i can't hear myself anymore.

i mean, i would probably do this regardless cause i love surprising daisy. and i miss new york, maybe more so than usual, but... daisy hasn’t been talking to me the same? i could be overthinking--fuck, i really hope i’m overthinking--but she hasn’t really been responding to me. and when she does, it sounds so... default. it’s scratching at the back of my mind in the wrong way, and i’m worried. 

sure as fuck know how clingy i am, i get it. gossip has me on edge and we’re still not public, i know i can’t be too obvious, i’m probably just anxious, i haven’t been sleeping at all ‘cause my insomnia is at full blast, i don’t even remember the last time i punched something even at the gym, but, but--

i went a little... hard during my training session today. i think my trainer noticed. pedro definitely did. i miss throwing a punch at someone, you know? in a good fight. it’s been way too long, and there’s no way i’m going to hit another club till i’m back in new york, maybe even la. i’m restless. doesn’t help that my insomnia has been worse than ever.

then there’s daisy. i miss her terribly, i do. it hasn’t been a week yet, but i’ve missed her from the moment i got to hawaii. she called me this morning to talk about the snow, how she wished i was there for it. and i wish for that, too... but there was something else. something more, i don’t know, somber? off? let’s go with off. this is the furthest apart we’ve ever been, and maybe the distance is getting to my head, but for a moment this morning it sounded like something else was bothering her. i asked her about things and she gave me okays all around.

like, oh, yeah, i told my family everything on my birthday. divorce, daisy, everything. even a few more long time friends, like pedro. and it was more of a whirlwind than i anticipated. elvira had to fill daisy in at the door, i still feel awful for not getting around to telling her... i mean, i was scared. and maybe my birthday wasn’t the best time to do it. i just needed to do this. and it worked out.

being able to hold my girlfriend’s hand in front of people i care about, getting to be less careful? i haven’t felt that relaxed in a while. seeing her get along with my family meant the world to me, too. also, i need to say how amazing daisy is, i mean, she baked me an entire cake. it was delicious. i’m in love awe of her. 

oh, also, i only talked to elvira about it two nights ago, and i haven’t exactly told daisy i was planning on this yet...

and yesterday there was an after party: there was so much champagne which makes me so... smiley, and daisy was able to come through by the time i already had a glass or two. maybe i hugged her for a moment too long in public, but no one seemed to notice. 

maybe, when we managed to sneak away for five minutes, just the two of us, the words did just fall out because the champagne had me feeling so good, and she was smiling at me so sweetly--

blurting out “come back with me” ended up being the best impulse i could follow, and the way she kissed me after was the perfect cherry on top. 

maybe i still think about how she told me she loved me almost a week ago. yes, she said those three words to me, but she doesn’t remember and that’s alright. we were so stoned at the time, the weed was so good, and i don’t think she even realized she said it, so i didn’t say it back. but it’s on the tip of my tongue, i swear, baby.