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I am a huge fan of retiring to my quarters

In this economy you'll be lucky to retire to your nickels

a broken link is a kind of dead wife

play toys ?

come play toys

the prince of darkness commands you

Genuinely evil and dark-sided to put the periods between the letters in "milf" and "dilf." Like what is M.I.L.F. that is a supervillain organization composed entirely of cougars. Whoa that's a great idea actually post canceled hold on

sometimes “!!!!!!!!!!!” is a word

sorry boss can't come in today i was on my way to work and then a gentle spring breeze kissed my cheek and reminded me it is a serious thing just to be alive on this fresh morning in this broken world

Friend of mine calls it active listening. Ah yes we are speaking of tooths. I understand and respond. Here it a tooth image. I have heard you.

Hooked up with a British guy once and he said "awh that's propah" while I ate his ass

so i hauve covid rn and i must say, American cold medicine is the absolute bees knees. You go to a UK pharmacy and they tenderly press like eight (8) paracetamol into the palm of your hand... God FORBID you're sick in France, i had to scour every pharmacy in Paris for something that wasn't HOMEOPATHIC PASTILLES. meanwhile last night i took the last of my stash of Nyquil that expired in 2019 and it was like getting hit by a fucking baseball bat (affectionate). press X to timeskip. LOVE me a cheeky little medically induced coma. you can really feel that it's a precursor to meth. i know that everything is fucking awful over there my friedns and my heart goes out to every one of you but if you need one small bright light of national pride in this time of strife please know that i envy you your cold medicine every day

i once took an american antihistamine pill just a basic one for seasonal allergies and i had to immediately lay down and while doing so i vividly hallucinated that i was a steerage passenger on the titanic resigned to my death as my cabin filled up rapidly with water. then i blacked out and when i woke up again my allergies were gone for the entire season.

The Hat Man is our greatest export

the "oh. oh." moment in fan fic but instead of a character realizing they're in love it's them discovering they have a specific kink at the worst possible moment

so embarrassing when i forget im checking someone's blog and i start scrolling through and liking and reblogging shit as if it's just my dash. it feels like wandering into someone else's apartment and not noticing and making myself lunch

reblog if i can wander into your apartment (blog) and make myself lunch (like and reblog as if it's my dash)

god gave me the power of losing interest in 0.1 seconds

editing is so funny because it's like "damn, i wrote 'before' two times within three paragraphs. they are going to stone me in the town square for this"

let's develop a perfect plan

1. get cozy in bed

the beatles. the monkees. gorillaz. there is a pattern here and it's that these men do not know how to spell animals

its actually crazy how good music is. and its all different, too. like wow. huge deal really when you think about it