Red Hood, in the middle of a meeting with his goons: So weāll gather over here at-
Batman, dropping down from the ceiling: Red Hood
Goons, trembling in fear but standing up to fight: Shitā¦ whatās the Bat doing here
Red Hood, aggressively: What are you doing here, old man?
Batman, pulling out a lunch box: You forgot your lunch in the cave *walks over and hands it to him before peppering his cheeks with kisses*
Red Hood: Oh my gosh, Pa! Stop! Youāre trying to embarrass me on purpose! *pushing Batman away and blushing under his mask*
Batman, taking out his grappling hook: No idea what you mean. Stay safe. Bye *leaves*
Goons, stunned: Whoaā¦ boss, you are so red
Red Hood: Shut up! No Iām not! *shoves helmet on to cover his blush*
Tim, squished in a chair with Bruce: ā¦ so tightā¦ so uncomfortableā¦
Bruce, typing away on his computer: Thatās your fault. It was a perfectly fine chair with only me in it, then you suddenly came
Tim, squirming: Yes, butā¦
Bruce: Want me to move? Youāll have the chair to yourself
Tim, practically in Bruceās lap: No
Bruce, watching TikToks in his room: Hmm *watching a video about Velcro babies*
Bruce, looking up: Hrnā¦
Jason and Duke are playing Sorry!. Dick is allowing Cass to adorn his hair with accessories. Steph is painting her nails. Damian is snuggled into his side, drawing. Tim is asleep across his lap. All of this was done on his bed
Bruce: -So I believe that it would be best for us to leave that land alone for the native wildlife.
Bruce: Taking and destroying such precious land for a profit is disgusting, and I think Lexcorp should really start to think of the environment more
Bruce: Anything to add, baby?
Damian, half asleep on Bruceās hip: ā¦ fuck Lex Luther
Bruce: Wellā¦ you heard him
Tim, high on morphine from a procedure: Dadā¦?
Bruce, carding his finger through Timās hair: Yes, baby?
Tim, starting to cry: Daddyā¦ I have something t-to tell you!
Bruce, panicking: Tim? Sweetheart, whatās wrong?? Do you feel pain? Are you-
Tim: I-I like girls a-and guys!
Bruce: What?? Ohā¦ oh sweetheart. I already knew that
Tim: Do youā¦ Do you still love me??
Bruce: More than all the stars in the sky. Why don't we try to get some sleep, hmm?
Reporter, running up to Batman: Mister Batman! Mister Batman
Batman: ā¦ *debating on escaping*
Reporter, holding up a picture of Signal: The world wants to know... is Signal yours?
Batman: Whatās that in his chest?
Reporter: The symbol? ā¦ I guess it looks like a bat
Batman: Okay. Now stop asking me stupid questions. Use your brain.
Batman: I own the bat. Why else would anyone wear it? *disappears*
Steph: I want a piggyback ride
Steph, tense: Nowhere. Yes or no, man
Bruce: ? *wants to ask if sheās ok, but sheās got a vibe about her*
Bruce, in a joking tone: Whatās in it for me, toots?
Steph, relaxing at not being interrogated: Undivided physical contact with me, your lifelong dream
Alfred, strained: I love you very much
Bruce, searching his face: ā¦
Bruce, genuinely confused: When did you get so bad at lying?
Duke, delirious from food poisoning: Iā¦ I can see a light
Damian: Shush, Thomas, youāre staring straight at the lamp
Duke: G-Grandma Wayne? Is that you?
Bruce: Youāve never met your Grandma. Stay with me, Duke!
Cass, sending Bruce a fit check video: -and then the boots you bought me last time
Bruce, texting back: Is that my jacket?
Bruce: Iāve been looking for that. You know Iāve been looking for that
Cass: No clue what youāre talking about dad
Bruce: Iām in Stephanieās Hulu
Dick: We both know you have enough money to buy the company itself
Dick: Why are you on Stephās Hulu
Bruce: She made an account for me, and she changes my profile picture every day
Duke: Weāre supposed to talk about our emotions
Damian: Like what a healthy family is supposed to do?
Bruce: Yes, weāre all in this together
Bruce: Like a hostage situation
Tim: Daddy-o, where are you
Bruce: Iām currently at the mall
Bruce: Please use an apostrophe
Bruce, sending a zoomed-in forehead pic of Stephanie grinning: Guess
Tim: You ever think itās weird how my ex-girlfriend has integrated into our family?
