looking forward to the future

There’s something about the weird time between lunch and dinner. I’m not sure if it’s habit, stress, or some strange force, but almost every afternoon I mess up the eating pattern for the whole day.

I usually have a great, mindful, planned breakfast and lunch. But between the hours of 1pm and 5pm, I ruin it. I could even have a great dinner planned, but I ruin it almost every single afternoon. (which then causes me to slightly over eat during dinner &/or eat more for dessert)

I get so hungry and so focused on food. Like I literally can’t think straight or concentrate on anything other than eating. 98% of the time, my body wants a carb. I mainly think about potatoes (in any form) and bread (in any form). So I’m talking about fries, chips, mashed potatoes, sliced bread, rolls, toast, bagels, flour tortillas, etc.

I know I can’t have these things; so I reach for everything else I “can” have….so I overeat and then give in to the craving. It’s so silly and trivial but I can’t stop it. I literally feel a physical reaction in my whole body. Having PMOS is really difficult.

This is what I need to work on as soon as possible. It’s ruining my motivation and leading me to “give up” each day and just give in to the excess eating.

I have also been feeling overwhelmed by my constant concern and obsession over this whole journey. I’ve been thinking about being overweight and wanting to lose weight for the last 22 years. I’m exhausted. And I’m ready to finally list do it. One thing that would help A LOT is getting off social media for a while. I focus too much on what others are doing that it almost tricks me into thinking I’m learning something or like I’ve I’ll doing it by association. It’s weird af. (This is another thing to work on as soon as possible)

I’m tired now and want to sleep. Until tomorrow.

- DM

I’ll have to work at it and make it happen, I have no other choice than to do what I need to do.

I have a lot of feelings and ideas, but I will talk more when I have more to say.

Hope it goes well.

-DM

It’s a challenge every day to make the changes needed to be the person I want to be. My health is on the line and I don’t understand why that isn’t enough to motivate me. I always told myself, if the time ever comes to make a change, I will do it. Well the time is here and I’m not making the changes I need.

I hope tomorrow is a better day. I cannot let the mornings slip into late afternoons, into bedtime and days flow by into weeks and months. I refuse to let that happen. I owe it to myself.

I have more feelings but not ready to put them into words.

ttyl

- DM

I was really mindful around planning, expecting, and preparing what I needed to do this week. It really made it a successful one. There were a few hard moments but I made it through.

On a side note, I have used food throughout my life to cope with stress. As i grew older, I used alcohol and nicotine. When I was using those two heavily to cope, I didn’t use food as much and lost some weight. As I cut those out, the weight piled on again.

I bring that up because today was so stressful and overwhelming and I wanted to go back into old habits. (Habits that needed 2+ years ago) and I didn’t. It was a small win that I wanted to highlight. O seriously considered having a drink tonight - but I owe it to myself to stay present and sober.

Anyways, the journey is tough but so am I.

- DM

I’m learning to be okay with hunger. I used to freak out and have major anxiety when I would feel hunger. But it would feel like an instinctual kind of hunger - a deep feeling in my chest. Now it actually feels like it’s just my stomach that is hungry.

But the past few days have been rough and I haven’t been sleeping well because of baby. But it’s okay, I am ready to get some sleep tonight (if she lets me).

Either way, I’m relying on discipline to get me through the next few weeks. It’s actually been nice to be in routines and rituals. It helps me feel calm expecting the same thing every single day. My breakfast routine has become more of a ritual and I love it. It’s easy and calming, it feels relaxing to know exactly what to expect. And I’m trying to continue this energy into my weight loss as well. I love knowing what I’m eating and what to expect from my meal prep. And I honestly don’t mind eating the same meals again and again pretty often.

I know what I like, and I love it. Weigh in is in a few days… will check in soon.

- DM

Usually the first few days/weeks of a weight loss journey can show significant losses but mostly because your body is adjusting. I have noticed so much less bloating and attribute a lot of this weight loss to it. But either way I am so happy.

Hopefully this adds motivation to my journey. I hope to continue being in a deficit, continue to move my body, and continue losing weight.

-DM

It’s been hard, last week I would do it for a few meals but this week I’ve stuck hard to tracking every day.

I’ve noticed my hunger actually subsided a bit. I’m trying to figure out what is causing that….so I can continue it! It’s been making tracking and eating easier when I don’t have an ungodly hunger crushing my chest.

I think it’s because since I’m tracking and am limiting my calories (within reason) I have to really build a “smart” plate. I’m focusing on volume eating since I want to eat a lot without piling on the calories. Ima also focusing on what will keep me fuller for longer. I think inadvertently, this is also ~balancing my blood sugar~ or something like that, and that’s helping my hunger as well.

Anyways, I hope I can keep it up on the weekend, since it’s easier to track and limit while I’m busy with work. But I’ll do another weigh in on Monday and update how it goes. I hope it’s good.

I tried all day to do what I could with each moment. Tomorrow is thanksgiving day and I will not deprive myself. I’m technically not on a diet… I’m changing my life one day at a time. And tomorrow will not be any different - I’ll enjoy it all within reason. I can have one serving instead of two (or three). and the next day will come and it’ll be over. I won’t starve and I won’t regret eating only one serving.

I also started tracking my food with an app, Lifesum. I did this one of the times I lost 20 pounds, so hopefully it can help me now. I won’t track tomorrow, though. There’s no point in feeling guilty about one day out of the year lol.

Until next time,

Tomorrow is another day and I will make it great. Will be adding in movement as much as I can.

So now I actually need to think about what I need to do to be successful. I want to lose weight and I need to make a specific and useful plan to get to my goals.

I have a doctors appointment in literally 43 days (42 because this day will be over in 3 hours). And that’s actually exactly six weeks when I open my eyes tomorrow morning….

I can do a lot in 6 weeks. Lots of new habits, changes in my diet and exercise. I am planning on swapping out certain foods and avoiding others.

Picking sugar-free and low to no calorie options for some things, incorporating more fruit and beans, and avoiding fried foods as much as I can. It will be difficult and I feel there will be more tears shed (did I mention I already cried today? [reference the post below….]).

I think for once in my life, I will finally just stfu and do it. I have no other choice.

It will be hard - but I must chose my hard: it’s hard to change my lifestyle and eat healthy but there is literally no downside to that. I will get more sleep, more energy, more life to life. The other choice is also hard: it will be hard to take medication every day, hard to move my body, hard to keep up with my daughter, hard to participate in my marriage.

But when looking at these two “hard” options, the answer is EASY…..

I will try to update as much as I can on a weekly basis. Here’s to next time

5 years later since I started this blog and…..wow.

so much (& so little) has changed.

I am married now and have a daughter <3

And I am still trying to lose the weight. Unfortunately, there are some major changes to why and how I want to lose weight. During and after my pregnancy, my body has not been dealing well with stress. The physical toll pregnancy and overall life stresses is becoming heavy, and my body is now suffering from hypertension.

I weigh about the same as I did and have been the past few years, but my body is tired. It’s difficult to accept - but I have to. My body is begging for me to treat it well and I must listen. My daughter depends on me. She’s so little and so beautiful and so sweet and I want to spend the rest of my life loving her.

Lack of sleep, poor diet, and minimal exercise is literally causing physical stress on my body. It’s showing up as hypertension, insulin resistance, generalized anxiety, and below average mental health…. The signs are in front of me and I can no longer ignore them. I