I Would Rather Die of Passion Than of Boredom

You don’t make me feel beautiful. To be honest I can’t remember a time within the last 6 or so months I actually feel attractive by you. I haven’t felt desired or anything by you. I don’t feel important. I don’t feel like I’m the only girl in the world to you. Haven’t truly felt that in over a year. I feel highly unappreciated. I do so much for you and barely get a thank you. Hell I don’t. I get back handed complaints. I go out of my way to do so much for you and I am still frowned upon because it isn’t more. You don’t show me off to the world like you use too. I feel like you’re almost embarrassed of me. Or don’t want people to remember I’m still around. Keeping me in the shadows. I don’t feel important. I feel like our children and myself are just side runners in your life. YOU fucked up. You have anger issues and took things too far yet I’m the one to have the blame and now my child is possibly in jeopardy because of it. But you aren’t concerned about that. You aren’t bothered by the fact that our son can be taken away. Noooo. But what does have you conceded is that you possibly won’t be allowed to see your other two. That’s your first priority and concern. Not the child that lives with you and the fact that if he does get taken away he won’t have not only his father but not his mother either. You make me sick. Then instead of being a team effort on making sure our home is in check the first words that come out of your mouth are “you better make sure…” yeah. Because I’m the only one that lives there right? I’m the only one who is “trashy” right? I’m the one the doesn’t take care of the animals you want so desperately right? I’m the one who doesn’t help with out son at all right? You anger me to my bones. You constantly bring negativity into my life and then get bitched at but I’m not happy and chipper like I once was before. I am done living this life with you. Yet I can’t stop myself from praying…. Not praying but begging the lord to save you. To save me. To save us and our life together. I’m hurt and burnt out. I don’t know what to do anymore. Nor what I want to do.

A memory I would do anything to relive.

We where eating at a pizza place and we were so in love. We had nonstop laughs. What I remember most of that dream was that smile. I would do anything to see that smile in person. Just one last time.

Why do I miss you so much?