i feel like i’m nearing a psychotic break my medication is being withheld from me feeling like a #rabiddog

one of my friends brought up The Incident again yesterday and i haven’t been able to stop thinking about it since. “bro tera pr thoda weak tha.” what happened to me, i wanted to deal with it in my own way, with my own space and time. he tried to change the narrative and get everyone on his side by changing the positions in the story, and my pr was weak? i’m sorry i didn’t want to advertise how my body was violated just so it could be dissected further—which happened anyways. i was told again yesterday, that it The Incident somehow still finds a way into conversations with groups full of men, and while he doesn’t talk about it anymore, others still do. and yes it’s been a bit over 2 years, and fuck him because this is still haunting me while he gets to leave it in his past; with his lil new gf and his friends, he gets to move past. what happened to me wasn’t my fault. you cannot say i was equally at fault as him. trusting my boyfriend to not do something that he actively knew i wouldn’t like was not my fault—despite him being under the influence. it was not my fault. and i’m tired of having to remind myself of that. 2 years. i still feel fucking stuck.

i like pretending i have a good relationship with my father because maybe that’ll make it real but most of the time he makes me wish i were dead

i feel like my views on love & sex are finally getting restored—my hypersexuality phase is over, and once again i’m going to make sure the next person i let into my space is actually worth it. yeah i needed all that to happen so my views on love & sex can finally become what 14 year old me had promised to herself

im actually really saddened by all of it and every couple hours it comes back and lingers and then i don’t know what to do

i wish i had actually killed myself at 13

sometimes i forget people can see this sorry the journal factory did explode actually

i feel like im being catapulted into learning to not depend on people and i don’t think this is going to end well for me

my friends and i were at the police station the other day, (nothing serious) and i’d left my bag inside while we were outside and i was about to rush back and saying oh i need to go get my bag. they all laughed and they and they said your bag’s not gonna get stolen from a police station of all places. i was like yeah you’re right—and this sense of relief washed over me. the same relief i’d felt when i was admitted in the hospital as a patient. it made me realise that i hate feeling responsible for myself. it feels like too much pressure. i am always on red alert, i’m always on edge. it gets really tiring. i don’t remember the last time I felt as safe as i did when i was at the police station. i just want that sense of safety, that sense of letting go to last. i just want to feel safe. i think that’s why when the doctors talked about admitting me in the psych wards, i wasn’t so against it. at least in my head, it’d be a break from all of this, from being on alert all the time. i just want to let go, i just want to feel safe. does that make sense?

anyways. i spiral again. i don’t want to do this anymore. i don’t know what to do anymore. i talk about going home like its something that’ll save me, but home has always been a concept that i have never known well enough. never safe enough.

my therapist told me i need to work on mu dependency but there’s no one left to be dependent on anymore what do i even do?

a has too many other commitments, i’m not high enough on mg’s list of priorities, mm is too into her boyfriend per usual, im not that close with s and she also just focuses on her bf. ar and i just arent close anymore and shes replaced me with someone else and sm was genuinely my exam time lifeline but i think she hates me because shes just been ignoring me and i noticed it and i didn’t do anything and now its too late

isolated so hard i don’t even have anyone left to talk to or hang out with i don’t know what to do with myself