When I was little, I used to think that maybe I’d save that kiss for marriage; that it would be beautiful and special and with the person I love. I used to think that all forms of physical affection are incredibly special, and that they should be saved for people who you really care about. For some reason, in the past couple years; I’ve developed a different viewpoint on physical affection, (one that I am currently changing).
Before I had my first kiss, I somehow thought that it “wasn’t a big deal”. I almost saw it as something I just wanted to get out of the way, because most girls my age already had their first kisses, and so I just wanted to experience what everyone else had.
I did not understand the gravity and importance of physical affection until after this boy kissed me. I had to learn the indescribably hard way that it means SO much more. Your first kiss is NOT something you have with just anyone; it’s NOT something you just “give away”. Kissing changes EVERYTHING. It makes a person cemented in your mind for long periods of time, they are stuck in your thoughts, their words replay endlessly, and all you can think about is the feeling of being physically close with them.
I have liked a lot of boys in my life, but I have never felt ANYTHING like what I felt for the boy who I kissed. I felt the most intense infatuation when I was with him, and the most painful heartbreak after he was gone. It was NOT because he was special, it was not because we had some long, beautiful relationship, and it was not because he felt the same way. I felt so different about him because after I kissed him, I felt like he had a piece of me, and I still do. I formed a deep connection with him that night, one that I’ve tried to sever that connection over the past couple months, but nothing works. I turned a short fling into a deep connection just from kissing him.
The worst part of all of this is that he does not feel the same about me. He can say that he cares about me, but he will never feel the way I do. I trusted him in a way that I’ve never trusted anyone, and when he broke that trust, it broke me too. He will never understand the pain I feel, because he simply cannot. He might have felt that with the girl who was his first kiss, but he does not feel that with me. This boy was a bad choice for a first kiss, for numerous reasons, but I only saw that after.
In the moment, him and I had talked about the months to come, he had been so genuine in saying he wanted a real relationship with me, and I thought that I wouldn’t regret it. I only saw his face, his hands, his eyes, telling me that he wanted this. I thought I could trust him, I thought I wouldn’t regret it, but I do. I have never regretted anything as much as I regret kissing that boy. And it wouldn’t have been THAT hard to stop it. I very easily could’ve said no, had I cared that this boy just got out of a relationship and still wasn’t over her, or if I thought twice about the fact that while I had known him for a long time, our “thing” had only been going on for 2 DAYS before he asked if he could be my first kiss. I probably should’ve taken a step back and thought that maybe physical affection didn’t mean enough to him if he was asking that after 2 days, but I was so blinded by this boys words and how touchy he was, that I did not see the absence of his actions. He did not take any actions to show that he cared about me. If he truly cared, he would not have done half the things he did.
Now, I don’t think he is a bad person. He did not intentionally hurt me, and I am grateful that he apologized and tried to make things right after. This boy is simply a teenager, he is immature like every other teenage boy, and shouldn’t be asked to handle such important things such as an young girls emotional well being. However, he should have some form of responsibility, because we all know how much power boys can have over girls. The good ones don’t abuse that power.
Now, I’m going to speak to the girls who have never been kissed.
If you feel alone, or ugly, or like an outcast, or anything negative because of the state of your lips, please listen to what I’m about to say.
You have something special. You have something that most people do not have, something I don’t have, and that is a choice. You have this incredible opportunity to make your first kiss something you WON’T regret, and that is by having it with someone who deeply cares about you, and shows it. Someone can say that they care about you, but the only way you will actually know is through their actions. For example, the boy who I kissed did care about me. Him and I were friends for a while, and we formed a connection before we were anything romantic. However, he didn’t do much to show that he cared about me. Something he could’ve done is maybe waited longer to start a relationship with me since he had just gotten out of a long relationship with someone else. That is a sacrifice he could’ve made that would’ve showed that he deeply cared about me.
The boy you want to have your first kiss with should be respectful of your decision to not kiss him right away, he should talk to you about it first, and I think that you should be in a relationship with the person you’re kissing. Because, if you’re in a relationship, this guy has probably waited a significant amount of time (because sane people don’t become boyfriend and girlfriend after a day of knowing each other), and him committing to you as your boyfriend is an ACTION that he can take which shows that he truly cares. A guy can say “I know your first kiss is special”, but completely contradict that by asking to kiss you a week after he meets you. If you couldn’t tell already, I’m really trying to get across that ACTIONS SPEAK LOUDER THAN WORDS.
If I had it my way, I would have been friends with the guy for a while, started dating him (not officially), NOT kissed him, he would ask me to be his girlfriend, and then after dating him for however long I feel is necessary, I have my first kiss with him. That would be so wonderful, and THAT would be a first kiss I wouldn’t regret. It wouldn’t be with a guy who I had been having a thing with for two days who didn’t think twice about kissing, because he had kissed so many girls.
So, if you haven’t had your first kiss yet, be thankful. Take the words in your brain that appear when you think of how you’ve never been kissed, and turn them into something beautiful. You have something so special in your hands; in your control, so please don’t waste it. Do not brush it off as just something to “get out of the way”, because it means SO MUCH MORE THAN THAT.
Now, if anyone is reading this and is just like me: IT WILL BE OKAY. Maybe you kissed someone who ghosted and never spoke to you again, maybe your first kiss was stolen by someone who you didn’t even like, maybe you broke it off with the person who you kissed, whatever your situation is, I promise that it will be okay. Because relationships are not about kissing, and love is not centered around physical affection. There are sacrifices, actions, words, so many things that can make you feel closer to your significant other than physical affection ever will, so just wait for someone who understands that. Love is a verb. Love is a choice. Most of us probably weren’t in love when we had our first kiss, but I know that I would’ve liked to be.
gummygunk
vaporwave
theartofmadeline
