Sui is gone, it feels like your heart has been scooped out whole from your chest, leaving an emptiness that cannot be filled. You cannot even begin to imagine how the others must feel, losing someone they were close to for so long.

Hot, bitter tears continue to spill from your eyes, your chest heaving with wretched sobs as you lean over Sui’s body. It feels like your chest will burst with all the words you could not say, all the apologies that you can no longer offer, all the gratitude you cannot give him anymore. Edwin does not stop you, does not comment.

When your cries finally cease, you find yourself unable to stand, legs shaky. Edwin pulls you upright, adjusting the umbrella. When you turn around, you see Rafter, Rodger, and Quin. Edwin nods at them, then turns to you.

“Let’s go home.”

The rain has stopped now, but Edwin keeps the umbrella open above your heads as you walk. When you turn around for a last fleeting glance, you see the slumped shoulders of the three men leaning over Sui’s body. The sight burns itself into your memory.

Even without words, their hunched backs express pain more deeply than any scream could.

Quin snorts quietly at this, but doesn’t say anything. Sui’s calm fury is rare but terrifying, and Quin is one of the few people to have witnessed it in person. Regardless, everyone in the group knows better than to probe too deeply into it.

“Ah, this was the meeting place, right?”

A nondescript brick-walled building stands before them, a blank door to their right, just outside the range of the single corner street lamp that flickers weakly in the pink-orange sunset.

Upon their approach, the door creaks open as if someone had been observing their approach.

“Come in, we’ve no time to waste.”

Rafter bristles at the brusque voice that emerges from the door, and surprisingly Edwin is the one to calm him down.

“This crowd is pretty snippy with their words.”

Quin eyes the man in sunglasses who now stands by the door.

“I’ll be out here with this one, boss.”

Sui gives him a slight nod in acknowledgement before heading inside, Rafter and Edwin close behind. As they walk in, Edwin suddenly hisses, rubbing his elbow.

“What is it?” Rafter whispers loudly, glancing at his clumsy companion.

“There was a loose nail on the door frame! Ouch… it’s pretty dangerous, they should fix that ASAP!” Edwin whispers back, frowning.

Sui hushes them with a quick look before turning to greet the host of today’s meeting.

“I see you made it.”

The head of the Regata sits at one end of the rectangular table, and gestures towards the open seats. Two men stand at attention behind him.

“Thanks for the invitation. I understand you have a plan of action regarding the Zvengli?”

Sui takes his seat at the other end of the table, Rafter and Edwin sitting down on either side of him. The head of the Regata, Ten, is no stranger to him, and Sui has long ceased being surprised by his aggressive tactics. A surprise raid on the Zvengli is certainly not out of the question for the volatile man.

“I do. But first, there is a little issue we must address.”

Sui raises his eyebrow at Ten. Now things were getting interesting.

“Whoever takes down the Zvengli will almost certainly gain control over this district. While we need to join forces to take them down, it will be dangerous if we end up torn over that control. I suggest that we publicize ourselves afterwards as a single group. That way we do not appear fractured and open for attack as the power balance shifts. What do you say?”

Ten leans back in his seat, apparently satisfied with his own suggestion. Maintaining his steady gaze at the Regata leader, Sui steeples his fingers under his chin in thought. It was almost amusing to see Ten speak so calmly. The fiery teenager he remembered from his old mafia family had always preferred to yell in indignant bursts and speak with his fists. One of his “helpers” standing behind him was undoubtedly the author of tonight’s speech.

“As rational and well-thought out that is -”

Ten leans across the table eagerly at Sui’s words, and Sui can barely hold back a wince at the thought of what is sure to follow.

“It begs the question, which group are we going to publicize ourselves as? It sounds like one group would be on the losing end of this deal.”

Ten’s eyes flash as his toothy grin turns into something dangerous, almost feral.

“What a silly question. Isn’t it obvious that we’ll be taking charge as the stronger group?”

Before Sui can take another breath, two more men appear behind the three of them, the barrel of a pistol pressing coldly against the back of his head.

“You’ve obviously underestimated us if you think I’m giving up my family that easily.”

Sui moves to disarm the man behind him when Ten laughs frantically and slaps the table with his palms.

“I wouldn’t be so hasty with your decision. After all, we do have something that might make you reconsider. More specifically, a pretty little songbird.”

At the glares of the three seated men, Ten snaps his fingers towards the door. It swings open quickly and a man in a suit, hat low over his face, approaches the table and drops something in front of them.

Before he can truly register what happened, Sui hears his pulse pounding in his ears, his fist clenching in his lap. Rafter and Edwin look at him, alarmed and confused, but he cannot offer them anything, cannot explain the situation when all he can see is red.

Deep crimson red that stains the crumpled light cream-colored fabric in a sickeningly stark contrast, the rosy-sunset fruits that once decorated it now ruddy pomegranates.

Then a familiar voice makes Sui’s heart sink, and Rafter and Edwin nearly leap out of their seats in fury as the sneering man tosses his hat off before them.

“It’s been a long time, Martel. What a pity that a woman is your undoing.”