Alfred, sorting through a mountain of bouquets: ā¦
Bruce, popping his head in: What are you doing? Why are there so many flowers?
Alfred: Theyāre all for you, Master Bruce
Alfred: I suppose someone is trying to woo you
Bruce: So what are you doing?
Alfred: Putting them away
Alfred: One pile for the wilted and dead. Another for my compost bin, and a third to donate to the womenās shelter
Bruce: ā¦I donāt get flowers?
Alfred: No one is good enough for you, my boy
Alfred: Iāll buy you flowers later
Bruce, on the couch, cuddling with Damian for the past two hours and watching Gray Ghost: *looks up when Tim enters the room* Hi, love
Damian: You had Baba all to yourself yesterday while I was at school
Damian: Heās mine today
Bruce, visibly on the verge of tears: Yeah *emotionless*
Cass: You are a lying liar who lies a lot
Bruce, rubbing his temples: Urgā¦
Jason: Whoa, whatās up with you?
Bruce: Iāve got this insistent headache that wonāt go awayā¦ Itās killing me
Jason: Shitā¦ did you get poisoned?
Jason: What was the last thing you ate?
Bruce, thinking harder: ā¦
Jason: When was the last time you ate something?
Bruce, thinking harder: ā¦
Jason: Dad! *dragging him to the kitchen*
Steph: *trips and falls on her face* Ack!
Bruce, desperately trying not to laugh: Oh, gumdrop *helping her up*
Steph: You sound incredibly condescending *allows Bruce to brush her off and hug her*
Bruce, hiding his face in Stephās hair so he doesnāt laugh: No, of course not
Dick: Strongest immune system? You donāt count
Bruce: Could be Duke. He keeps eating shit off the ground, and weāre in Gotham
Dick: True, itās probably radioactive
Duke: Iām literally fine! You guys are mean!
Bruce: Hi, Iām Bruce, and when I was eight years old, my parents and I were coming back from the movie that I begged to go to on my birthday, when they were shot and brutally killed in front of me in a botched mugging
Bruce: I then had to stay with their dead and cooling bodies for hours in an alley way, covered in their blood, holding their hands, with people walking past and seeing me but not calling anyone, until the police finally arrived in the morning where they continued to ignore me for hours and kept me sitting in a pool of my parents blood, and when they actually started talking to me the first thing they did was ask if I was the one who killed them
Bruce: And people till this day question why my parents decided to go down Crime Alley, but it literally wasnāt called that back then. It was just Park Row. The crime was the murder of my parents. Thatās why itās now called Crime Alley, literally because of the crime of my parentsā murder. Their deaths fundamentally changed all of Gotham
Bruce: And I brought jumbo sour gummy worms
Duke: ā¦ Damn, coming out with the big guns right away
Cass: I told you this wasnāt the right āmood gameā to play in this family, especially
Dick: Now, if I follow up with my parents dying in front of me, it sounds like Iām copying you
Dick: Also, you being there made it significantly better for me
Jason: Thatās why you gotta have more than one dipshit
Dick: I do have more than one! Thatās just the first one
Steph: Wait, thatās seriously why itās called Crime Alley?
Bruce: I tried going for the least traumatizing thing thatās happened to meā¦ I guess
Tim: Iām just glad you didnāt start the cult story; that one scared me
Tim: The super scary one that you were telling me about
Bruce: That actually doesnāt narrow it down for me
Damian: Baba, the fact that there are so many that you donāt know is truly worrying
Cass: Iāve killed some clut membersā¦
Steph: Inspiring Cass, truly
Cass, shrugging: Felt like I needed to say something
Cass: Can I have that as my thing?
Jason: Weāve all killed a few cult members before, youāre not special
Damian, nodding along: Yes, itās quite easy
Duke: The fact that youāre not saying anything against that statement is concerning, Bruce
Bruce: Technicallyā¦ I only indirectly caused their deathsā¦ mostly
Dick, sneaking a hand into the bowl: Iām learning so much about you
Bruce, smacking his hand away: Donāt eat the gummy worms before anyone else has gone!
Bruce: I promise to rest for at least a week
Bruce: No, I swear it. On my life
Alfred: Master Bruce, you are suicidal in the highest degree
Alfred: Swear on anything else
Bruce, giving Dick something he hasnāt had since childhood: Here
Dick, ecstatic: Whoa! Howād you remember I liked this?
Bruce: Photographic memory. Total recall, chickadee, remember?
Dick: No, but you obviously did *kneels over laughing and slapping his knee*
Jason: Iām gonna torture you
Bruce: I told you, I didnāt even eat the last brownie
Bruce: I'm only a calorie deficit for a photoshoot
Jason: Iām gonna gather every single person you know
Jason: And weāre gonna form a human circle around you
Bruce: Where is this going?
Jason: Then weāll just shout compliments at you! And theyāll be meaningful and deep, not surface-level!
Bruce, horrified: Donāt you fucking dare
Bruce: Damn, Alfred is inquiring about upping my anti psychotics
Bruce: Bitch Iāll make him up yours too, donāt test me
Jason: Since when do you two need psych meds?
Bruce, looking over at Dick: Uh
Dick, sweating: Umm, you know, it doesnāt really matter
Duke: You ever notice how a swarm of bats always follows you?
Duke: Like, when you're bat-manning. Bats come out of the woodwork
Duke: It really adds to your whole aura
Bruce: Iā¦ I donāt think thatās a thing
Jason, angry: Why do you keep walking away from me when Iām talking to you?!
Bruce, refusing to look at him: You talk with your hands
Bruce: Youāre carrying your gun. You keep waving it in my face
Bruce: I can handle a lot of things from you, but not that
Bruce, sick: Oh, itās a cold, cruel world out here
Steph: I can ask Alfie to make you hot chocolate
Bruce: No, he makes it with water instead of milk
Alfred, trying out a new bread recipe: What do you think, Master Bruce?
Alfred: It is made from whole wheat flour and a small amount of cornmeal. It also contains oats, chia seeds, flax seeds, and hemp seeds. I also took the liberty of adding walnuts, almonds, and pistachios.
Bruce, chewing on the grainy and crumbly piece of bread, close to tears: I feel like a birdā¦
Bruce: Is this punishment? Did I do something wrong?
Alfred, offended: Itās healthy
Bruce, already crying: What did I do??? I donāt like this! *crumbs flying everywhere*
Batman: Between hurtling into traffic at 180 mph and changing this song
Batman: I will change this song
Dick: Dad! Both hands on the wheel!
Alfred: Go upstairs and take a nap
Bruce: Noooo. I wonāt be sleepy if I have to move
Alfred: You canāt nap here, youāll get a crick in your neck
Bruce: Everyone has to make sacrifices
Jason: Damn, Pa, whatās up? You lookin' fucking horrible
Bruce: Iām supposed to hang out with Cass and Damian todayā¦
Dick: Andā¦? Whatās that gotta do with you looking sick
Tim: Oh, I get it. Itās an anxiety thing
Bruce: Itās justā¦ leading up to an outing is always the worst. The impending sense of doom is very strong
Bruce: I know Iām gonna have fun when I get there, and Iāll enjoy myself. But I wanna cancel, I feel like throwing up, and Iām so fucking nervous
Jason: Yoā¦ these are your children youāre hanging out with
Bruce: I know, youād think my body would get the memo and chill out, but no
Tim: Yeah, I get it all the time
Bruce: Oh my gosh, why is nobody answering their fucking phones
Bruce: Iāve called you all a million fucking times
Bruce: What do I pay your stupid ass phone plans for
Bruce: Someone, come pick me up
Bruce: I just got hit by a car pedestrian style
Bruce: Iām so fucking embarrassed
Several people typing at once
Tim: You ever think itās weird how we canāt see Dadās face when heās wearing the cowl?
Jason: Oh, the shadow thing?
Steph: It freaked me out the first time it happened
Steph: Like, no matter where I moved or what I did, I couldnāt see his face
Damian: Yes, I wasā¦ shaken the first time, when I could only see his white eyes peering at me from the shadows
Damian: His silence and stealth are unimaginable
Dick: Oh yeahā¦ I guess weāve all gotten used to it, huh?
Tim: I donāt think he even knows heās doing it most of the time
Jason: Pa makes himself scary, but heās oblivious to the fact that he' didnāt do that to make him scary 's scary without trying sometimes
Steph: You think itās enchanted?
Tim: Oh my gosh, the fucking cape!
Tim: I tried to figure out the logistics of that thing and almost gave myself an aneurysm
Jason: I went nuts the first time he became a blob in front of me
Steph: Love when he does that
Steph: Is it weird to call a grown man cute?
Damian: It makes me wonder where Father sourced his items
Dick: Dad makes them with regular fabric, believe it or not. Heās been making them since before I came around
Jason: Then what the fuck??
Steph: This is giving me a headache
Tim: Think heād tell us if we asked?
Bruce, walking into the theater room: Whatās everyone-
Steph: Yeah, man, the movieās about to start
Cass: Been waiting on this release for two years
Duke: My hands are shaking. Literally, Iām dying
Jason: Iām only here because they forced me-
Tim: Shut up! Youāve been waiting for this since forever, just like the rest of us
Damian: Quiet, heathens! Itās starting!
Watching the movie silently in awe, then Bruce comes on screen
Tim: Dad, you need to start suing someone cause they took your likeness
Bruce, raising an eyebrow: Thanks, but no. Thatās me, sweetheart
Bruce: I am famous, remember?
Dick: When did this happen?!
Bruce: A while ago? Dickie you were there
Dick: I have actually nothing to say in defense of myself. I thought it was just a regular shoot and fell asleep
Jason: Youāre such a fucking idiot
Steph: What the fuck, man?!
Damian: Baba, you should have told us you were going to star in such an important movie for this generation
Bruce: Itās literally on my calendar
Bruce: Youād know that if any of you bothered to look at it
Duke: Do you have other movies and shows lined up?
Bruce: *shrugs* Check the calendar
Tim, angrily: I can take care of it myself. I donāt need your help
Bruce, rolling his eyes and so over it: Sure thing, burger boy, Iāll leave it in your capable, greasy little hands
Tim, offended: What?! Burger boy?! Greasy little hands?! *shrill and high-pitched voice*
Bruce: Hey, youāre the one who named yourself after a fast food restaurant
Damian, trying to sneak out through the front door: ā¦
Bruce, walking by: Ah ah *snaps fingers and points upstairs* Go
Damian: Ugh! *planning to sneak out the window*
Bruce: Donāt even fuckin think about it.
Bruce: Oh, please. Do you see how many siblings you have? Iāve seen it all
Alfred: And done it all too
Steph, walking into the library: Whoa, what the fuck is happening?
Cass, actually on the verge of tears: Dad is ignoring me
Bruce, reading peacefully on a nearby couch: ā¦
Steph: No way, B-man would never purposely ignore us when weāre not being shits. Especially not you
Bruce, turning his head and looking surprised: Oh, hello, girls
Bruce, taking out his ear plugs cause he was overstimulated earlier: Honey, Cassandra, hello. When did the two of you get here?
Bruce, looking at Cass, concerned: Are you alright, princess?
Cass, completely embarrassed: Peachy. Letās go *tugging Stephanie out*
Steph, elated and laughing: Super assassin who notices everything did notice that-!
Bruce, confused: Hrn? Oh well. *puts earplugs back in*
Dick: Why didnāt you tell me you were leaving the country for two weeks?
Bruce, holding his luggage: Well, hello to you too, Richard. Yes, my plane ride was fine, Iām good, howāre you?
Dick: Cut the shit. You canāt just go missing like that
Dick: What if Gotham needed you or something?
Bruce: I wasnāt missing
Bruce: I told the people who needed to know
Bruce: Besides, you havenāt talked to me in a week. Why would I tell you?
Bruce: Did you realize you needed me for something? Is that the only reason why you reached out and noticed I was gone?
Bruce: Dick. I just got home. Before we start another screaming match, can I see my other children first?
Bruce: Iād like to see Damian and Tim while Iām still in a good mood
Bruce: Not now, child number three
Tim, looking confused: Child number- *muttering to himself*
Bruce: Duke, Damian, and Cassandra are causing a ruckus
Bruce: If I donāt intervene nowā¦ people will die
Tim: The fuck are they doing?
Bruce: Alfie, I got a paper cut *holds up finger*
Bruce: See? Itās bleeding
Alfred, very serious: Oh my, thatās quite serious
Alfred: Shall I bring out the big guns? Dinosaur Band-Aids?
Bruce, also very serious: Yes, dinosaurs are very necessary
Batman, jumping from roof to roof during patrol: ā¦
Marco, a seven-year-old boy who lives nearby: Mister Batman, Sir! Hello!
Batman: Hrn *jumps down* Marco
Marco: Oh, yay! You remember me! Thatās good
Marco: Yup! I just wanted to give you this! *holds up drawing* Mama said youād really like it, so I did my best
Batman, gently taking the paper and exchanging it for a lollipop: I do. Thank you
Marco: Ooo, candy! Thank you, Mister Batman! Have a good day- I mean, night fighting crime! *runs away waving*
Batman: *gently folds the paper and puts it away. Pulling out his grappling gun and returning to patrolling*
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